“Block two,” he murmurs as he pulls out of the parking space and drives through the cemetery. I look at the gray headstones as we pass them, and before I know it, he’s pulling the car along the edge of the grass.
“This is it,” he says, turning the car off.
I look out the window and choke up, knowing that somewhere among all these gravestones is my brother. And he’s all alone. I battle between not wanting to get out of this car and jumping out of this car to run to him. I’m so scared to see the evidence of what I’ve done.
Tears spill down my cheeks effortlessly, and Declan reaches his arm over to console me.
“This is all my fault,” I strain out on a hoarse voice filled with anguish.
I turn to face Declan, and he doesn’t say a word. I know what he’s thinking; it’s the same thing I’m thinking. No one can argue that this is very much my fault, and Declan isn’t a man who will lie to comfort. We both know my part in all of this, and it makes it so much worse when there’s no truth out there that can take away any amount of my responsibility.
“Do you want me to come with you?” he asks, and I nod because I know I can’t do this alone.
We get out of the car, and he grabs the flowers from the trunk, placing them in my arms. With his arm wrapped around my shoulder, he leads the way. We walk around, looking at the names on the grave markers as my tears drip into the mass of daisies.
We wander for what feels like hours, but is probably only a minute before Declan stops.
“Elizabeth.”
I look up at him and he tilts his head over to a flat stone, and when I see it, I gasp in horror. “Oh, my God.”
And there it is.
His beautiful name engraved in stone, marking his death.
I step in front of it, my body shuddering in tormenting pain. Every dagger I’ve ever thrown coming right back to stab me in my chest, and Declan has to step behind me with both of his hands gripping my shoulders.
“How could I have done this?” I cry and then fall to my knees and out of Declan’s hands as I clutch the flowers to my chest. “He was my best friend, Declan.”
“I know,” his tender voice consoles as he now sits behind me.
I lay the flowers on the grass beside me and lean forward on my knees, bracing my hands on top of his name. “I’m so sorry, Pike. I should’ve just killed myself.” My words lose themselves within my agonizing sobs and falter when I can’t focus on anything aside from the debilitating guilt and remorse. “It should’ve been me! It should’ve been me!” I wail repeatedly.
Declan reaches around my waist and pulls me away, off my knees and onto my bottom, and I fall back into him. I grab ahold of his arms crossing over my chest, and dig my nails into them as I sob, wishing I would’ve shot myself that day.
“He didn’t deserve to die.”
“Shh,” Declan breathes in my ear. “I know, baby. I know.”
“It should’ve been me,” I keep saying as Declan continues to hush and console me.
His hold on me is merciless as I allow every emotion to swallow me up, and when it finally relents and spits me out, I’m utterly spent. The dipping sun measures the hours we’ve been here. My body aches as I move to sit up on my own, and when I turn back to look at Declan, I notice his bloodshot eyes. He’s been crying with me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, my throat dry and scratchy.
“Don’t be. You needed to get that out. You hold so much inside of you.”
“I’m a horrible person.”
“You’re not,” he tells me. “You made horrible choices, but you’re not a horrible person.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Maybe not today, but one day you will. I’m going to make you believe me.”
He stands and reaches down to me, helping me up. When I’m steady on my feet, I turn and scoot the flowers to rest over where Pike lies. I take a moment, drained of all my tears, not to say goodbye, but to pay respect to the most selfless person I’ve ever known.
TIME FREEZES, AND yet, the sun rises and the sun sets, only to rise once again.
I woke yesterday but was unable to get out of bed. Too much guilt. Too much sorrow in a world filled with regrets. So, I hid under the covers and slept, and woke, and slept. Declan checked on me throughout the day, allowing me to wallow in the misery of my wrongdoings. He ordered food from the kitchen, but I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t risk feeding the pain for fear it would devour me fully.
Emptiness is my companion as I stand here and stare out the window up into the blue sky. It’s been two days since I faced Pike’s resting place, and although I haven’t seen him or heard his voice, I’ve felt his arms around me ever since.
“You’re up,” Declan says when he walks into the room, dressed down in dark denim and a plain cotton T-shirt. “How are you feeling?”
“Numb.”
He walks over to me, saying, “I’m going to make you feel something today,” before kissing me. “Get dressed.”
“What are we doing?”