None of that was said in front of Raquel.
During most of the training I’d been lulled into a false sense of security, sitting beside Raquel and listening intently as she discussed Father Gabriel’s teachings and the beliefs shared in The Light. I didn’t remember the things she discussed and many seemed foreign, yet occasionally something seemed familiar.
I didn’t nap, as Raquel had joked that I might. I paid attention and answered all Sister Lilith’s questions with a nod or shake of my head. I didn’t understand my motivation other than a new desire not to further embarrass Jacob.
When Raquel was called away to help with another patient, she asked Sister Lilith if she was about done. Sister Lilith said yes, but she wasn’t. Like a snake in the grass, she was waiting.
In my current state, Sister Lilith’s berating hit me hard. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t have enough information. Technically I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but I didn’t know how to react. What upset me was Sister Lilith’s promise that correction was coming—correction for blatant insubordination. Then, as she was about to leave, she whispered her promise to return in the morning for more time alone.
I couldn’t put my finger on it, but in the three days since I’d awoken, it seemed as though my true self had slipped further away. Each day, while I questioned my own identity, the answer became more clear. I was Sara Adams. Though I still wanted to understand the oddities of this strange world, more and more of me wanted to be the Sara Jacob expected me to be.
Maybe I was going crazy. I didn’t care anymore about the color of my hair or features of my face. I wanted to know my state of mind. How had I become someone who could be reduced to tears twice in two days? Not just tears, not salty drops of water gently gliding down my cheeks. No, I was crying ugly sobs that ached in my chest as my eyes and nose leaked profusely, covering not only my face but my pillow too.
“Sara?”
I was so lost in Sister Lilith’s words, I’d almost forgotten that Jacob was there. As the bed moved upward, I slowly turned his way. It wasn’t bravery that gave me the strength to face him, even though, according to Lilith, I should be turning toward his wrath. It was a combination of shame and duty. I’d failed him, and as his wife, I needed to learn my fate.
My temples ached as I tried to reason. Could I speak and ask him what had happened?
No. I couldn’t ask questions. I needed to wait for answers.
Oh, God! The wait was worse than knowing my fate.
Silently Jacob lifted my chin as the bed rail lowered. Sitting with his leg touching my arm, he gently wiped my face, cleaning away the evidence of my second meltdown in two days. I’d expected punishment, yet in mere moments his silent support gave me strength. Taking a ragged breath, I shuddered, trying to process his conflicting reactions.
Instead of discipline, his large hands delivered tenderness. Instead of a cold wrath, his body against mine provided warmth. Strong and reserved, his voice flowed with compassion. “No one else is here; you may speak. What is it? Why are you crying?”
I gasped for air to replace the sobs. With a firm grip on my chin, he continued to wipe away new tears as I evaluated his actions against Sister Lilith’s words. They didn’t match.
Though I understood that I was completely at his mercy, something spoke to my heart. From the internal chaos I heard a voice. Speaking softly, it whispered, Believe in yourself. You are stronger than this. Always stay true.
“Sara, don’t make me repeat myself. You’re upset. Part of my responsibility is helping you. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what happened. Does this have to do with Sister Lilith?”
Stay true . . . I nodded.
“Let me hear you,” he reprimanded. “The Commission knows you’re speaking. I’ve asked for your speech to be restricted to only me for a while. I’ll soon learn if my petition was granted.” He paused. When I didn’t respond, he repeated himself, the second time firmer than the one before. “Sara, speak now.”
You are strong . . . “I’m so confused.”
Jacob framed my cheeks and held my face close to his, allowing our noses to touch. He asked, “What happened? Why are you confused?”
“I don’t understand what’s happening. I don’t remember what happened or what I did, but she said it was bad . . .” My voice faded.
Tilting my head forward, Jacob kissed my hair. “Listen to me.”
Nodding, I tried to gauge his response, but his voice was soft and gentle.
“It’s not Sister Lilith’s place to say that to you. You’re my responsibility. We’ll get through this together.”
“But because of the Assembly.” My phrases were interrupted by feeble attempts to breathe. “I’ve jeopardized your position, and she said I shamed all the Assembly wives.”