She’d told herself she could do this. She could get closer to him, knowing she might be setting herself up for disaster if he happened to change his mind at some point along the way. But after this, after sharing a bed with him, after sleeping next to him and God knows what else might happen during the night? Yeah, she’d never get over it if he decided to walk away after that.
Ella was thinking she should get out of there while she still could, but then his arm came around her waist to draw her closer to him, and she was lost, absolutely, positively lost.
She wasn’t going anywhere.
CHAPTER 4
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches
in the soul—and sings the tunes without
the words—and never stops at all.
—Emily Dickinson
Ella wasn’t sure where to put her hands. Or her legs. Or the rest of her, for that matter. He was going to think she’d never been in a bed with a man before, when she had. Not that he needed to know that. She’d never been in bed with a man who mattered as much as this one did.
“Relax, El. It’s just me, your old buddy Gavin.”
That made her laugh. “Right. That’s all you are. My old buddy Gavin.”
“I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through.”
“Gavin . . .”
“Hear me out. You have to know it wasn’t easy for me to walk away from you. It wasn’t easy that day on the beach or when you came here to check on me after I got arrested. At Will’s wedding, all I wanted was to dance with you, to hold you, to touch you. God, you looked so beautiful that day in the gold dress. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”
“I’m sorry I said no to you.”
“I wasn’t surprised. I haven’t given you much reason to say yes.” He ran his hand over her back and Ella began to relax ever so slightly. “You know you’re taking on a real fixer-upper here, right?”
Ella laughed at his terminology. “With a little work, I think that fixer-upper could be a real gem.”
“You think so, huh?”
“I know so. But I have conditions.”
“I’m listening.”
“No more bars. No more fighting. A lot less drinking.”
“What else?”
“If you’re spinning, you come to me. You talk to me. You don’t try to drown it out by drinking or fighting or anything else that might be deemed self-destructive.”
“You don’t want me around when I’m in one of the dark moods.”
“Yes, I do. That’s what I’m telling you.”
“Ella . . . You don’t know what you’re signing on for.”
“After all this time you can honestly say that? I know exactly what I’m signing on for, and all your warnings haven’t pushed me away yet. Why do you think that’s going to work now?”
“You deserve better.”
“Probably.”
His grunt of laughter made her smile in the dark.
“But for some strange reason, you’re the one I want.”
“That makes me feel pretty damned lucky.”
“Don’t screw it up.”
“I’m apt to. It’s been a long time since I had an actual girlfriend.”
“Oh, I remember, what’s-her-name. Dalia. Ugh, what kind of name is Dalia?”
His hand slid down her arm to take hold of her hand. “Put away those claws, tiger.”
“Whatever became of her anyway?”
“She couldn’t cope with me after Caleb died. She tried, but eventually she stopped trying, and I didn’t care enough to notice she’d gone.”
Ella couldn’t help feeling a tiny bit sorry for the other woman, not that she hadn’t been glad to see her go. She’d noticed—probably before Gavin did. “There hasn’t been anyone since then?”
“Here and there, but nothing serious. I haven’t had the capacity for serious. I’ve been focused on the business and my parents and just getting through every day.”
“That’s no way to live, Gav. You know that, don’t you?”
“It’s all I’ve been capable of.”
“I won’t ever pretend to understand what you’ve been through since you lost Caleb. I can’t imagine losing any of my siblings, let alone my only sibling. For what it’s worth, the day we lost him was the worst day of my life.”
Gavin squeezed her hand.
“All these years later, there’s still a dull ache in my heart with his name on it. He was one of the most amazing people I’ve ever known.”