Why? Why did they still have this power over me, Clare in particular? Why did I let them?
I sighed, shoved the toothbrush and toothpaste back into my washbag, pushed open the door and padded up the hallway to the bedroom. It was cool and quiet, quite different from the overheated, over-populated living room. I could hear Jarvis Cocker in the background, his voice floating up the open hallway, but the sound muted to just a muffled bassline when I shut the bedroom door and flopped down on the bed. The relief was indescribable. If I shut my eyes I could almost imagine myself back in my little flat in Hackney; only the sound of traffic and honking horns outside was missing.
I wished myself back there, so powerfully that I could almost feel the worn softness of my flowered duvet cover beneath my palm, see the rattan blind that flapped softly at the window on summer nights.
But then there was a knock at the door, and when I opened my eyes, the blank blackness of the forest reflected back at me from the glass wall. I sighed, gearing myself up to answer it, and then the knock came again.
‘Lee?’
I got up and opened the door. It was Flo standing outside, her hands on her hips.
‘Lee! I can’t believe you’re doing this to Clare!’
‘What?’ I felt immensely tired all of a sudden. ‘Doing what? Going to bed?’
‘I’ve gone to loads of effort to make this a perfect weekend for Clare – I’ll kill you if you ruin it on the very first night!’
‘I’m not ruining anything, Flo. You’re the one making this into a big deal, not me. I just want to go to bed. All right?’
‘No, it’s not all right. I won’t have you sabotaging everything I’ve worked for!’
‘I just want to go to bed,’ I repeated, like a mantra.
‘Well, I think you’re being a … a selfish bitch,’ Flo burst out. Her face was red, and she looked as if she was on the verge of tears. ‘Clare’s … Clare’s the best, OK? And she deserves … she deserves—’ Her chin wobbled.
‘Yeah, whatever,’ I said, and before I could think better of it, I shut the door in her face.
For a minute I heard her outside, breathing heavily, and I thought, if she sobs, I’m going to have to go out there and apologise. I can’t sit here and listen to her breaking down outside my door.
But she didn’t. By some huge effort, she got herself together, and went downstairs, leaving me very close to crying myself.
I don’t know when Nina came up, but it was late, very late. I wasn’t asleep, but I was pretending to be, huddled under the duvet with my pillow over my head, as she padded heavily around the room, knocking over tubes of lotion and kicking her suitcase.
‘Are you awake?’ she whispered as she slid into the twin bed next to mine.
I considered ignoring her, but then I sighed and turned over. ‘No. Probably because you’ve knocked over every bottle in the place.’
‘Sorry.’ She huddled down under the sheets, and I saw the glint of her eye as she yawned and blinked tiredly. ‘Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I honestly didn’t …’
‘It’s all right,’ I said wearily. ‘I’m sorry too. I overreacted. I was just tired, and drunk.’ I’d already made up my mind to apologise to Flo in the morning. Whoever was at fault here, it certainly wasn’t her.
‘No, it was me,’ Nina said. She flung onto her back and put her hand over her eyes. ‘I was being my usual shit-stirring self. But, you know, it’s been ten years. I think I could be forgiven for assuming …’ She trailed off. But I knew what she meant. You could be forgiven for thinking a normal person would have got over whatever happened, moved on.
‘I know,’ I said wearily. ‘D’you think I don’t? It’s pathetic.’
‘Nora, what happened? Clearly something did. You don’t act like this over a normal break-up.’
‘Nothing happened. He dumped me. End of.’
‘That’s not what I heard.’ She rolled onto her side again, and I felt her gaze on my face in the darkness. ‘I heard you dumped him.’
‘Well, you heard wrong. He dumped me. By text, if you must know.’
I got rid of the phone soon after. The cheerfully insouciant ‘cheep-cheep’ alert never stopped stinging.
‘OK … but still. Look, I never asked, but did he—’
She stopped. I could hear the cogs in her brain turning, trying to work out how to phrase something tricky. I kept silent. Whatever it was she was thinking, I wasn’t going to help her.
‘Oh fuck it, there’s no way to say this without prying, but I have to say it. He didn’t … he didn’t hit you, did he?’
‘What?’
I wasn’t expecting that.
‘OK, clearly not, sorry.’ Nina turned onto her back. ‘I’m sorry. But honestly, Lee—’
‘Nora.’
‘Sorry! Sorry, Clare’s got me doing it. And you’re right. It doesn’t make any sense. But honestly, though, the way you reacted after you guys split up – you can’t blame people for wondering—’
‘People?’