Killian and I drink in silence until I finally speak. "The job at the Mayburn orchard is a temporary thing," I say. I'm not sure why I feel the need to tell him this. "Foreman position. The fucking chick running the place is lucky she didn't burn down half her orchard."
Killian nods and takes another pull on his beer. "I knew this was a story involving a chick," he says, finally turning toward me. His expression is serious, but there's the familiar twinkle he gets in his eyes when he gives me shit, just like he always has. Killian and I are two years apart, and were always closer to each other than we were to Elias and Silas.
Silas and Elias always had some kind of weird ESP shit going on, even when they were kids, whatever the hell kind of simpatico twins inevitably seem to have. They were always on the same wavelength. Killian, on the other hand, used to give me a ration of shit all the time, smacking me across the back of the head for doing something stupid, but taking up for me when kids at school acted like assholes.
Or when our father came home drunk and mean. Killian was the one who took the brunt of his rage as the oldest, always stepping in to protect us. I don't know how bad that fucked him up, but I can imagine. He never talks about it.
"It's not about a chick," I say, but the thought of Autumn makes my cock stir, and I shift uncomfortably in my seat.
"Sure it's not," Killian says, laughing. "Shit, I'm your big brother. You think I don't know how you lose your damn mind over *? There's definitely a girl involved. I'm just surprised that you're sticking around here, that's all."
"There's no * involved," I protest. "I want to find out what the hell happened with mom, that's all."
Killian shrugs. "What the fuck do you think happened with her? Pills and booze."
"Mom hardly ever drank, Killian," I say. "You know that. With how much of an alcoholic dad was? She hated the stuff. Besides, you were the one who said there was no way she killed herself.”
"People change, Luke," he says simply. "And maybe I’m just playing devil’s advocate. How long has it been since you've been back here? You don't know that she didn't start drinking. Who knows what the hell happened?"
"It doesn't make sense," I protest. "Anyway, why would she kill herself after the asshole died? After all that time with him, suffering living with him – she just goes and offs herself once she's free? Come on, Killian. Even you know that doesn't make a lick of sense."
Killian turns toward me now, his dark eyes flashing. "You go poking around in shit like that, Luke, you may not like the answers you find."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Killian's tone pisses me off – some kind of cross between a warning and a big brotherly lecture. I'm not a kid, the way Killian seems to perpetually think of me.
Killian takes another big swig, then exhales heavily. "It means that you should stop poking around in this kind of bullshit. What if you find that it really was a suicide?"
"So what? Then we know. She killed herself, and that's all there is to it."
"And if it's a suicide, it means that our mother killed herself because she couldn't live without the asshole. It means that all that time, all those years she was with him, all those years he kicked the shit out of us as kids, she didn't leave him. That she wanted to be with him. That's what it's going to mean if you find out that she committed suicide. Do you really want to find out the answer to that question?"
"She was weak, Killian," I reason. "That never really was a question. I'm not doubting that."
"But if she offed herself over that asshole, then it's more than just ‘she was weak’. Do you fucking get that? It means she loved him the whole time."
"I get it," I say. "I just don't think that's what happened."
Killian rolls his eyes. "You think someone killed her?" he asks. "Why?"
"I don't know why. That's what I want to know."
Killian shakes his head. "Shit, Luke, you never could settle for doing what anyone told you to do without asking 'why' a thousand damn times."
"Remember in sixth grade when Ms. Hasley kicked me out of class for arguing with her about the field trip?"
"Fuck." Killian laughs under his breath. "Of course I do. I was the one who had to pick your damn ass up from school and take you home. You would have gotten your ass beat too if I hadn't covered for you. At least Ms. Hasley didn't send a note home."
"She knew what the asshole would have done if he'd have found out."
"I reckon so," Killian agrees. He drains the rest of his bottle and stares ahead for a long time, silent. "So you really think something's going on?"
"I don't know," I tell him. The honest truth is that I have no fucking clue. But my gut says something's not right with her death. And if something's off with hers, it has to do with the asshole's death too, since he didn't die that long before her. They have to be connected, but I don't share that suspicion with Killian. "Maybe. Maybe it's nothing."