“Cadet Schafer,” said Commander Woodsinger in a low, serious voice. “Be careful. Only people who are eligible may approach the unicorn.”
“Uh, because we think an animal is obsessed with a ridiculous social construct of purity based on who’s been touched where with what, as if people’s moral worth depends on what basically amounts to a game of Clue?” Elliot said. “Sure it is. Give me a break.”
He took another step. The unicorn charged.
Elliot ran, and Commander Woodsinger ran with him. Their troop scattered madly in every direction. Elliot ran for another tree, feeling the unicorn’s hot breath on his back. He grabbed at a low-hanging branch, pulled himself up, and then leaned down and looped his arm around Commander Woodsinger’s waist, lifting her off her feet.
If she hadn’t got hold of the branch and helped haul herself up, he might have dropped her on the creature. Accidentally impaling your commander on a unicorn was bound to lead to expulsion.
“Well lifted, Cadet,” said the commander in a tone of faint surprise.
“Thanks,” said Elliot. “Mean bullies make me exercise.”
He looked down at the unicorn. He saw, suddenly, that it wasn’t as lovely as he had thought at first. Its shiny horn was too sharp, and its eyes were red with the light of murder. It was the Venus flytrap of pretty ponies.
“I think your censorious attitude is absurd,” Elliot told it. “And frankly, it’s creepy to be obsessed with other people’s sex lives.”
The unicorn lowered its head, charged, and rammed the tree. Its horn plunged into the bark and was then withdrawn. The leaves all shook as if they were in a storm, and the trunk shuddered as if it had been struck by lightning.
“Cadet Schafer! Kindly stop antagonising the unicorn!”
“Don’t worry!” said Serene from the trees. “All of these young blushing men are unmarried, so I am certain a great many of them are pure!”
There was a long silence. Embarrassment reigned among the trees.
“How about you, Dale?” Elliot asked, desperate.
“Um—afraid I can’t help you,” Dale muttered. “I met this guy, Adam Sunborn, when we were sent to aid the patrol on the Northern border . . .”
“Adam Sunborn!” Elliot exclaimed. “How could you, Dale? He is the worst!”
“He’s not the worst! He’s a Sunborn!” Dale exclaimed, shocked in return. “And it’s not—it’s not as if there’s a huge amount of choice in the Border guard, if you like guys.”
Elliot shook his head sadly, making the leaves rustle around him. “You can do so much better.”
“Uh—thanks, Elliot!” Dale sounded gratified. After a pause, he ventured: “Commander, are you not . . . eligi—”
“I am forty-eight years old!” snapped Commander Woodsinger. “Ladies have needs, Cadet.”
“Not everybody wants to indulge in carnal passions at all,” said Serene. “Take the sisters of the greenwood, who consider themselves married to the trees. Obviously there are no people dedicated to chastity and guarding the beautiful flower of their manhood in this company, however.”
Elliot breathed out hard through his nose. He looked up at the rippling green canopy of the trees, and down at the enraged beast below. It pawed the ground, ripping out chunks of earth beneath its cloven hoof, and the sunlight shining through the trees lent a disturbing glitter to the point of its horn. Elliot looked hastily away.
“I didn’t want it to come to this,” he informed the leaves. “But could somebody fetch Luke?”
“Cadet Schafer, I’m fairly certain that’s not going to help,” said Commander Woodsinger. “I mean this in the most impersonal and professional way possible, but have you seen Luke Sunborn?”
“Yes,” Elliot said irritably. “Believe me, I don’t get it either. He doesn’t want to do the human equivalent of dedicating himself to the trees and never getting some, because he told me he had a crush on Dale Wavechaser. I have a theory he’s repressed as an act of rebellion against his family. I also have this scheme to shut him and Dale up in a cupboard. I admit, it’s not a terribly sophisticated scheme. It needs refining.”
The unicorn headbutted the tree even more vehemently. Everyone was a critic.
The commander took a deep breath. “Are you quite sure about Luke Sunborn’s current state of virtue?”
“Quite sure.”
The commander raised her voice. “Could the cadet farthest away from the unicorn descend and request Cadet Sunborn to make his way to this section of the woods!”
The unicorn charged once more. From the heart of the tree came an alarming cracking sound.
“Extremely quickly,” the commander added.
It felt like a long time until Luke arrived, even though he came running and out of breath, and Elliot had more reason than anybody to know how fast Luke was.
Luke did not immediately dart to the rescue, though. Instead, when he saw the unicorn, he stopped moving altogether.
“Ah, Cadet Sunborn,” said Commander Woodsinger, with amazing aplomb for a woman stuck up a tree. “Thank you for your promptness. Cadet Schafer informed me that you might be possessed of the necessary qualities to deal with this situation.”
“Did he,” Luke said, after a long, dark pause in which apparently all the blood in his body rushed to his ears. They were practically purple.
Elliot grinned and gave him a thumbs-up. The horror on Luke’s face only deepened.
“If you would, Cadet,” said the commander.
Luke advanced on the unicorn. He took his time about it. Elliot thought it was frankly reprehensible that he was dragging his feet when there were lives at stake.
“Chop chop,” he called out.
“Shut up,” Luke ordered.
He edged closer to the unicorn. The unicorn had stopped ramming the tree. The animal was now cropping the grass in what Elliot found to be rather a coy manner. Its shining flanks heaved with another breath, like the movement of living pearl. Luke took one last step, and then rested his hand against the unicorn’s softly glowing side.
The unicorn did not turn and make Luke an instant victim of horn-based savagery. Elliot let out a breath in unison with Commander Woodsinger. Even the trees seemed to sigh relief.
The unicorn turned, and Elliot sucked his breath back in, but the unicorn seemed to wish only to rest its chin against Luke’s shoulder.
“Oooh, it likes you,” Elliot said.
“Shut up now and shut up forever,” said Luke.
“Cuddling with the unicorn is not a productive way to spend your time,” Commander Woodsinger observed, while Elliot snickered and Luke looked cruelly betrayed by the universe at large. “Can you manage to lead the unicorn away?”
“I can try,” Luke said in the hollow tones of one who had nothing but his duty left. He tugged at the unicorn’s mane. The unicorn lipped softly at his cheek. Elliot worried about an accidental affectionate skull impaling. “It’s not working,” Luke said, his voice taking on an edge of panic.
“I know what to do!” Elliot exclaimed. “In books, the virtuous maiden plucks a single golden hair from her head and leads the unicorn as if on a leash.”