“I merely said you should take time to really think about what you need. You’ve been through a lot, and it’s not unusual for people in your position to distract themselves with work or new relationships instead of addressing the real issue.”
“The issue is that Max and I will never work out. I’m here, and he’s there.” I held my hands apart as if showing her the size of a big fish I’d caught. “I mean, that man…” I sighed. The way he’d looked at my brother. The way he’d run off and started a “Lily” company. He was so…so…ugh. I didn’t know. “He’s not good for me.” But I couldn’t deny the attraction and the sexual power he had over my body. It remembered him, craved him, and went full-blown gaga in his presence.
“You two never truly had closure. I recommend talking to him. Tell him calmly what you feel, and then say goodbye if it’s really what you want.”
Again, she was right. I kept hanging on to Max because we hadn’t really ended things. Six months ago, I’d made a mess of his life—and mine—then I asked for his forgiveness and he’d basically said see ya. I needed to really end things with him—a) so he could move on, and b) so I could, too.
“Thanks, Clara. I appreciate you making time for me last minute.”
“That’s what I’m here for. Let me know how it goes.”
It’s going to go like shit and you’re going to feel like shit, because your head is up your ass. Max is too good for you. And you know that’s the issue.
Thank you, asshole voice.
I grabbed my purse from the floor and stood, feeling annoyed with myself for allowing such ugly thoughts to kick me while I was already down.
“At what point will I stop being my own worst enemy?” I asked.
Clara gave me a little smile. “Never. Because you’re human. You’re also your biggest fan.”
“So I’m a narcissistic self-hater?”
“Split personality all the way,” she replied with a smile.
“Ha. Not funny.”
She dropped her smile. “Who said I was joking?”
“Okay. That’s really not funny.” I frowned.
“Sorry. Just a little therapist humor.” She stood and gave my arm a squeeze. “You’re doing fine, Lily. Just try to remember what I said and start using that tenacity on yourself. I’m here if you need me.”
Okay, self, get ready to rumble. “Thanks, Clara.”
I felt a little lighter as I left her office and traipsed through her garden out to my car, which was really a big old van with a lily pad logo on the side. Not so cool, but I needed it to haul inventory.
As soon as I slid behind the wheel, that annoying heaviness took a seat on my chest. Okay. Focus. What do I need? What do I need?
I needed closure with the two men in my life. I needed to say goodbye to Patricio, even if I felt angry with him. I also needed to see Max and really explain where my head was at. If I didn’t clear out the muck, I wouldn’t be able to find room for what I needed: space for me. And if I didn’t do that, I would keep hopping from one thing to the next, trying to fill some void in my life without truly knowing what the void was.
I started my engine and headed to my apartment. I would call my mother on the way and ask her to look after the shop while I was gone. Today, I’d completely baled and couldn’t afford more lost sales even if miniscule. She loved coming in and helping me from time to time, but she would freak out getting to be in charge of the entire thing herself. She was a model worrywart.
This moment proved to be yet another milestone in my life: accepting help from others, something I’d never quite mastered.
One step, Lily.
I’d left Patricio two messages while on my way to LAX, a two-hour drive but worth the trouble because tickets to Chicago were cheaper compared to the local airport. On the third attempt to call Patricio, I knew he simply didn’t want to speak with me, but this was no longer about him. This was about me. That’s right. I’m being selfish for once! Totally selfish! Boohoo for you, men!