“No, I’m just curious.”
He stretched the T-shirt over his head. “There’s lots of noise everywhere I go—the club, the shop, the bars. When I actually get to be here, in my own place, I want it quiet. The noise is fun, the noise is what I know, but this is apart from that. I need it.”
I tore my eyes away from his molten gaze, hugging the towel to my chest. “This purple bottle is interesting. Is that your cologne?”
“You like it?”
“Very much.”
“It’s an oil blend. Lenore started to make her own fragrances from natural oils and flowers and spices and whatever else. She made me a couple to test out. This one’s my favorite. She’s coming out with a line at her store. They’re unisex. It’s the new thing, she told me.”
“It smells great on you, but I love the way you smell.”
“You mean, the oil?”
“You and the oil.”
A low chuckle erupted from his throat. “That’s good.” He took the towel from me and brought it back to the bathroom. “I’ve got a surprise for you. Come here.” He took my hand in his.
“Surprise? I like surprises!” I shoved his tormented poetry out of my mind and gripped his hand. He led me out of his bedroom and across the hall to the closed door.
Oh boy, the secret room.
He pushed the door open.
My breath caught. “What have you done?”
I FROZE.
“You like it?” Boner asked.
My gaze fell on a white crib decorated with a pink-and-green quilt and quilted paneling. A matching white dresser stood proudly to its right.
He threw an arm around my shoulders. “I like the minty green with the pink crap. What do you think?”
“Boner, you didn’t have to do this.”
He only stared at me, the soft ease sliding from his face, like water down a windshield, leaving stiff, harsh angles behind.
“I mean, this must have been so expensive,” I added.
“I wanted to do it for you and Becs. Whenever you stay here, the two of you will be comfortable. She’ll be safe in a crib, and you’ll be relaxed, knowing she’s safe in a crib and in her own room for a change. This turns into a toddler bed, too.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
He removed his arm from my shoulders and shifted his weight. “Say anything. Anything else but, What have you done?, or, You didn’t have to do this, or, I don’t know what to say.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Or, I’m sorry.”
My hands smoothed over the polished slick wood of the crib. So solid. “It’s just that—”
“Jill! What the fuck?”
He was spending money, making plans, looking ahead.
“I can’t live with you.”
His nostrils flared. “Why not?”
“I can’t leave Rae. I take care of her and her house. It’s a paying job.”
“I know all that. We all know that. But there are times, like tonight, when you have a night off or a day or a few hours, and we can be together. And this way, Becca can be here, too, with us.”
I nodded, chewing my lower lip.
“All this would make that situation easier on everybody. You don’t have to coordinate babysitters on top of caregivers or whatever the fuck.” His head slanted. “But you like it the way it is now, don’t you? The not easy, the having to steal time here and there. Yeah, you like the not easy because it’s easier for you. That’s convenient for you, isn’t it? This here”—he gestured with his thumb at the crib, the dresser—“spells complicated, doesn’t it?”
My face heated.
“Because what’s convenient for you is not having to commit to anything with me. You’re in. You’re out. Bits and pieces. You get horny, you come find me, you call me.”
“That’s not true. You know that’s not true.”
“No, I don’t. I honestly don’t. What are your plans after the baby’s born? You haven’t said a thing. You staying with Rae? Moving out? Moving out of Meager? Leaving South Dakota? The United States? Which is it?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
He lifted his chin. “So, you are thinking of leaving?”
“Initially, that was the plan.” I swallowed past the sawdust in my throat. “Have the baby, find a real job, school part-time. Move to Rapid at least.”
“And go on nice dates to coffee shops with Matt.”
My head snapped up. “What? No…”
His fingers gripped the the handrail of the crib, his knuckles whitening.
“I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I love Rae, and she and Becca need each other. They should have time together. I really don’t want to ruin that, but I also need to do what I need to do.”
“And I don’t fit into that category?”
“What category?”
“Need.”
“For God’s sake! You know what I mean!”
The green light in his eyes dimmed, his jaw set. “Jill, I don’t think you know what you mean. Am I holding you back? Or you’re pushing back, so you don’t get too far in it?”
“I don’t know.” I averted my gaze. “I care about you and—”
“And?”
“Bone, I lived the life for almost three years, and I didn’t particularly enjoy it.”