“I’m not Catch.”
“I know. Oh, I know.”
“Have things been bad for you at my club since you became my old lady?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Then, what the fuck is the problem?” His voice spiked.
“Coming here to Meager—just ripping up and taking off to a new place, trusting people I didn’t even know—was a gamble that paid off beautifully. It was a huge step for me. But this was supposed to be my time. For me. For me to finally stand up on my own two feet and forge my future or whatever. And instead…”
“Instead what?”
My heart sloshed heavily back and forth in the sour muck filling my chest. “Instead, I’m attaching myself to another man again.”
“You’re attaching yourself to me—to me—not just some other guy.”
“To you, yes.” I held his hard gaze, which seared right through my middle. “And maybe Catch was right—to another bike club. The problem is…”
“There’s a problem?” He gritted his teeth.
“Let me finish, please. The problem is, I don’t want to live a life where I just let things happen to me. I want to do things, make things happen.”
“You made this pregnancy happen. You’re changing lives. You did that.”
“Yes.”
“You changed your daughter’s life and Rae’s by leaving Catch and Nebraska. And today, you got the club its piece of justice by nailing Mindy and her friend. Don’t you see that?”
I only nodded, my lips pressed together. My face tightened as I tried to force down the lid on an unrelenting jack-in-the-box of emotions.
“It’s something else. What is it?”
“It’s just that, after the baby’s born, it might be hard for me to be here. Maybe Grace won’t want me here. I don’t know. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what the after will be like.” My throat stung, my eyes welled with water. “I know it’s not my baby. I’m just carrying it, but I still love it and care about what happens to it. After I give birth, maybe things will be strange between all of us, and it would just be better for everyone if I left. Cleaner.” I wiped at my eyes. “I don’t know. I don’t know what it’s going to be like.”
“Look at me.”
I met his raw gaze, and my chest hurt.
“You don’t have to burn your bridges, Jill. You don’t have to cut all of us off, let us go.”
“I don’t want to,” I breathed. “I don’t want to.” My vision turned watery again.
“Don’t.” He grabbed me, his lips taking mine, his tongue invading, his taste swirling with my salty tears.
His forehead slid against mine. “You feel that? That’s real, Firefly. Trust me when I tell you, that is being alive and free. Do what you got to do, follow your dreams, make your plans, but you don’t have to walk away from us—from me—to do it.”
I clutched at his waist, our eyes locking.
Dreams, plans—I had clung to them so tightly when I first got to Meager. But dreams evolved, didn’t they? They transformed into different dreams, new ones, better ones.
Both the baby I was carrying and Boner had made one of my dreams come true for me—a home, surrounded by good people who had become good friends. No, more than that, they had already become family to me.
“Thank you for Becca’s room. This is an incredible surprise and such a wonderful gift. No one’s ever done something like this for me. I’m sorry I reacted the way I did. I didn’t mean to be ungrateful or freak out on you, but I did freak out. Forgive me.”
He brushed my hair away from my wet face. “You’re welcome.”
I hated that I’d hurt his feelings. I hated the things I’d said. “Boner—”
He rubbed his hand across my throat, gripping it, collaring it. “I’m right here, baby. But you’ve got to want this, too. You’ve got to choose it.”
We made a quick stir-fry with strips of pork, red peppers, and carrots, along with a romaine lettuce salad on the side. I had fully expected to find only cans of beer and maybe an empty egg carton in his refrigerator. But no, Boner actually had a few real food supplies.
We ate at his square kitchen table, me telling him stories about Becca when she was younger, him telling me a few funny stories about when he had been a prospect.
We cleaned up, and he took my hand and led me up the stairs to his room. Butterflies fluttered in my belly, and it wasn’t the baby. I felt like the proverbial virgin on her wedding night.
I had packed something special in my overnight bag for this evening, even though I’d almost talked myself out of it at the last minute. Now, I was glad that I had bought it just in case we ever had a whole night to ourselves. I went into his bathroom to change.
The sting of guilt from seeing the disappointment in his eyes earlier over my reaction to him setting up a nursery for Becca still hadn’t worn off. I was determined to make it up to him.
I swung open the bathroom door and entered his bedroom.
“Fuck me. What are you wearing?”
“It’s called a baby-doll nightie.”