And then night fell and she said she was going to drive home, even though it would be a long drive back. “I want to go to sleep in my own bed,” she told them.
Red made her a huge mug of coffee, extra strong, and she took it with her. She hugged Nicole once before leaving—a strong, vice like grip that revealed she still had plenty of strength left, however much she might have aged. “I love you so much,” she whispered into Nicole’s ear.
“I love you too, Mom. Thanks for coming.”
“Bye, darling.” She waved at Red and then she was gone.
“Thank God that’s over with,” Red said, as he closed the door and walked with Nicole towards the stairs to the master bedroom.
“You finally won her over,” Nicole said. “I didn’t think it was possible.”
“I don’t think I won her over. I think she decided she was going to prove that she could like me.”
Nicole smiled. “Yeah, that’s probably true.”
Red put a hand on her lower back. “Are you okay?”
“Not really.”
“I love you, Nicole. And I’m sad too. Not a second goes by that I don’t think of the baby. But she is loved. Isn’t that all anyone wants, at the end of the day—to be loved and remembered?”
“I guess.” Nicole felt the tears in her eyes yet again. “I just wish we’d had a little bit of time with her. I can still feel her, you know?” She pressed a hand to her heart. “I can feel her little soul calling out to me. She wanted to be hugged and held and sang to, and we never got a chance.”
Red’s eyes were wet now. “I know. I know.”
They went upstairs together and climbed into bed, and Red held her in his arms. He was stronger than ever, she realized. He held her close and she smelled his scent, she felt his breath against her hair and her cheek. She was taken care of.
It wasn’t what she wanted right now. Right now, what she wanted was her baby.
But it was enough. It had to be enough.
***
Nicole woke up very early the next morning.
It was just after five a.m. and the idea hit her like a thunderbolt. It was so simple, so perfect. It had to be right.
She put a hand on Red’s shoulder and shook him slightly.
He opened his eyes and lifted his head. “Huh? What is it---are you okay?”
“Yes. I just woke up and I had to tell you something.”
“Okay, I’m listening.” He wiped the sleep from his eyes.
“I want to elope.”
Red turned to face her in the semi-darkness. “You want to elope? Why?”
“I just woke up and it was the first thing I thought. It feels right. I don’t want to worry about guest lists and tablecloths and what food to serve and the venue and sending out the perfect invitations. I just want to be with you.”
He blinked at her. “Are you sure? Because you always said—“
“I know what I said,” she interrupted. “But everything’s different now.”
“Because of the baby?”
“I don’t know. Yes. I suppose so.”
“I think we just need some more time before we make any decisions. You’re in a certain frame of mind right now,” he said tiredly.
“This isn’t just a frame of mind. I want to elope, Red.”
“Of course I’ll do whatever you want. But honestly? I don’t think that’s what you really want, Nicole.”
Now she felt angry with him. She sat up in bed and folded her arms. “What do you mean, it’s not what I really want? You think you know what I want better than I do?”
Red sighed. “No, Nicole. I don’t.”
“Don’t take that tone with me.”
“What tone?”
“Like I’m crazy.”
“Nicole, it’s five a.m. You woke me out of a deep sleep to tell me you want to completely change our wedding plans because of some random thought that popped into your head.”
“It wasn’t some random thought.” She glared at him. “I don’t care about all those other people, Red. I care about me and you.”
Suddenly, he reached across the bed and grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him. “And what do you think I care about?”
His touch, even now in her depressed state, still brought heat to her entire body. She looked into his dark eyes. His curly hair fell across his forehead in that way that she found totally sexy.
But now there was something else, too. She felt angry, she felt wild—she felt unpredictable. In the past, whenever they’d had sex, it was always because of Red that Nicole engaged in the kind of ritualistic game playing that he so enjoyed. Yes, she liked it too, but mostly because of what it did for him.
For the first time, though, Nicole wanted to do it as much or more for herself as she did for Red.
“I don’t know what you care about,” she said. “Maybe you need to show me.”
She looked at him and he looked back at her. In the early morning gloom, she could see the whites of his eyes and the black pits of his pupils and he almost had the look of a wolf about him.
“Don’t ask if you aren’t ready to receive.”
“Who says I’m not ready?”
“Either way,” he growled. “You know what this means.”