“No,” Dary replied at the same time Abbi said, “Yes.”
Abbi elaborated a second later. “You haven’t wanted to do anything with us for months, so I’m figuring there’s a reason.”
“That’s not entirely true,” Dary stated gently.
“Maybe for you, but I’ve barely seen anything of her.” Abbi slurped down a mouthful of smoothie.
“Okay.” I held up my hand. “I deserve that. I haven’t been a good friend in the last couple of months. I know that. That’s why I wanted to talk to both of you today. I...I wanted to talk about the accident. About what happened that night.”
Dary dropped her arm onto the table. “You don’t have to.” Twisting toward me, her eyes were already shining. “We don’t have to do this.”
“But I do.” My gaze found Abbi’s. “I need to get this off my chest.”
And then I did.
I told them what I had told Sebastian, and it was easier simply because this was the third time I rewound that night, and it was less painful to bring myself back to that place. But it wasn’t easier to look Abbi or Dary in the eye. I made myself do it, because Abbi already knew the truth and Dary might’ve also suspected it, but I took that bitter weight of silence and I laid it out on the table between us, hoping that they would understand where my head had been since the accident but never once expecting forgiveness or acceptance.
As I spoke, Dary had pushed her glasses up and had covered her face, and I felt her shoulders tremble every so often. Continuing when I knew it was getting to her was like walking on heated shattered glass.
“I’ve been trying to work through all of that,” I finished, feeling sapped of energy. “And I know me dealing with my guilt isn’t a justification for shutting you guys out, and I...I don’t even expect you guys to be okay with it. I just needed to be honest.”
Abbi wasn’t looking at me. She’d stopped when I got to the part about asking Cody if he was okay to drive. She was fiddling with the straw, her lips pressed together.
My throat burned. “I’m just so sorry. It’s all I can say. I know it doesn’t change anything, doesn’t rewrite what has happened, but I’m so sorry.”
Dary lowered her hands. Her eyes glistened. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything,” I said, feeling shaky.
She wiped at her cheeks. “You know, I suspected this. I mean, I knew you didn’t drink a lot, and I’ve always wondered why you weren’t the one who was driving, but I... It sucks to be in that situation. To not want to piss everyone off but do the right thing.”
Abbi remained quiet.
“I should’ve done the right thing,” I said.
Dary’s breath shuddered out of her. “Yeah, you should’ve.”
Sitting back, I dropped my hands in my lap. What could I say beyond that? Beyond the truth? I’d known going into this that I might lose Dary, like I was sure I’d lost Abbi.
Then Abbi finally spoke. “You made...a mistake. A big freaking mistake,” she said, still staring at the bright yellow drink. “But that was all you did. You made a mistake.”
My breath caught. What I felt I couldn’t quite describe. It wasn’t exactly absolution, but it was something powerful.
Dary looked at me, her cheeks damp. She didn’t say anything, but a moment passed, and she leaned over, resting her head on my shoulder. A tremor coursed through me, threatening to take over.
“Okay,” Dary said hoarsely. “All right. So, I would like some french fries right now, and this place doesn’t sell them.”
A watery laugh escaped me. “French fries sound perfect.”
Abbi shook her head, causing the two thick braids to swing at the sides of her neck. “You just drank an entire smoothie and you want fries?”
“I need salt right now. I need tons of salt.”
Abbi rolled her eyes.
“You know,” Dary said, lifting her head off my shoulder, “I still love you. I just want you to know that.”
Tears raced up my throat and I beat them back but didn’t trust myself to talk, so all I could do was nod.
The subject at the table changed, and by the time we walked out of the smoothie shop, it was almost normal. Almost like it was before.
But I still needed to talk to Abbi one-on-one before they searched down the fries.
I stopped by my car. “Abbi, can you hold on a second.”
Waving goodbye to Dary, she twisted around and faced me. Like when we were inside, some of that wall was down. Not a lot. But some.
“I know things are still weird between us, but I wanted to ask you about your parents. How is everything with them?”
Abbi opened her mouth and I braced myself for a snarky or snide response, but she said, “Mom hasn’t been ‘working late.’” Added air quotations with the last part. “And they’re not arguing nearly as much anymore. I don’t know if she’s admitted to something or not, but I guess they’re trying to make it work.”
I leaned back against my car. “That’s good, right?”
“Yeah. I guess so. At least we don’t have to listen to them try not to kill each other.” She knocked a braid back over her shoulder.
“I’m glad to hear that. Really.”
She nodded again and then took a deep breath. “I need to tell you something, okay?”
I tensed. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry about what I said to you about riding with Chris when he’d been drinking and it not being the same. I know it was, and you were right... I just got lucky.” She swallowed hard. “And I really am sorry for saying that to you. I shouldn’t have.”
I briefly closed my eyes tight. “It’s okay,” I said, because it was.
“I...wasn’t mad about you getting in that car. I mean, I was mad. I think anyone would be mad at first. But what pissed me off was the fact you shut me out. You shut all of us out.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I did.”
“Do you have any idea how that made us feel? I didn’t know how to help you. You wouldn’t let me or anyone else in to even try to figure it out, and that’s what really made me angry. I lost Megan, and it felt like I lost you, too.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. I just—”
“I get it. Your head wasn’t in the right place, and I...I should’ve done what Dary did. Given you space. Given you time.” She dipped her chin. “So I am sorry for that.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” I stepped toward her. “I don’t want any more apologies. I just want things to be...to be okay between us.”
“Me, too.” Abbi then popped forward and hugged me. It was quick, not like they used to be, but it was better than nothing and it was a start. She stepped back. “I have to get going, but I’ll text you later and you’ll answer, right?”
“Right.”
Abbi gave me a quick smile and then she was walking away, and I kind of wanted to cry. But these tears would’ve been so different from the ones from before.
So different.
*
Wednesday evening Sebastian was sitting on the bed, listening while I told him what had gone down that afternoon with Abbi and Dary, and then I told him what Dr. Perry wanted me to do.
“It’s been a big week or so for you,” he said when I finished.