“Not the after party. You are not going to a motel with her.”
“I won’t take her to the after party. We can say that . . .” He snapped his fingers. “I’ll tell everyone we’re working it out. That’ll get her out of the after party. I’ll take Lisa to the after party. She’ll be thrilled and it’ll make Shannon jealous.” When he saw Ben staring at him, he said, “It’s like football, Vicks. You plan several moves in advance. I’ll take Ro to the winter dance. Seriously, you don’t want to go to the winter dance.”
“Seriously.”
JD gave him a knowing grin. “It’s the perfect solution. I’ll take her to the winter dance, I’ll take her to the spring fling, I’ll take her to prom—”
“No, I’m taking her to prom.”
“You want to go to prom?”
“I promised her. I’m taking her.”
“Vicks, I have to take her to prom. If I lose out to you on that, it’ll ruin my rep.”
“I don’t give a rat’s ass about your rep. I’m taking her to prom. And if that’s a deal breaker, then we are done talking.”
The doorbell rang.
“Jeez, what now!” Ben got up and looked through the peephole. It was Ro. When he opened the door, she said, “We can talk now.”
Ben raised his eyebrows. “JD’s here.”
She took a step backward. “You let him in your house?”
“Come in.”
“I’m not coming in with that asshole here. Get rid of him.”
“Come in, Ro. He wants to apologize.”
“I’m sorry,” JD shouted from inside.
Ro stormed into the house, pushing Ben out of the way. “You’re a real asshole,” she said to JD.
“I never denied it.”
“How could you do that to me?” She was teary-eyed again. “Why did you do that to me?”
“Rosers, I truly think you are the most beautiful girl in the world—”
“Answer the damn question!”
“I am answering the damn question. I want you, but I also want sex. I’m a dog.”
“You’re a dog and an asshole. I’m never speaking to you again. Get out of here!”
“You never really liked me, okay?” JD snapped back. “I mean, you liked who I was and what I could bring to the table, but you never really liked me!”
Ro was quiet.
Ben broke the silence. “Anyone want coffee?” When they both glared at him, he said, “You two can continue on with your evil-eye staring contest. I need caffeine.”
Ro said, “I liked you. I don’t like you now, but I did like you.”
“And my sisters like me too,” JD said. “But I don’t want a sister for a girlfriend.”
Silence again. Ben got out the coffee and poured the water into the machine. They all listened to Mr. Coffee burble.
JD said, “I’m sorry I cheated on you. You like to hang with Vicks, hang with him. He’s a good guy. I don’t see what you see in him when you can have me, but there’s no accounting for bad taste.”
“I’m smarter than you,” Ben said.
“Agreed. But in everything else . . . seriously.”
When he took out a mug, Ro said, “I’ll take a cup.”
“JD?”
“Yeah, why not.”
Ben served them coffee. Between Shanks and this, he’d always have a job as a barista. “Are you going to say anything, JD, or do I have to say it?”
“It’d be better if you said it.”
“Say what?” Ro asked.
“You have to promise that you’re not going to slap me and walk out, okay.” Ben sipped coffee and pointed to JD. “This is his idea.”
“But you agree with it,” JD said.
“I haven’t agreed to anything. I’m only reporting, so don’t kill the messenger.” Ro waited. “JD still wants you for his ‘official’ girlfriend.” Ben made air quotes. “You’d be like a beard for him so he can pretend that you didn’t dump him. And you’d still have the hottest guy in the school.”
She stared at Ben. “I guess this is the part where I slap you.”
“Ro, if you do dump him, he’ll make your life miserable. I’ve known this boy for a long time. Like I told you in the car, he’s an asshole and a prick.”
“All true,” JD said.
“I won’t be there to protect you. I can’t stand the thought of your being unhappy.”
Her eyes flitted between Ben and JD. “You both are lunatics. I don’t want to have anything to do with either one of you.”
Ben took her hand but she pulled it away. “Dorothy, you know how I feel about you.”
“And that’s why you’re willing to share me?”
“No, no,” JD said. “It’s not that we’re sharing you. That’s the wrong way of looking at it.” He sipped coffee. “Rosers, think of it like that vampire chick flick from like years ago. You know the one.” He made his voice high. “I want the vampire, I want the zombie, I want the vampire, I want the zombie.”
“Werewolf,” Ro said.
“Who wins out?” Ben asked. “The vampire or the zombie?”
“Werewolf.”
“The werewolf wins out?”
“No, the vampire.”
Ben said, “Okay, I’m the vampire, JD. You’re the zombie.”
“No, no, no,” JD said. “I’m the vampire, you’re the zombie—”
“Werewolf!” Ro shouted. “There is no zombie. And you know what both of you really are? You’re both idiots!”
“Ro, you’re missing the meta-message here,” Ben said. “We’re fighting over you, hon.”
JD said, “It’s like this, Rosers. It’s not a choice between the vampire and the zombie—”
“Werewolf! There is no zombie! Jeez, don’t you listen?”
“This is the choice. You can have superman. Me: tall, athletic, good-looking, socially adept, and really smart . . . who will probably have my own sports agency and be a multimillionaire before the age of forty. Or you can have this moody, reclusive geek . . . who has a good chance of becoming the next Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg and will be a billionaire before the age of thirty.”
Ben couldn’t help it. He doubled over in laughter.
“So pleased with yourselves!” Ro said. “You both are douchebags.”
JD said, “Dorothy, you are the prettiest, smartest, and wittiest girl in the entire school. And I daresay you’re probably the prettiest, smartest, and wittiest girl in any high school across the country.”
“Stow it, JD. I am not going back to you. You made a fool out of me.”
“I’ll publicly apologize. I’ll eat shit. I’ll make it appear that you’re holding all the cards.”
“While you’re doing Lisa, right?”
“He’s also doing Shannon.” Ben avoided JD’s shocked stare. “To make an informed decision, she’s got to know everything.”
“You’re doing Shannon?” Ro was incredulous. Then she said, “Is Weekly doing her too?”
“Sure is, Mama.”
“God!” She shook her head. “And I thought Scarsdale was bad.”
“It probably is,” JD said. “You just never made it into twelfth grade. Ro, no one gives a shit about school anymore. We’re all like freaky-deaky. That means you can spend the next five months under my protection, or you can sit by yourself and be miserable.”
No one spoke.
JD said, “You know how this guy feels about school dances and all that hoopla.” He was pointing to Ben. “I’ll take you to the winter dance, I’ll take you to the spring fling, I’ll take you to prom.”
“No, I’m taking her to prom,” Ben said.
“Hells no,” JD said.