“Hi, what a nice day for a walk,” I said, as I climbed into his truck.
The sun was out and the wind had died down to a gentle breeze. Although cold, it was a perfect day for a stroll.
“So you had a good day yesterday?” Miller asked.
“I did, I think Dad did all he could to take my mind off other things. The only sad thing was not hearing back from Christian. I know Dad was a little upset over that.”
“He’s not in a good place, I guess he’s avoiding the season and probably anyone who reminds him of the situation.”
‘Maybe, but the least he could do is call his dad.”
“People do strange things when they’re in such a shitty situation, I guess. I’m sure he’ll call at some point.”
“Mmm, not sure. Where are we going, anyway?” I asked.
“Somewhere I played as a kid, maybe you did, too.”
Miller gave me a smile as he turned the truck around and we drove off down the lane. It wasn’t long before we bumped down a lane that hadn’t seen a vehicle in years. Grass had grown through the cracked tarmac in the centre, and rain had carved ditches either side. I held on to the handle on the door as we dodged potholes. Eventually, we came to a grassed area on top of a cliff. Miller turned off the truck.
“Look familiar?” he asked.
“It does, there’s a staircase carved into the rock down to the beach, isn’t there?”
“There is, but that’s not the way we’re going. Come on, put your coat on.”
He reached behind to retrieve a jacket from the back seat and then opened his door. I struggled into my coat before stepping out. Being on the edge of the cliff meant the wind whipping off the sea was a little stronger. I fiddled around in my coat pocket for a hairband.
“This way,” Miller said.
I followed him down a small bank and to a brook that emerged from the rock and flowed to the sea. We walked alongside it for a few minutes until I saw a path carved between the bushes. Miller took the path and the mud squelched beneath my boots. I was glad I’d worn them. After a few minutes, we came to an opening. In front of me was a derelict cottage.
“Wow, I remember this place. Wasn’t it supposed to be haunted or something?”
“I imagine, as kids, we thought every empty house was haunted,” Miller said with a laugh.
I watched as he pulled a key from his pocket and opened the front door.
“I bought this place a few years ago. I’ve never gotten around to doing anything with it. Well, I’ve not had the inclination to do anything about it, to be honest.”
We stepped inside the empty building.
“It’s gorgeous, or could be. Look at that view,” I said.
From the window, I could see miles of uninterrupted land and sea.
“I decided, when I’ve finished your barn, I’m going to take some time out to work on this. I think it could make a great holiday rental, if I can sort out that access, of course.”
“It would. Imagine sitting outside on a nice summer’s evening.”
“Follow me,” Miller said.
He walked into what I assumed would be a living room and to the back wall. He pointed to something written on the wall. When I stepped closer, I could see the faint list of names.
“That’s me, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Yes, I think so. And that’s me,” he said, pointing the name directly underneath.
“So we played here together?”
“Yes. And that boat you said you went out on? That was my dad’s, I was on it.”
“I wonder why I don’t…”
“Remember me?”
“I wasn’t going to say that, but now you mention it,” I lied.
Miller didn’t answer immediately, instead he walked around the room as if inspecting the whitewashed brick walls, rattling the windowpanes to check they were secure, and occasionally stamping on the bare wooden floorboards.
“You’ll go through if one of those is rotten,” I said with a chuckle.
He looked up at me and smiled.
“How about I say something that might have you running for the hills?”
“I’m not sure I’d be able to run anywhere, and if you already think it’s something I might not like, should you?”
“It’s just a kid thing. You were my first ever crush. I used to follow you around a lot; I think it started when I was about ten or so. Like I said, a kid thing.”
“Started?”
Miller just shrugged his shoulders and didn’t answer my question. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or not.
“Did we play together a lot?” I asked.
“No. I was too shy to join in. You were always so confident and such a tomboy. Your brother used to warn me off,” he said, laughing.
“Warn you off?”
“Yeah. I remember him calling me a freak, or something like that, because I used to follow you. Told me he’d give me a punch if I talked to you. I think, because of my dad, most of the kids were wary of me.”
“I wouldn’t have been wary of you just because your dad was a vicar. And I don’t like that Christian did that, at all.”
“We’ll never know, I guess.”
“Tell me about the boat?” I asked. I had vague memories of it.
“Dad wanted to take his boat out, I asked if I could go with him. You were at the harbour, with some girl, I can’t remember her name, and because Christian wasn’t with you, I took a chance to invite you. You hated it, if I remember.”
“I did! I guessed I could swim but I don’t think I liked going out of my depth in the sea, and I’m pretty sure that might have been the year we watched Jaws on the TV. I know I was terrified of even getting into the bath on my own. You held my hand, I remember that part now.”
Miller laughed.
“I know, it was totally irrational but I was absolutely terrified of water,” I said, laughing along with him.
“So you had a major crush on me,” I added.
“I didn’t say major, I said you were my first,” he replied, smirking at me.
“Major, first, whatever. I never knew. What about when we got older? I don’t remember you in my teens,” I said, feeling terribly guilty for saying that.
“We left for a couple of years. Dad had to cover another parish for a while. I was about seventeen, eighteen, before we came back.”
“And I was off to university at eighteen. That’s a shame, we might have been great friends again.”
“One of the first things I did when I got back was to look you up. Of course, you’d gone, taken my heart and hopes with you, not that you were aware, of course.”
I stared at him. He winked and then laughed. I shook my head and sat on the windowsill looking at him.
“Well, I’m sorry for breaking your heart and dashing your hopes. Whatever can I do to make it up to you?” I said, joking.
“Kiss me.”
Miller walked towards me, I was frozen to the spot. He took my face in his hands.
“Just one, for years I’ve wondered what it would have felt like to kiss you,” he whispered.
I opened my mouth to speak but couldn’t find the words. I sat staring up at him, in a derelict house, with goose bumps coursing over my skin, with my heart racing, and with my tongue running over my lower lip to moisten it. Whether any of that was conscious or not, I wasn’t sure.
He lowered his head very slowly, not taking his gaze from me. I could feel his breath on my lips; he was that close. I closed my eyes and gripped the front of his jacket. Just as his lips were about to touch mine, I found my voice.
“I have a date with your brother tomorrow,” I blurted out.
Miller sighed, his breath ghosted across my lips. He rested his forehead briefly on mine.
“Then I guess I’ll forever be wondering,” he said, and then pulled away.
For the longest moments, we stood in silence just looking at each other. Miller took a deep breath.
“I’m so sorry. That was about the most inappropriate thing I’ve ever done,” he said, no longer meeting my eyes.
“I…”
“It’s okay, no need to say anything. That was totally on me and I can’t apologise enough. Maybe we should start heading back.”
Without waiting for an answer, he turned and walked towards the door. My breath caught in my throat, my heart missed a beat, and sadness washed over me. If I was confused before, I was more so then.