“But Cyrus has always acted like you were...” I can’t finish.
“A one-night stand? Chevy, even if I was, it’s okay. I’m secure in who I am and other people’s definitions don’t define me. But the one-night stand—it’s what James wanted them to think. They didn’t know much about our friendship. He told me he wanted a life separate from the club. At the time there wasn’t anything bad happening, but they seemed to fill every crevice of his being and he wanted to be himself for a few minutes and I was that person he could be himself with.” The edges of her lips turn up. “Your dad and I used to read books aloud to each other. He liked horror, though, and it would give me nightmares at night. I bet you never knew that.”
I didn’t and I drop onto the stool next to me as I struggle with the feeling that I’ve been sucked into an alternate universe.
“James got me and I got him. He wanted a life away from the club even when he was in high school. I was his one friend out of the club and he wanted me to stay a secret. He was scared that if anyone found out they would try to suck me in and he’d lose me to everyone else. And he had good reason to think so—you know my home life was...lacking.”
“Sounds like he loved you.”
“He did once when I didn’t, then I did once when he didn’t, then we didn’t at the same time. We were better off friends than together. Better off lovers than in love.”
I wince. “Never needed to hear the last part.”
Mom steps closer to me and tucks my hair behind my ear. “James left Snowflake after he graduated. He’d come home to appease his mother and see me, but he loved Louisville. Loved his job there, loved his life there, loved it all, but toward the last six months of his life, James became moody. I used to think it was because of this woman who had him tied up in knots, but it was darker than that, he became darker.
“The last time he came home, I told him I was pregnant with you. He was in shock, but he took it well. He told me he’d support me and you any way he could. Promised he’d be involved, but he asked me to move to Louisville. He told me he was breaking ties with the Terror and he didn’t want them to know about his child. He wanted you to be raised away from them.”
“Why?”
She shrugs. “Things were beginning to heat up between Eli and Meg at the time. The war between the Riot and the Terror was beginning. I assumed after he died it was because of that.”
“But you raised me in Snowflake. You were the one who went to Cyrus and told him you were pregnant with me.”
Mom slumps into the stool beside me. “I didn’t go to Cyrus. He came to me. You were six months old and we were barely making it. I had worked at this bar before I was pregnant with you so I could save up enough money to go to the community college in Bowling Green. I was using that money to support us and pay for babysitting so I could work. The money was going fast. One night, Cyrus showed up at the bar asking me if it was true. If you were his grandson.”
“What? How did he know?”
“He didn’t say, but two days later the Riot visited me at my apartment and told me they were the ones who told Cyrus about me and you. They said that there was a war between the Riot and the Terror and they told me they would protect me and you, but in order to do so I would have to disavow the Terror, move to Louisville, and once there they would take care of us.”
“Why did you choose to stick with the Terror? With Cyrus?”
She lifts one shoulder, then lets it fall. “They say the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. I never wanted anyone to take care of me or you. Only person I wanted in control of my life was me. I had enough of that controlling nonsense growing up. The question I have always asked myself is how? How, when it came to James, did the Riot know something the Terror didn’t?”
I close my eyes as pain rolls through me. Because my father was a traitor, that’s how. When I reopen them, I’m looking at a brand-new world—or at least the world I should have always seen. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Cyrus told me it would be safer for you if you never knew about the Riot’s visit and I agreed. I thought I could take advantage of what Cyrus was offering me. Free babysitting while I worked nights. I thought you’d be asleep most of the time and they wouldn’t have much of an influence on you, but I was wrong. If I could go back and change things, I would have left Snowflake the day James died and never looked back. I should have raised you on my own. It would have been hard, but at least you would have been safe.”
I lean forward, kiss her forehead and hug her. So much she’s given up for me. So much she’s done in the name of love. Mom’s right. It’s time I start making choices and owning up to the ones I’ve already made.
One of those promises being the one I made to Violet years ago and reconfirmed in that basement and again last night. I promised to love her, I promised to protect her, I promised to be her best friend. It’s officially time to man up.
Violet
MY CEILING FAN goes round and round. Sometimes I make myself dizzy as I try to follow one blade, sometimes I squint my eyes and the blades blend together. Numb. I’m trying for numb and I’m on the verge of failing. There’s this black ball in my chest clawing to get out, and if I let it out, I’m afraid I’ll never be able to contain it.
A buzz and my head jerks up from the pillow. I roll over to grab my cell off the nightstand. There are no messages and the buzzing continues. Takes my slow mind a moment to catch up, but then my heart takes off at a gallop. I spring out of bed, tripping over my own feet as my knee gives, and hit the floor with a thud.
I reach between my mattress and box spring and pull out the burner phone. “Hello.”
“Yes or no answers only,” Detective Jake Barlow says, “in case they’re listening.”
“Okay.” Even though that’s not a yes or a no.
“Did you find the account numbers?” This guy doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat, doesn’t understand anything beyond nailing the Riot. He probably doesn’t understand heartbreak either.
I take a deep breath and give him the truth. “Yes.”
“Bank account for the Riot?”
“Yes.” In the computer. The password wasn’t easy to figure out and I almost didn’t think I was going to crack it, but I did. It was something Dad taught me a long time ago when I couldn’t think of passwords I could remember. To take the middle names of people you love the most and spell them backward.
“Account numbers for security company clients?”
“Yes.” Also in the computer. I wasn’t lying to Chevy. I was looking in those files so I could see pictures of Dad. I had already found what I needed at that point.
“Did the Riot tell you how to get ahold of them once you had the information?”
I huff out enough air that my longer bangs move. “No.”