His fingers deftly fasten my buttons and he stands behind me in the mirror.
“You are beautiful,” he whispers, his lips on my neck, his hands flattened against my belly.
My belly.
I feel instantly queasy and turn to him, clutching his fingers.
“Phillip, I… I must tell you something.”
He waits and he’s calm, and the words come tumbling out.
“I’m pregnant. It’s yours.”
His smile is immediate and radiant and for just a minute, I entertain the notion that he’ll sweep me out of this room and away from this town and everything will be okay.
But that hope is dashed when he nods.
“That pleases me, ma Cherie. We’ll always be connected by this, my heart.”
His meaning slams into me.
He doesn’t intend to be with me at all.
“But…” I stammer. “I want to be with you. We could be a family. Maybe we could make everything work.”
His look is sympathetic. “You must take care of your mother,” he reminds me. “I cannot do that. I don’t have roots, Livvie. I don’t have a place in the world or means to care for her or for you. Take this chance. Raise our baby to be a Savage. He’ll be esteemed and so will you. I cannot do that for you.”
My heart crumbles into dust and I can’t even cry because I am shocked, so so shocked.
“I thought you loved me,” I say and it comes out as a whimper.
“I do,” he tells me firmly. “In my own way, I do.”
He palms my belly and bends to kiss it. “We’ll have a son,” he announces, as if just touching my belly had given him that knowledge. “Name him Adair, Livvie. It’s a family name.”
“He’ll have your last name,” I say firmly even though Phillip has disappointed me. Even though I feel lost, so lost. “He’ll never be a Savage. I won’t have it.”
“If you must,” Phillip answers, and it is clear that he doesn’t feel as strongly as I do. “Just raise him well, Livvie. I’m sorry I cannot be what you need me to be.”
My heart throbs and he kisses my forehead and then he’s gone and I’m a heap on the floor in the middle of my voluminous white dress.
How will I survive this? How will my heart keep beating?
I don’t know.
After the fitting, after they determine that they do in fact have to take out the bust, I sit with my hands clasped around my stomach. Inside, Phillip’s child grows. If Phillip is gone, his child will give me strength. He’ll be my one true light, my purpose.
When I walk back to Whitley, it is with renewed spirit.
I know what I have to do.
I marry Richard seven days later.
Chapter Four
Richard’s sister Laura comes home from college for the ceremony, and during the reception, she sits by me, clasping my hand within hers.
“You seem so sad, Liv,” she says, her red hair swirling around her shoulders. Laura has always been as beautiful as a wood sprite, so fierce, so fiery.
“I’m not,” I insist, but my voice isn’t convincing and Laura doesn’t believe me, but she doesn’t press it.
“I’m telling my mother soon that I’m leaving England,” she confides, her slender arm wrapping around my shoulder. I’m startled by this and horrified.
“You can’t!” I exclaim. Because short of Mr. Savage, she’s my only ally. She’s the only decent one, and her mother would never allow it.
Laura laughs softly and it’s a tinkling sound. “I’m in love,” she confides. “And to an American! He was on holiday and we met and it’s been wonderful.” Her face clouds over. “But mother will never approve, and Daddy can’t be found.”
She’s right. Mr. Savage isn’t here for the wedding, and Eleanor acts as though nothing is wrong. It’s very strange.
“What will I do without you?” I ask, and even though I try to sound like I’m joking, I’m not and Laura knows it.