How I can be so numb and hurt so badly at the same time is beyond my cognitive ability to grasp. Last night, I fell asleep sitting up in the glider chair in the baby’s nursery. The furniture is a constant reminder of what was just within reach but has eluded me once again. I can’t pass by that room without stopping to gaze at how perfect it is. When I walk in there, I can’t not touch everything, run my fingers over it, and visualize a sleeping baby girl. Am I not meant to have a baby to love? That thought plagues me as much as my worry for Zoe’s safety does. Depression tries to consume my mind and take me to an even darker place than where I was after Bobby betrayed me. The only thing that pulls me back is River’s sweet voice.
“Laynie, where are you?”
“In the den, baby.”
She walks down the hall toward the den, still wearing her pajamas and rubbing the sleep from her eyes, and climbs into my lap. She snuggles into me as close as she can get, and my frozen heart thaws at the sight. I can’t help but circle my arms around her and rock her gently. Within seconds, she’s fallen back asleep, feeling safe and secure in her own little world.
It’s been days since I’ve seen or heard from Zoe. She’d already quit her job at the grocery store before she disappeared from our lives, and she hasn’t been at her parents’ house. I’ve literally worried myself sick over this whole situation. I can barely eat, and when I do, my stomach churns relentlessly. My heart is so completely broken—and not only because of the adoption falling through.
I love Zoe as if she’s my own daughter. Not knowing where she is, if she’s safe and taken care of, and if she’s healthy and getting the prenatal care she needs is driving me crazy. Add to that the fact Margot is still on the loose and it’s no wonder I’m a basket case. It’s crystal clear that this entire clusterfuck of events has all been orchestrated and manipulated by Margot.
Ace and I haven’t even addressed the pink, polka-dotted elephant in the room of Marcia being his estranged mother. She followed us home from the police station the day I found Zoe’s letter, but I was in no shape to get into that conversation at that point. She left to go back to wherever she’s staying and said she’d wait for us to contact her and let her know we’re ready to talk. I’d like to say I’m ready since she’s coming over today, but the truth is, I just want to get it over with once and for all.
“What are you doing up so early? It’s not even daylight yet.” Ace asks, his voice low so he doesn’t wake River.
“Can’t sleep.” I shrug one shoulder.
He kneels in front of me, gathers River in his arms, and takes her back to her bed. When he returns, I expect him to sit beside me and urge me to try to eat, to plan a fun day with River, or something similar to pull me from the deep funk I’ve been in. Instead, he hooks one arm under my knees and slips the other behind my back. Standing, he takes me with him and cradles me in his arms as he carries me back to our bedroom.
He carefully places me on the bed, controlling his movements as if I’m a china doll he’s afraid he’ll shatter, and climbs in to spoon me from behind. He slides his arm over my body until his hand is underneath my ribcage and he pulls our bodies together, as close as he can get us. “I’ve been a terrible husband these last few days and I’m so sorry. Please tell me I’m not losing you, because it feels like I am.”
His words strike a chord, his tone is so sincere and pained, and his embrace is so warm and welcome. How quickly I’d forgotten how much I need him and to feel him close to me so that I feel safe and whole myself. “You’re not losing me, Ace. I’m not exactly happy with how you handled this, though. I’ve been very open with you about my past—everything that happened with Bobby, my inability to get pregnant, and my pathetic attempt to get Bobby to marry me. Losing my mom and my non-relationship with my dad. I’ve shown you all of me, but now I wonder if I know you at all.”
“You know me better than anyone, baby. I swear I wasn’t trying to keep anything from you. Lily asked me one day if I’d told you the whole story. Like I told her, there have been many times I wanted to tell you just so you’d understand my past, but the whole thing is such a sore topic it instantly puts me in a bad mood. I selfishly didn’t want to bring it up and put a damper on the new life we’re creating.”
“You are exactly what I want and need. I want to get lost in you so the outside world can’t touch us. But I can’t do that if I don’t really know you. You have to let me in, too. Shielding me from everything that makes you you won’t work for either of us.”
“Do you regret marrying me now? Do you feel like we jumped in too soon?”