I plunge ahead before she can change her mind.
“You know, in my head, I planned everything out, but it wasn’t until I had been gone about a year or two when I realized how much I fucked up. I climbed the ranks quick. Made a name for myself in that time and knew I was on the right path—but fuck, I was lonely. Don’t get me wrong—I didn’t have trouble finding temporary ways to try and fill that void, but it always made me feel even more alone—so after a while, that shit stopped too. I haven’t been with another woman in damn near five years, Leigh, and even before that it wasn’t much. Focused on my trainin’ and ridin’. I was so fuckin’ alone. On the top of my game, ridin’ the beasts that made me feel like a fuckin’ god, but even in a sold-out arena, I felt like I was in a room all by myself. I can still remember the exact moment that I stopped lettin’ people—anyone—close to me. Quinn sent me a picture of you two on graduation night, two years after I had left, and it was like a punch to my gut when I looked into your smilin’ face. I knew that, while I might have it all, I had nothin’ because I didn’t get to see that smile every day. I fuckin’ missed that smile, Leigh. I felt that emptiness like I had never before that night.”
Her mug hits the table, and dark liquid spills out and over her white-knuckled hand. Leigh mumbles a curse and gropes blindly for a napkin from the dispenser on the table, her gaze trained on me. I keep my eyes on her coffee-drenched fingers before opening my mouth to continue, needing the time to get in control of my emotions.
“The night Quinn sent me that picture I stayed on the bull for twelve seconds before I let my ropes loose and jumped off, but it was like I had a death wish. I looked that beast in the eye for a whole solid beat of my heart before he started to charge. I didn’t even rush to climb out. I took my sweet ass time. By the time my trainer was bendin’ over and heavin’ me over the top rail by my vest, that pissed-off bull was about to spear me. I didn’t care. I felt nothin’. That was the night I told my sister to never send me another picture of you again.”
I clear my throat and finally look up into her eyes. She’s so still that I have a feeling she’s trying her hardest not to show me what my words have made her feel, but the tears she had been so determined to keep locked away fall freely now, betraying her will to hide from me.
“I might have been the king of the rodeo after that, but I did it with a dead heart that no one came close to touchin’. Years passed and I didn’t feel a thing until Clay called and told me he needed me to come home. The old man was gone and he needed me back here to make some decisions about the ranch. Before I got his call I had spent almost two weeks so drunk I couldn’t even tell you what my name was, but that call stopped it all. For the first time in a long damn time I didn’t see nothin’ but dark emptiness in front of me. I didn’t feel the chokin’ reminder of regrets unchangeable. It was like a sign that it wasn’t too late to fix things. I didn’t know what I would be comin’ home to, but I knew that I damn sure wouldn’t spend another day regrettin’ the mistakes of my actions. Not when I have the power to do somethin’ about it now. A chance.”
“Mav,” she starts before clearing her throat, twisting the dampened napkin in her fingers, “I’m not . . . I don’t really know what to say, Maverick.”
“I get that, darlin’, I put a lot on you tonight, but you needed to hear it so you understood why I wasn’t goin’ to allow you to call that night two weeks ago a mistake. I fucked up and I hurt you so I deserve your anger, but I’m not goin’ to allow another regret to happen in my lifetime when I can do somethin’ to prevent it. I let it all hang out, gave you all the bad and ugly. It’s up to you where we go from this point.”
Leigh stares at me for a moment, mouth agape, then sputters, “You’re asking me to just make a decision like that based on a fifteen-minute conversation as you give me some Cliff’s Notes breakdown on your life for the past decade?”
Leaning back in my chair, I have to will myself to stay calm even though it’s clear by her snippy tone that she’s pissed. “Not a Cliff’s Notes breakdown, Leighton, and you know it. I’m explainin’ things the best way I can.”
“You fuckin’ left, Maverick. Clay and Quinn knew why, but even they didn’t give me much. There wasn’t a day that went by that we didn’t feel the void of your absence. You can’t just explain that away easily. You admit you hurt me on purpose. Do you even have any idea how bad you hurt me? You can’t just decide that now, after ten fuckin’ years, that you’re willing to . . . to what? To be with me? It’s insane!”
“You don’t think I know that?!” I yell. She jumps at my outburst but doesn’t speak. “Fuck.” I stand, pacing the tight space between tables before looking back over to where she is still sitting, coffee mug still held tightly in her hand. “I’m not hidin’ shit from you. I’m tellin’ you what I need to for you to understand why I hurt you and why I’ve regretted that night since. I’ll give you the rest, but I can’t do that until I understand it myself, and right now I’m strugglin’ to just get through this.”
“You’re a mess,” she tells me in a tone that is strong and true, the vulnerability that she had shown earlier either gone or hidden.
“Yeah.” I laugh without humor. “I’m a fuckin’ mess, but I’m workin’ on it.”
“That’s good, Maverick. I’m glad you’re working through it. I hope you find the peace you need,” she tells him sincerely.
I shake my head. After everything I put her through and she still gives me that. “Another day, darlin’. Let’s leave that for another day. I’ve got my own shit to work on, but I need to fix things between my family too.”
She nods, a sad smile playing across her lips. “They missed you.”
I swallow through the lump clawing up my throat. “Yeah.” What I wouldn’t give for her to admit that she’s missed me too.