“And don’t you think that the stuff you said to her about her life—again, while delivered in a way designed to inflict the most hurt—still hit closer to home than she is comfortable with? I’ve said it before, you are asking a lot of her with the Shawn thing, and while I think you are within your rights to ask, it is too much to just expect it to be easy for her.”
“Maybe. I don’t know what to do, T. I really don’t. I get that me and Shawn is a hard thing for her to get her head around, I do, but I’m not giving him up. And I’m not going to marginalize him in my life to manage her sensitive feelings. If she really thinks all those things about me, why would she want to be my friend? If she really thinks that about me, then why do I want her in my life? I’m sorry, I know that puts you in a terrible position, and I don’t want to put you in the middle, but I can’t see my way around it.”
“Good Lord, woman, I’ve been the peacemaker between you two for our whole lives. Don’t worry about me in the middle, worry about the two of you back together.”
“Why? At this point, really? Why?”
“Because, like it or not, you guys are connected long and deep. And back in the day, when you got quiet or she got prickly, I’d tell you that you were amazing. I would tell her that she was amazing. And you know what? I was right on both accounts. You are both amazing. And you are both flawed and fucked up, the way everyone is flawed and fucked up. But you’re better with each other than without. Because she pushes you to expect more of yourself and get out of your comfort zone, and you push her to be softer and less surface.”
“God, have you been talking to my aunt Claire? She said it’s important for me to have Lynne in my life too, not in spite of it being difficult, but in some ways because it is difficult.”
“Your aunt is right.”
“I don’t know how to move on from here, though, after what we both said.”
“Let it lie for a day or so. I’ll figure something out.”
“Are you a miracle worker now?”
“Wasn’t I always?”
“Absolutely. For what it’s worth, I have never had a moment’s doubt about how amazing it is to have you back in my life, not since the first moment I spotted you at the memorial.”
“Me either.”
“Good.” I check my watch. “I should get home before traffic is insane.”
“And before Shawn gets there?” She winks.
“Nope, he’s out with the boys tonight. I’ve got a date with Netflix and Simca, but he might stop by later.”
“Are you going to tell him?” she asks.
I think about this for a minute. “Yes, I am. I know that he will be angry with Lynne, but at the end of the day, he is my boyfriend and I want to be completely honest with him about what is going on in my life. I don’t want to hide things just because it isn’t completely comfortable.”
“Good. That is the right answer.”
“Thanks, Teresa, I appreciate everything so much.”
“Hey, it’s taken me a lifetime to train you idiots to be my friends, I’m not letting all my hard work go to waste.”
I laugh, and receive the hug she gives me with a heart that is the tiniest bit less heavy than when I arrived.
? ? ?
Simca’s happy bark wakes me from my accidental nap on the couch. After the day I had, I ordered a pizza, washed it down with half a bottle of red, and finished up with a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream. Between the heavy food and the heavy day, I conked out before the end of my first episode of The Missing.
“Hello, Sleeping Beauty,” Shawn says, leaning down to kiss me. “Naughty pup, waking your mommy.”
“Hey,” I say groggily. I love that he can just let himself in. “How was boys’ night?”
“Good. Dry martinis, bloody steaks, lots of friendly ballbusting. They all want to meet you. Dave is still in town for a few days—you up for dinner? Maybe tomorrow?”
“Of course. Any friend of yours.”
He smooches me again. “Wonderful. And how was your day?”
I think about this for a minute. “Hard.”
He sits on the couch next to me, pulls my legs up into his lap, and starts massaging my feet. “Tell me about it.”
“Okay, I’m going to, but you have to promise to wait till I’m all the way done before you say anything.”
“Hmmm. Sounds serious. I’ll put on my good listening hat.”
I tell him about the fight with Lynne. And about what Teresa said. I tell him about the parts of what Lynne said that I fear are more than a little true, and where that comes from. He listened, never stopped rubbing my feet, and didn’t make any faces or comments. He let me get it all out, and when the tears came, he just handed me a Kleenex. When I was done, he pulled me into his arms and held me close.
“My poor sweet baby, I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
I sniffle into his shirt. “You don’t think she’s right?”
“Despite what she might tell you, Lynne is not always right. And while I don’t see any of the things that she sees or that you fear, that doesn’t make what happened today any easier.”
“You don’t seem very angry.”
He laughs. “Oh, no, baby, I’m mad as hell. If that woman were in this room right now, I’d give her a piece of my mind that would make what you said to her sound like high praise. But I promised you that I wasn’t going to let my history with her come between us, or between you two, and I intend to stick to that, no matter what.” He pauses. “Look, El. It’s easy to portray an ex as a villain. I’ve relied on that impression, maybe a bit too much, where she is concerned. But it takes two to tango, and I know that more than a little of her anger and lashing out at you is because of me. Of who I was then, of the part I played in our marriage failing.”
Shawn has never really talked about this, and I want to hear it, so I don’t speak, hoping he will just continue. And he does.
“I’m a people pleaser, El. Always have been. I liked being teacher’s pet, mama’s boy, coach’s favorite. It’s taken me more than a little therapy to recognize that in the process of wanting to make other people happy, I can sometimes gloss over my own needs or desires. I was always the ‘go along to get along’ guy—we’ll eat at the place you want to eat, see the movie you want to see, be the couple you want us to be.”
This makes my stomach knot up, because to a certain extent, it validates Lynne’s impression that he wasn’t his true self until after they were married. And it makes me question who he is with me. What is real and what might be an act? What can I trust?
“I want you to know that I’m not that guy anymore. I try very hard to own my thoughts and feelings and opinions, and trust that the people in my life can handle it if we aren’t one hundred percent aligned on every damn thing.”