“He’s not like that. He doesn’t hate you. Well, maybe now he does. Now he hates both of us.”
“Seriously.” He shook his head. “Can we start over? Last night was all I ever wanted.”
“That and football.”
“What’s better than love and football?”
“You mean sex and football.”
“You don’t understand dudes, Ro. With us, sex is love. If a dude is saying he loves you and isn’t trying to jump your bones, he likes Broadway musicals and flower arranging. And let me tell you something about gay dudes. They bang more than anyone.”
She placed her hands on his steely chest, and he brought her into a sweet embrace. It felt really good to be loved, but she knew he was the wrong person. “JD, I have to make this right with Vicks.”
“Forget it, Ro. Once he writes you off, he’s done.”
“I have to try anyway.” Her eyes became wet. “I love him, JD. I can’t help it.”
He dropped his arms. “You slept with me. He’s not going to forgive you . . . unless you lie.”
“If I lied to him, would you tell him the truth?”
He shook his head. “No. I won’t blow your cover. He’s not a rat, but neither am I.” He took her hand and looked at the newest piece of jewelry dangling from her wrist. “He gave this to you?”
“More like he threw it on my couch when he left.”
JD’s jaw bulged out of his cheek. “Believe it or not, I am capable of guilt. I fucked him over. He doesn’t deserve that, not after what he’s gone through.”
“But you did it anyway.”
“And I’d probably do it again. You are so worth it.” When she remained quiet, he sighed. “Go figure it out, Ro. But you know you’re only prolonging your own misery.”
Ro knew he was right. “You know, JD, I’ve had a boyfriend since I was thirteen. Maybe I need to learn how to live without constant attention from the opposite sex.”
“That’s not going to happen either. We live to be adored.” He shrugged. “You don’t need a boyfriend. But it’s stupid for you not to have a boyfriend. I love you, baby. Every time I see you, my perfectly conditioned heart goes all aflutter.” When she smiled, he said, “You at least like me, right?”
“There’s part of me that loves you.”
“Okay, that’s good. I love you and you love me partly.” Silence. “I’ll make it right, Ro. Just you and me. I swear.”
Ro stroked his face. “I’m going down to Albuquerque tonight, JD. I know Vicks will slam the door in my face, but I need to try.”
“Fine. Once he rejects you, can we get back together?”
“JD, I need to think. I need to confront my demons.”
“That’s a very bad idea. All self-flagellation will do is make you sore.”
“I know. But right now, I have to try even if I fall on my face.” She paused. “Will you still love me with a crushed nose?”
“I will, but not as much.” JD threw up his hands. “You know where to find me.”
“I do now that I have my phone again. Whether I call you or not is up for grabs.”
Ro ditched cheerleading and drove straight down to Albuquerque, finally steeling up the courage to listen to the messages that Ben left for her last night. The first few were superexcited—get dressed up, he’ll meet her at her house at five. Then those were followed by annoyance in his voice. Then his voice was worried. Where are you? Finally, she hit the last one.
“Hi, it’s me again. I just talked to Shannon Stork and . . . she said you went out to dinner with JD. So . . . I guess when you didn’t hear from me right away . . . you made plans.”
Click.
She had messed up royally. It had been pure self-destruction.
She had always been an attention hog. When Gretchen got sick, and everything was rightly focused on her, Ro was smart enough to keep her egotistical needs in check, but in truth, she was resentful. It was Gretchen this and Gretchen that, and it made Ro angry. Just because Gretchen was dying didn’t mean Ro wasn’t alive.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
After Gretchen had passed, Griff, being Griff, faded into the background and everyone became focused on her. She was the star again and it felt good even though she knew it shouldn’t. She never felt the so-called survivor’s guilt.
And then Ben came along. When they started going together, Ro was deliriously happy. Still, there was one little itty-bitty feeling in her mind that Vicks would have liked Gretchen better than her. There wasn’t a thieving, cheating, conniving bone in her sister’s diseased body. Ro wondered if her outrageous behavior last night was just a clumsy way of admitting defeat to her sister’s ghost.
As she drove, the weather picked up. Snow flurries dotted the window and the highway. It wasn’t all that cold, but the sky held dark clouds. She wondered what she’d say to Ben’s grandparents. They were nice folks but they would hate her if Ben told them what happened. But she doubted he would and she doubted he had. When she arrived at the house, the skies had become obscured by falling snow. Grandma Pauline was welcoming. Ben wasn’t home yet, but she invited Ro to come in and wait.
Waiting and waiting and waiting until it became embarrassing. Ro tried calling him. She tried texting him. She tried e-mailing him. No answer. She made excuses, told his grandmother that her phone had died. Could she please call and ask where he was? The old woman couldn’t reach him either. She peeked out the window. “I wish he’d get home soon.”
“I’m sure he’s fine.”
“You can’t drive home in this weather, Ro.”
“I’ll sleep over. Don’t worry, Pauline. I’ll wait up for him. Please go to bed.”
She was unconvinced, but retreated into the bedroom. Ro continued to wait up, listening to the howling winds, shivering as the temperature dropped in the house. She wrapped a blanket around her shoulders, took off her shoes, and lay on the couch, hoping it would all just go away.
The door opened at eleven thirty. He wasn’t surprised to see her, but he wasn’t happy about it. He didn’t speak. His hair was a fright, his face was pasty, and his eyes were underlined with big black circles. He looked at his watch. His eyes were somewhere past her face. She said, “Ben, can we please, please talk?”
He looked at his watch again. “No, we can’t. It took me forty minutes to get home. I’m dog tired and I’ve got a big test and a full day of work tomorrow.” He glanced at his watch a third time. “You can’t go back. It’s too late and it’s horrible outside. The road conditions are ripe for fatalities. Just wait until morning, okay.”
“At least you don’t want me to die.” She gave him a smile that immediately withered on her face.
He said, “You can have my room. I’ll bunk in one of the other rooms. Do you need some pajamas or something?”
“You have sweats?”
“I do. Hold on.” He disappeared into his room and she followed. He handed her a T-shirt and some pants. “Is this okay?”