“I know you’re there,” he rasped. “I can feel you in my mind.”
Lela was fighting to be heard again. The memory of a voice inside my head had taken me by surprise—not because I hadn’t been thinking about Jayden and Silas and the day everything changed, but because I had been studiously ignoring that particular memory with a fervour that could only be described as obsession. That was life, though; tripping you up with the very details that you tried so hard to overlook. I pumped my legs faster, trying to outrun the demons in my mind, the slap of my sneakers against the pavement a blessed reminder of where I was. I held onto that pounding sound, clutched it desperately… but it slipped away all the same, and Lela came rushing back.
I couldn’t think of a way to communicate with him. I closed my eyes and embraced the shudders that wracked through me. It always happened after Gerald visited my room at night. They originated from somewhere deep inside me; blossoming out to rattle my bones and clatter my teeth together. I whimpered, my head falling against my raised knees. I wanted to submit to the panic, but I didn’t want to release the boy.
Desperately, I pushed the panic attack aside, and clung to him.
Tears started to blur my vision, taking me away from the sidewalk and trying to yank me backwards, into a dream, into a memory, into an acceptance that I fought with every ounce of bitter strength that I could conjure. I stumbled, falling onto the grass.
“Can you hear me? Can you speak?” His voice was faint, fading away as he slumped backwards onto the table, his head rolling to the side. “I don’t think you know what you’ve done, but it doesn’t mean anything good for you.” He laughed, but the laugh ended on a gurgling cough, and then he was groaning. “God, you have no idea. But it’s okay. I’ll find you, and I’ll make sure you forget everything. I won’t let Weston hurt you.”
I ground my fists into the grass beneath me, lifting my arms back and punching… punching… trying to end the pain. I was fighting against an invisible foe that resided somewhere inside me. It was that beast again; that beast that waited within the cage of my heart, tapping impatient talons and scoffing at my desperate grasps for ignorance. With every passing day, it grew bigger, stretching out my limbs, testing the capacity of my body. Trying to settle in, to claim me.
His breathing turned laboured, and he wavered out of focus for a moment. I despaired losing him, but I couldn’t cling onto him anymore, because he was even slipping away from himself. He muttered something else, but I didn’t catch it. His voice was too low. I clutched at my trembling knees.
My knuckles threatened to turn to mush as I attacked the ground, grinding my flesh against dirt and rock and whatever else. The bandage on my right hand was trailing in the ground, stained by sweat, soil, and blood. I couldn’t see past my tears and I couldn’t breathe past my hatred, because I hated myself. I hated that hint of something that tried to edge into my mind, trying to force me to accept what I had done.
Trying to make me own my pain.
My mistake.
“Say it again,” I pleaded quietly.
“Silas… My name is Silas.”
“Holy crap—” a hand lit upon my shoulder, tugging, and I slumped back to my heels, kneeling there on the ground unseeing, lost in feeling— “Ah… Miss Black? Can you speak to us? What happened?”
I blinked through my tears, turning to see one of the bodyguards that Jayden had tasked with following me. For a brief moment, I had forgotten all about my plan. His partner was hovering behind him, and they both looked partway frightened and all the way uncomfortable.
“Take me to him,” I said, knowing that the words sealed my fate even as they fell from my lips. “Take me to Jayden.”
The guy closest to me seemed to hesitate, but then he drew back and pulled a cell phone out of his pocket.
“She wants to see you,” he said, after a few moments. “Should we—oh, okay. Yes, we’ll wait. I’ll text you the location.” He ended the call, sent off a message and folded his arms, rocking back on his heels. “He’ll be here soon. Your hands are bleeding.”