It was Danny. Standing there with a drink in hand, cackling.
I threw the finger to Danny and got the crowd to ooohh and aaahh a little.
Johnny grabbed for the air, screaming for help. He looked at me, swinging, spitting, wanting me to finish him off.
I walked to Johnny and put one foot on his ankle. I twisted my foot to his ankle and he screamed. His hands smacked the concrete.
“I quit! I fucking quit!”
That was good enough for me.
I walked to the edge of the circle and then left it. It was completely disrespectful to walk out of the circle like that. The fight hadn’t been called, except in my head.
I shouldn’t have been there.
I should have been drunk.
I should have been crying.
I should have been fighting myself.
I should have just done the right thing… and just done myself in.
~
People touched my shoulders. People screamed my name. People told me I was a great fighter. People told me I fought like a pussy. Someone threw a drink at me for costing them money.
I went into the hallway and looked up and down. I thought about that voice behind me from before. Asking me if I was okay. No, I fucking wasn’t okay at all. I wanted to find that bitch and show her that I wasn’t okay. You want the fucking fantasy of fucking a fighter? Then come and fucking get it.
As I walked the hall, I touched my cheek. It was swollen pretty good. Johnny had a hell of a left on him. Maybe he’d smarten up and once he got his ankle and knee fixed, he’d go back to the fucking ring with some gloves and a referee.
I found the bathroom and splashed water on my face. My cheek was bleeding pretty good. An inch higher with his fist and Johnny would have knocked my eye swollen shut.
I hung my head, leaving the water running…
“Get him over here! Get some water on his face! He’ll wake up!”
I stood there, alone. It was like nobody gave a shit about Shane. I swore I could see dirt mixed with the blood from the guy’s boot. That might have been the final blow that killed Shane. Or maybe Shane had died after the first blow.
The crowd stirred and was breaking up. A lot of the guys in the crowd looked sick to their stomachs. Yeah, fuck you all. Fantasize about the violence and death… then you see it… and you get sick?
I dropped to my knees and grabbed Shane’s head. My thumbs at his temples, my fingers at the back of his skull. It was warm and mushy. At first, I thought it was his hair. Then I realized… it was his head. His brains. My fingers were digging into my brother’s brains.
He was gone.
He was fucking gone.
I looked up and Aton stood there, in a white suit, black tie, a look of disgust on his face.
“Get him out of here,” Aton said. “What a goddamn shame.”
“Don’t take him,” I said. “He needs help.”
“Wes, he needs a hole to be dug,” Aton said. “It’s over. I’m sorry. It’s just business.”
It’s just business.
Everything was business. Even the family was all about business. They had everything from corporations to politicians in their pockets. If someone didn’t do what the family wanted, they killed the person or overtook his position of power.
There was nothing I could do about it.
Aton paid for a small funeral. For the casket, the plot, and the stone. He did it to keep me sane. To normalize Shane’s death as though it were some unavoidable tragedy.
I stared at myself in the mirror. I gripped the sink and then felt myself let go. I pulled the sink from the wall and slammed it to the ground. Water shot up out of the pipe as I turned and walked to the bathroom door.
I saw Danny waving at me, wanting me.
I walked the other way.
What the fuck did it matter? I needed whiskey and I needed to visit Shane. I had already fucked the night… but the good news? If everything went as needed, I’d be joining my brother in afterlife by morning.
3.
(Rose)
“When is it ever going to be safe?”
I laughed and snorted, the wine definitely doing its job. My best friend - or closest thing I could have to a best friend - Macie sat next to me on the couch.
“You tell me,” I said, slurring a little.
“You’re in this, not me.”
“You’re fucking my brother.”
“Only when he chooses me,” Macie said and frowned.
She was in love with Luke and I would never understand why. Luke wasn’t the kind of guy you liked, or loved. Maybe you just respected him and only enough to just stay the hell away from him.
We were in a cramped apartment above a restaurant. The restaurant was a front for some gambling and dancing that happened in the back room and the basement. Nothing about the place was legal, but the apartment was a great hideout spot. Luke told me to hang here for the night, until the smoke cleared. I had no idea what that meant. Well, truthfully, it meant Luke caused a problem. I just didn’t know what kind of problem that was.
At least I had Macie.
And wine.
“When is Luke going to come back?” Macie asked.
“Take it easy,” I said. “You know how he is.”
“I’m kind of eager…”
“Ew,” I whispered.