For six nights he watched me from across the street, and I danced knowing he watched me. It was freeing and painful at the same time. I put everything I felt into the movements, hoping that maybe he’d understand the story I danced. That maybe he’d see my love for him.
Each night when the song ended, I turned off the lights, sat on the floor and held my breath.
Hoping he’d smile.
Hoping he’d cross the street.
Hoping he’d not walk away.
But he always did.
I didn’t know how to reach him without pushing him farther away, but I wasn’t giving up on us. He loved me. That didn’t just go away. It bore into your soul and lived there.
And maybe I’d never have kids with Killian, but I’d have him and the family that came with him. A family who had welcomed me into their arms without hesitation.
I left the studio early tonight, unable to face another night with him watching me then leaving. Because that was what it was. Him leaving me again and again. As I walked up to my apartment building, the hairs on the back of my neck rose, and I felt his eyes on me.
He was here.
I didn’t look though. I opened the door and jogged up the three flights of stairs then went into my apartment, straight into my kitchen and picked up the orchid from the windowsill.
It had to stop, and this was the only way I could think of to do it. To make him react. To do something. Either walk away for good or come back to me.
This was our beginning.
When I’d lost everything and was scared and alone, Killian had given me a piece of him to take with me.
And he knew how important the orchid was to me.
“What are you doing with that?” Trevor asked as he propped up against his doorframe, arms crossed.
“Pushing him,” I said.
He chuckled. “About time, cupcake. Let me know if you need any help.”
I carried the orchid downstairs and out the door, then walked the length of the building to the garbage bin. I lifted the lid and tossed the orchid inside.
The lid slammed shut and the sound echoed through the parking lot.
Eleven years I’d held onto the orchid, and somehow even unconsciously, it was holding onto Killian, too.
Walking away was hard. I wanted to go back and grab the orchid. Save it. Save us.
I looked straight ahead, uncertain if he’d seen me or not, but knowing either way, I had to do it.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
My body sagged at the sound of his voice behind me. It was as if he just handed me a piece of my heart back. His words didn’t matter because I knew he’d be angry. I wanted him to get angry.
I slowly turned, and even though he had dark circles under his eyes and his lips were pursed, and his brows were dangerously low, he was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.
God, I missed him. The urge to throw my arms around him was overwhelming, and I had to look away for a second to collect myself.
“Savvy, what the hell?” He stayed six feet away as if he didn’t trust himself to come any closer.
“I don’t want it anymore,” I said, lifting my chin and trying to appear as if him being here didn’t affect me.
“Bullshit,” he said.
I shrugged. “Does it matter? It’s gone, and I’m moving on.” But I wasn’t. He was my home. Wherever that may be, and however long it took to get there, this man was my home. He was just fighting it. But that ended now. “And stop watching me, damn it.”
His jaw clenched and his back stiffened. “I can’t. I fuckin’ can’t.”
Oh, God. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and take away all the pain he’d suffered. As a kid unwanted by his father. As a teenager lost to the anger that consumed him. As a man who controlled his emotions and buried his pain.
“Well, you know what, I can’t stop hurting. I can’t stop missing you. I can’t stop feeling like I can’t breathe. And I can’t stop loving you. But I’ve accepted it. I’ve accepted that my love for you will never die and I’ll have to live with that. But I sure as hell don’t need you stalking me and reminding me of it.” I turned, swiped my fob over the pad and the front door unlocked.
“Savvy.”
I threw open the door.
“Savvy,” he growled.
I stepped inside, but I didn’t make it far before his hand grabbed my arm and he yanked me aside, pressing me into the glass. “Damn it, Savvy. You can’t throw the orchid away.”
He may have said orchid, but I knew he was saying us.
My heart pounded, and my belly fluttered as he held my wrists on either side of my head against the glass. His eyes blazed, but the green was alive and burning. The ice chips had melted.
“Kiss me,” I said. “Kiss me goodbye. Then do what you’re good at and walk away and hide behind your wall.”
His eyes narrowed and his grip tightened. It hurt, but I wanted the pain. I wanted him to hurt.
“Kiss me,” I repeated. For a split second I thought he was going to let me go as he loosened his grip, but then he swore beneath his breath before his mouth slammed against mine.
It was like jumping off a waterfall and having no idea when I was going to hit the pool beneath. Not caring. I just wanted this feeling to last forever.
His kiss was starved.
Determined. Bruising. Uncontrolled. And within all of that was love. It was him loving me without borders.
“Savvy,” he murmured against my lips. He released my wrists, and I wrapped my arms around him. He pulled back and cupped my chin, his eyes smoldering with desire, but there was a hesitancy within the depths. “I can’t give you everything you want.”
“You already have, Killian. I have a home in you. A family in you. The gift of loving you.”
“But kids….”
I weaved my fingers into his hair. “We’ll get a dog.”