If Cory and his father hadn’t been killed that night, my life would be so different in that moment. I couldn’t help but think about what would have happened that night, that week, the rest of the year, if Cory were still here. All of it was good, I wanted a life for Cory, wanted him here with me, but now, looking back, I don’t want him in that same capacity. I wanted to grab a hold of aspects of him, tiny slivers of the friend I had in him, and remember those parts best. But he was also my boyfriend. That part caused me the most trouble.
It was late, the moon was hiding behind some clouds and trees, and there were no lights besides the sparkling stars that managed to peek out from behind those clouds. Darkness was simply everywhere. I could hardly see the ground in front of me, and that notion was mirrored in my mind—darkness. My life with Cory would have been dark in some ways, in the best ways and the worst. I didn’t want to live in that world, and I would never know if I would have had the courage to end it, to tell Cory I wasn’t in love with him and would never be.
The weight of my thoughts pressed down on me, slowed me down, and I heard my friends’ voices drifting farther and farther away.
With troubling thoughts trampling through my brain, heartbeat racing and pounding through me, hands shaking, breath hitching, I finally just collapsed to the ground, panic taking over. I pulled up my knees, wrapped my arms around them, and dropped my head into the crook created there. I focused on breathing, trying to tame the flow of thoughts.
It only took a few moments for Holly and Becca to realize I wasn’t with them anymore, and I heard them coming back.
“McKenzie, what is it?” Becca asked, kneeling down next to me. “Holly, call someone.”
“I don’t have any service,” she replied frantically.
“Kenz, what’s wrong?” Now Becca sounded scared too.
“I’m okay, I just need a minute,” I managed, a hoarse whisper croaking from me.
“Are you freaking out because Nate wanted to get you drunk and molest you?”
Becca screamed, “Holly!” and the very same time I let out an enormous laugh. I laughed until I cried. Holly was a handful sometimes, but I never wanted her to have a filter installed. The thoughts and words that came out of her sometimes were the best parts of my day. Like right then.
“Holly, oh my God, you’re just so wacked,” I said through the sputtering end of my laughter.
“What?” she asked innocently, because she had no idea why her question was inappropriate. “Besides, you’re the one on the ground having a breakdown.”
Her words weren’t as unkind as they seemed, I knew her well enough to realize she wasn’t trying to be rude. And anyway, she had a point.
“Why are you on the ground having a breakdown?” Becca asked, sitting down next to me, probably ruining her favorite denim skirt.
I didn’t know what to tell them. My heart was telling me to just be honest. Or, as honest as I could be.
“What would you guys say if I told you….” My heart thundered in my chest.
“Whatever it is, Kenz, you can tell us,” Holly said softly from her seat next to me on the ground, redeeming herself.
“Yeah, you’re scaring me. Just spit it out,” Becca demanded.
“I was never in love with Cory.” I said the words, finally said the words to someone besides Hayes. The truth was heavy when you tried to keep it inside. And although I wasn’t completely weightless, the words definitely took some pressure off. I let out a loud sigh, immediately glad I’d let the truth out.
“Wait. What?” Becca asked.
“I was never in love with him. I had nothing beyond really affectionate, friendly feelings toward him. He was my very, very best friend, but I wasn’t in love with him.”
“But…,” Becca stammered. “But you were with him for two years. You guys, like, did stuff.”
I shrugged, even though I knew they couldn’t see me very well. “I know. I’ll probably never be able to fully explain our relationship, but I never wanted to hurt him, and I thought maybe, someday, I’d fall in love with him. I thought maybe I was a late bloomer.”
“You were just going to be with him until, when? Forever? Because you hoped you’d one day, maybe, eventually fall in love with him?” This came from Becca, and I was a little surprised at how upset she sounded.
“I wasn’t 100 percent aware of how I felt until he was gone, Becca. I loved him, I did. So much. More than anything. But I can’t explain the amount of relief that came with his death. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that, but it happened.”
“Wow,” Holly whispered. “That must be really hard for you.”
I nodded, once again wiping away a tear rolling over my cheek. “I was never untrue to him, and I never stayed with him for any reason other than, well, because I wanted to be in love with him. I hoped every day that I would wake up and that one piece that was missing would just fall into place. But it never did.” A sob broke free and my head dropped back into my little hiding spot. “I would never have hurt him on purpose.”