“In the letters, there’s something about him blaming himself for her not doing that,” I said.
“He did, maybe he still does. Miller is so closed, you know more about how he feels than I do. He didn’t want to go with her so she gave up her dream job. He also got very angry when she discovered she had a tumour. She didn’t tell him at first, her reasoning was that Miller isn’t always the best at handling bad news; I guess you’ve witnessed that. She wanted all the facts before she told him. He found out and flipped. I think, and this is just my opinion, he never dealt with Mum’s death and now his wife was about to die of the same thing. He couldn’t deal with it. Annabelle died quite quickly, which is a blessing, and he went off the rails again.”
“He drank a lot, I understand.”
“Yes. It worried Dad and me for a while, we thought he might fall back so far he couldn’t claw his way back out, but he did. He threw himself into work, built Dad a bungalow and closed down, emotionally.”
“And now?”
“Now he seems to be in turmoil again,” Daniel said.
“And that’s my fault.”
“Not necessarily. It’s Miller’s fault for not being able to deal with his emotions. Which brings me straight to the letters. I found one on his table; it had your name, and his, on the front. I’m sorry, Dani, but what could I do? He’s my brother and I’m not going to betray him, no matter what he thinks about me. I tried to encourage him to tell you but I think, by then, he was in too deep. He’s always had a soft spot for you and when you came back, I think he thought he could save you while you were, without knowing, saving him.”
“Does your dad know about the letters?”
“I doubt it. He moved into the home a little while ago. He has early onset dementia and he knows. He wanted to get everything sorted while he was still able to make the decisions.”
“Why is Miller always on edge when I talk about you, or when he sees me with you?”
“I guess he thinks I might tell you about the letters.”
“What would he say if we were in a relationship?” I asked.
Daniel laughed and patted my knee. “As much as I’d be very flattered, and I know you’re not inviting a relationship, but I’d be more interested in your brother, if you know what I mean.”
“You’re not!”
“I am. Hence the fact I’m single. It’s not the done thing, publically, within the church, to be gay.”
“Bullshit,” I said, laughing.
“I know, half the vicars I know are gay but we’re just not allowed to be in public,” he said with a wink.
“Does Miller know?”
“It’s not something I’ve ever sat down and openly talked about with him. Like I said, we don’t have the closest of relationships anymore, and that saddens me, to be honest.”
“Could you get that closeness back?”
“That’s up to him. I tried and after so many pushbacks, I gave up. Not very Christian of me, was it?”
“Not really. You’re supposed to love your flock, flaws and all, didn’t you say that once?”
“Ah, I say a lot, I need to learn to take my own advice someday. Now, as much as this wine is okay, it’s a bit too girly for me, and I have a butch reputation to fake. Mind if I get a beer?”
I watched Daniel walk to the bar. I was glad he’d told me what he had. It had also saddened me further. Daniel led a life of lies; Miller led a life of lies. Yet they couldn’t find a way to connect, even through those lies.
It took Daniel ten minutes or so to walk the few steps back to the bar. He was a popular guy, and although there weren’t many visitors to the pub that night, each one wanted to talk. He’d drunk a quarter of his pint by the time he made it back to the table.
“So,” he said.
“So.”
“Are we forgiven?”
“We?”
“Miller at least, he needs your forgiveness. I’d like it, of course, but right now, he’s more important. I’m going to ask you a favour that maybe I don’t have a right to. Please forgive him. Think about the reasons why he did this. He honestly had your best interests at heart. I don’t think he ever thought he would be spending time with you. It’s blown up in his face at the worst possible time.”
“What do you mean?”
“It the anniversary of Annabelle’s death. Like I said before, he doesn’t deal with loss very well.”
“What about my feelings, Daniel?”
I wasn’t about to be dismissed just for the sake of Miller’s feelings.
“Look, keeping Miller’s secret, my brother’s secret, is about the only thing I’ve done wrong, and I don’t believe it to be a wrong. I understand how you feel, I really do, but can you also look at the good intention? Miller never lied to you, Dani. Not once. He never denied it, either, did he?”
“No, he didn’t. Do you think I’ve been too harsh?”
“I’m not going to answer that. I do think that you’ve had the worst time yourself over the past year. I can see why you’d feel betrayed because you are still vulnerable, and I don’t mean that to patronise you. But those letters comforted you; they comforted him. Is what he’s done so very terrible?”
I couldn’t answer him. I sighed heavily.
“I don’t know now. It just felt so wrong, like I was being deceived all over again.”
“Dani, do you think that had you not been through what you have, with Trey’s affair, you might not feel so strongly. I get that you’re upset, no one would expect less, but…”
“Am I overreacting, you’re going to ask me. Yes, and no. I don’t know.”
I took a large gulp of the wine, now tepid. I reached into the wine bucket and pulled out a couple of pieces of ice, which I deposited in the glass.
“I thought I had every right to be upset, now, although I’m still a little disappointed, I guess it’s not as awful as I initially thought. Especially now you’ve explained Miller’s situation a little more.”
“Miller is a good man, Dani. He’s not good at verbally articulating his feelings. He does that through his work, and I guess, letters.”
I remembered back to Miller visiting the barn that very first time and his appreciation of the wooden beams; how he wanted to keep them exposed because they told a story, the history of the barn was engrained in the wood.
“I did send him a text yesterday, he hasn’t replied. I’ll try calling him tomorrow,” I said.
Daniel smiled. “Now, shall we get back to our date? Remember, I’ve got a fake reputation to keep up.”
“I don’t know why you do that. Why not come out?”
“Because this is a small village of mostly old folks. And I like to keep my private life, private. It’s hard to have a life outside the church at the best of times, and it’s not like I get a lot of spare time to have a relationship. I’m married to my job, and I quite like it.”
I raised my glass, “Well, here’s to fucked up Copelands, old folk, and the church.”
“I’ll drink to that.”
We didn’t mention the letters for the rest of the evening. In fact, we chatted about absolutely everything from village and vicar life, to my time in London. At the mention of London and a life that was so far removed to what I had now, it was a sense of nostalgia instead of remorse that flowed over me. I was pleased about that. I wanted to remember that period of my life with fondness, excluding Trey, of course. My level of empathy didn’t extend to forgiving my cheating husband.
“Have you thought any more about your plans for the exhumation?” Daniel asked as we walked out to the car.
“No. I guess at some point I’ll be able to visit Hannah and just learn to ignore him. I don’t think I can put myself through the stress of it all right now. I’ve got a letter at home to deal with. A solicitor wrote to me on Helen’s behalf. They want to invite discussion on Alistair inheriting part of Trey’s estate.”
“Can they do that?”
“They can invite me to a discussion, whether they can get any money from me, I have no idea. I found out a child, even an illegitimate one is entitled to part of its father’s estate. I’m banking on the fact Trey was American to complicate things.”