“Maybe later. I’m still really tired from the pain pill.” But there won’t be a later. I can’t cut myself open like that for him because there’s nothing that will stop the blood gushing from the wound. Declan’s ability to connect me with my emotions scares the shit out of me. There’s too much to feel. There’s too much termagant despair inside me. I need it to go away and disappear so I can find relief.
I’m in the arms of the man I love, the man I was so desperate to have again, and here he is. Flesh on flesh—every part of me touching every part of him, and here I am—scared and closed off. He’s wrapped around me, and I should be content, but in this moment, I crave another man’s arms. It’s Pike I wish I had right now. He’s the only one who can numb me.
He’s safety.
He’s constant.
He’s my painkiller.
“You’ll rest better if you get your thoughts out,” he suggests.
Leaning forward, breaking the contact, I lie, “I’m really tired. Can you help me back to bed?”
“Don’t shut me out, Elizabeth.”
“I’m not. It’s just the tub is uncomfortable, and I really am exhausted and not feeling well.”
I hate lying to him when I swore to him and to myself that I never would, but the alternative is unbearable to even think about. It’s best for the both of us if I don’t go down that road.
Declan dries me off, brushes my teeth, and dresses me. I give him these things because he needs them. I know him well enough to see that he needs his hands on me, to control and take care. He’s always needed that, and I can’t even imagine what these past few days have done to him with not knowing where I was and having that authority taken away by another man.
After he applies the ointment to my cuts, he grabs the prescription bottle and shakes out a pill.
“Here,” he says, holding the mood stabilizer that was prescribed to me by the doctor who examined me the first night I arrived here.
It’s the pill I’ve been tossing in the toilet because I don’t want to lose Pike, and that pill will vanish him from me. I can’t say goodbye though. I don’t want to. I need him. His smell, his voice, his presence. I’m not willing to let him go.
I take the pill from his hand, and when he gives me a glass of water, I cheek it instead of swallowing.
Another lie.
Another deception I swore I’d no longer partake in.
Another broken promise.
“Good girl.”
He walks me back to the bedroom and helps me get into bed.
“I’m going to run downstairs to get something to drink. Are you thirsty?”
I nod my head and watch him as he strides out of the room. When I hear the creaking on the stairs beneath his feet, I spit out the pill. Being in too much pain to get out of bed to flush it down the toilet, I shove it into my pillowcase until I can throw it away. When he returns, he slips under the covers beside me and pulls me into his arms.
“By the way, Lachlan’s going to be staying here,” he tells me. “I want security, and with all that he’s already seen, he’s the only one I trust.”
“Okay.”
“Are you comfortable with that?”
“Yes,” I respond. “From the time I’ve spent with him, I’ve come to like him.”
“While you were sleeping, I spoke with him about your father. He’s working on getting information.”
I nod my head against his chest, unable to speak through my tightening throat. I’m sure Declan feels my body tensing up when he bands his arms a little more strongly around me. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply as he kisses the top of my head.
“I know it’s upsetting, but I want to be transparent with you about all of this, okay?”
“You don’t think I’m crazy, do you?”
He combs my hair back with his fingers, and I look up at him when he says, “No, darling, I don’t. Lachlan was able to retrieve an old photo of your father, and it’s the same man from the news.”
Declan’s face blurs, and I quickly close my eyes before the tears fall. I can’t think about this. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt, so I focus on armoring myself against all that threatens to completely eviscerate me.
“You’re stronger than your emotions,” I hear Pike tell me, the timbre of his voice providing me with the strength I need to take control of my heart.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.”
“There’s something else I need to talk to you about.”
“What’s that?”
“When I was in London, I hired an architecture firm for the new property. Meetings start next week, so you’re coming with me.”
“London?” I question, pushing myself to sit up. “For how long?”
“For the duration of the build . . . a few years.”
“I . . . um . . .” I stammer, unsure of what to say. Then, the realization that I have nowhere else to go hits me, and it all becomes so terrifying. If somehow I lost Declan again, that would be it for me. He is the only person I have, and without him, I wouldn’t know where to go. Even though I’m now aware that my father is out there somewhere, it’s heartbreakingly clear that he doesn’t want me, or else he’d have come for me.
“You don’t want to go to London?” he questions.
“No, it isn’t that. It’s just . . . I don’t really know.”