“He’s sick, sweet pea.” She places her hands on the steering wheel, even though the station wagon is still turned off. “But he’s safe. Saul is driving him straight to the hospital when they get back, and Dr. Tarrasch will meet him there. Lionel talked to her on the phone for a few minutes. She doesn’t believe he went into full-on mania, but we want to get him checked out. They’re going to do some tests and get his meds adjusted, so he might be in the hospital for a day or so. Just as a precaution.”
“I’m really, really sorry, Mom,” I whisper.
“I know, baby.” She turns to me and nods. “I know.”
Saul comes home late from the hospital, so late that Mom is in bed already.
It’s one in the morning, but I can’t sleep. The house feels too quiet with everyone gone now. I’m sitting in the living room, by myself, because part of me is hoping that the doctors will say Lionel wasn’t as sick as they thought, that he just had a bad lapse in judgment and he’ll be fine without too many adjustments. But the other part knows how foolish that is. He drove to San Luis Obispo on a whim on a Saturday night when he was on a date. No matter how much I wanted to believe he could handle his illness on his own, I know it’s not true.
I hear the engine of Lionel’s car as it pulls up and Saul parks at the curb. His footsteps sound tired as they trudge up the steps and across the front porch. He struggles with the key for a few seconds before realizing the door is unlocked. He’s not expecting to see me when he comes in; he’s too tired to hide his expression, the one that says he’s really not in the mood for me now.
He nods, but that’s it. Drops his wallet and keys on the table by the door and walks straight back to the kitchen. I follow him.
Emil’s family cleaned the kitchen while we were gone, and it was sparkling when Mom and I got home. We didn’t have the energy to cook, so we ordered in Thai food that we picked over until she went to bed.
Saul takes down a pan from the rack hanging above the island. “Egg in a hole?” he asks without looking at me.
“Yes, please.” Suddenly I’m famished.
He makes them wordlessly and they are perfect. The bread a buttery, golden brown on both sides, but still soft enough on the inside to soak up the runny egg in the middle. He gives me the first one and I wolf down half of it before he’s started eating his.
I set down my fork when he stands across the island from me with his plate, taking his first bite. “I’m sorry, Saul. I… I should have said something, and I’m sorry.”
“Have I ever made you feel like you can’t talk to me, kiddo?” When I look at him, his eyes are almost overwhelmed by the bags under them, but they’re also red-rimmed. “That day at the museum, you could’ve told me. Any day, anytime… I’ve tried to make it clear how much you can trust me.”
I’ve always known that. Practically from the minute I met him, which is what makes this all so much worse. But what Lionel said—just thinking about it makes tears well up. What if he still hates me? What if things are never the same between us?
“Lionel said he was done with me if I told you,” I say, the tears bursting forth as soon as I speak. “He said we wouldn’t be family anymore. I didn’t want that to happen.”
Saul pushes his plate away. “He didn’t mean that. He was unmedicated and—he didn’t mean it, Suzette. Lionel and I will always be your family.”
“I trust you.” I rub at my eyes but only succeed in smearing tears across my skin, making my face more of a wet mess. “I do. I won’t do anything like that again. I promise.”
He nods. “That’s a promise I need you to keep.”
“You’re not mad at me?”
“A little bit, yes.” He blinks. “And we’re going to have some serious talks about this very soon. But I don’t blame you for this. And I love you.”
“I love you, too, Saul,” I say as he wraps me in one of his hugs.
twenty-five.
Mom and Saul think it’s best that I wait to see Lionel until he comes home in a few days, so I try to keep myself busy.
I go into the flower shop for my regular hours the day after we get him from San Luis Obispo. Things are different with Rafaela. She treats me the same and we have the same easy rapport, but she doesn’t flirt with me and I don’t really miss it. I wait for the usual flutter to arrive when I see her—it never does.
We mostly talk about my brother’s health. She knows that my parents are wary of him dating anyone for a good long while, but she says she wants to be there for him. As his friend, if they can’t be more.
That night, DeeDee comes over and we order a pizza, which we eat up in my room before we try to choose a movie.
“What’s Alicia up to?” I ask, scrolling through our options on my laptop. We’re sitting next to each other, one half of my computer balanced on each of our thighs as we lounge against my headboard.
“Hating me, probably.” She sighs and presses Pause. “We broke up. For real, this time.”
I stare at her. “For good?”
“I guess. She broke up with me.”
“What’d you do?”
Dee rolls her eyes. “She said she could sense that I was bored. Restless. Said I should go sow my wild oats, like I’m some dude who can’t keep his dick in his pants.”
“Well.” I give her a look.
“Shut up. There’s a difference between being in an open relationship and cheating, you know.”
“But Alicia doesn’t think so?”
“She gets the difference.” DeeDee shrugs. “She just doesn’t want any part of it.”
“Sorry,” I say, lightly bumping her shoulder with mine. “Maybe she’ll change her mind.”
“Or maybe we weren’t meant to be. Summer isn’t a good time to be tied down, anyway.”
“Said like a dude who can’t keep his dick in his pants.”
I grin and duck as she swats at me with a pillow.
Emil’s parents treat us to dinner the next night. Steaks in Beverly Hills.
“We should be treating you,” Mom says as we pore over the dessert menu. “You were so good to us when Lionel was missing.”
“We didn’t do anything you wouldn’t have done for us.” Catherine takes a long drink from her wineglass. “The most important thing is that he’s back and he’s getting better.”
“How was he today?” I ask Saul, who spent a couple of hours with him this afternoon.
“Good. So good, in fact, that he’s coming home tomorrow.”
“Really?” I’m still worried he’ll be mad at me, but I want to see him. It’s only been three days since he disappeared, but it seems like I haven’t seen him in months.
Saul says yes, that he’ll be home by lunchtime. He looks as happy as I feel.
Later, while we’re waiting in line with our parents to give the valet our tickets, I tap Emil on the arm. When he looks at me, I start walking and motion for him to follow. We go down the sidewalk a bit, stopping once we’re around the side of the building.
We’ve texted a few times since Lionel was found, but we haven’t seen each other since then. I’ve missed him. And though we don’t have a lot of time before they pull the cars around, I’m happy to be alone with him, even for a few minutes.
“I have to tell you something but I wanted to do it in person. Not over text or the phone or whatever,” I say, and I wipe my palms on my flowered skirt.
He looks at me, wary and expectant at once.
“I’m going back to Dinsmore. To Massachusetts.”