Violet’s right, I’m not making choices. The decision I’m making now isn’t the one that’s going to help ease the sting of Violet throwing me out, but I’ll receive honest answers.
Weekday nights are dead at Shamrock’s. The customer peak is the after-work crowd of men who aren’t eager to head to Little League practices or the people who aren’t looking forward to heading to their place alone. Pretty sad when a dive that’s lit by neon signs and smells like sweat is the better alternative.
Gotta admit, alone sucks. Cold bed, cold covers, cold heart. Cold like that basement.
The music’s turned down low, but the bass still vibrates along the floor. One of the newer waitresses mops the section near the empty stage. It’s an hour or so before closing and Mom leans against the bar and works on a Sudoku puzzle. Her long black hair touches the surface. She’s in her favorite pair of faded jeans, a red T-shirt, and she’s lost to the world as she scribbles on the paper. She loves puzzles. The harder, the better.
I drop onto the stool across from her, and when she lifts her head, her eyes widen. I only drive her on Friday and Saturday nights and me here on a weekday spells disaster.
“No offense, but your facial expression is one I see often at this bar and usually the order from that person is something hard that will get them drunk fast.”
I don’t respond and Mom frowns. She pulls out a glass, fills it with ice, pours water into it and then slides it to me. “I thought you said the lineup went well.”
“It did.” Told her about it in texts.
“Then what’s wrong?”
I swipe my finger across the condensation forming on the glass. “You know I drink beer at the clubhouse, right?”
“But you didn’t go there. You came here.”
She’s right.
“Chevy.” Mom stays silent until I look up at her. “What’s wrong?”
“Violet asked me to choose.”
She inhales and her shoulders slump when she exhales. I’m aware of Mom’s opinion. She wants me to choose, too, but I’m here because Mom knows when to keep her thoughts to herself. Knows how to be a mom. She reaches across the bar and lays her hand over mine.
“What are you going to do?” she asks.
My lips turn down, my eyes burn and I shake my head to push it all away. “I don’t know.”
No sense telling her Violet threw me out. I also don’t want to scare Mom by explaining that one of the reasons I didn’t give Violet my word to stay silent is because the Riot are watching Violet. My fingers curl into a fist and Mom lifts her hand from mine.
“Why can’t Violet see the club is there to help, not hurt?” I say. “They want to protect her. They want to keep her safe and she keeps pushing them away.”
“You mean she keeps pushing you away.”
“Same thing.”
“Doesn’t have to be. From my mountain looking down, Violet has a point. You were kidnapped because of your association with the Terror.”
I go to argue and Mom holds up her hand. “Chevy, do you love her?”
Without a doubt. “Yes.”
“Do you think she’s a capable, smart girl?”
“Yes.”
“Then why don’t you trust Violet to make decisions for herself? Let’s put the Terror aside for a moment. If she feels her life is better without the Terror, why can’t you respect that? Why are you trying to force something on her she feels is bad for her life? For months all I’ve heard about is how she’s making you choose, but do you not realize you’re trying to shove your choices down her throat?”
“I haven’t chosen.”
Mom’s eyes become full of sadness. “Yes, you have, and by telling her you haven’t, you’re leading her on. By telling her she’s only safe with the Terror, you’re telling her she’s incapable of taking care of herself without some man to watch over her. The words out of your mouth aren’t the only things she hears.”
The ice in the glass shifts as it melts. Mom never minces words and it’s why I’m here.
“I know this may sound shocking, but Violet has thoughts and feelings, too. While you don’t feel she’s been fair, you haven’t been fair to her either. You two are at a breaking point and that is going to require tough decisions. If you don’t feel you’ve made decisions, it’s time for you to man up and make them. If you figure out you have made decisions, it’s time for you to take responsibility and accept the consequences of what you have chosen.”
My stomach cramps and I readjust on the stool. “But the Terror are my family.”
“No, Eli and Cyrus are your family. The rest of those men are your friends. Family and friends don’t abandon you if you decide you aren’t exactly like them. They love you regardless of the path you choose. Question is, Chevy—why do you doubt Eli and Cyrus so much that you don’t think they could love you without a patch on your back?”
The earth stops spinning, but then it spins too quick. Unstable, I stand to find my footing in a world that has been too chaotic for weeks.
“I don’t doubt them,” I say, but my words sound far away.
“You do,” she says. “If you didn’t doubt them, you wouldn’t be stuck in the middle all the time.”
Stuck in the middle. Stuck in the unknown. Doubt. “Did my father choose something different from the Terror?”
Mom pales. “Yes. James wanted something different. He wanted a life away from here and Cyrus wasn’t happy about it. But you already know this without any of us having to tell you. You doubt the Terror because you sense that James’s relationships changed when he left.”
And what happens to my relationship with them if I’m like my father? If I’m restless and choose something else...like football over patching in? “What do you know about the Terror? What is it you haven’t told me?”
Mom’s lips thin out and she closes her book of puzzles. “This is a conversation we need to have at home.”
“Mom—” I begin, but her pointed glare shuts me up.
“Home,” she repeats. “This is a conversation for home.”
I can’t wait for home. Mom has come close to talking to me about my father twice in my life; both times she made the promise to tell me later and I can’t run the risk of time causing her to change her mind again. “Now. You tell me now.”
Mom looks left, then right, then grabs my wrist, dragging me with her to the end of the bar. I loom over her and the confusion and anxiety in her eyes causes my skin to feel like it’s shrinking on my bones.
“James knew I was pregnant with you.”
Her words hit me like a fist to the head. “But you said—”
“Because James asked me to keep you a secret from his family.”
Stunned, I brace my palm against the bar. “So you and Dad were a couple?”
“James didn’t love me and it’s okay because I didn’t love him either. We were friends. Good friends. Through high school and beyond. He was in love with somebody else, but this woman played with his heart. He came to me when he needed the bleeding to stop. I never minded giving my body to my best friend when he was in pain and I never regretted that doing so created you.”