“No seizures, but we didn’t expect any. They’re going to monitor him again tonight, and take some readings. The doctor said he’ll know more after they run some tests. They’ll call me in a few weeks, and maybe Dylan will qualify for a trial, some drug that’s supposed to hold off the seizures, maybe make him hurt a little less,” she says.
I nod again, then let my eyes move from her to the sleeping boy between us. I spend minutes watching him breathe. Eventually, two nurses come in and begin to fill vials with his blood. Dylan sleeps through the entire thing. I wait for them to finish before stretching out my legs and pulling my phone from my pocket. I felt it buzz while they were working, and my pulse has been racing excitedly ever since. When I see Maddy’s name, my mouth forms its automatic reaction, my lip curled higher on the right, my cheeks round like a boy who has just been told he’s getting everything he wants for Christmas.
MADDY: I’m awake. If it’s not too far, I’ll cab it to the hospital. Maybe bring you and Tanya some real food?
“You’re in love with her, right?”
I close my eyes and let my phone fall with my hands to my lap, but my smile doesn’t waver. I open my gaze on Tanya, and she’s smirking at me. She nods with a slight laugh.
“It was painfully obvious the moment you introduced her to me,” she chuckles. “You can’t make eye contact with anybody or anything else when Maddy’s in the room.”
“That bad, huh?” I don’t argue, and it feels good to share this with someone.
“Pretty bad, Will,” she says, her head falling to one side and her eyes staying on mine. She studies me for a few seconds, and I grow warm under her gaze.
“What?” I finally ask, shifting in my seat and giving my attention to my phone in the brief pause before she answers. I type quickly, keeping the screen just out of Tanya’s view.
ME: Please come. Forget the food. I’m making Tanya nap.
“She was around for the accident. She’s known you for a while, yeah?” she asks. I hold her stare, and for a second I wonder if she’s put this together completely. I finally give her a small nod confirming her question. I feel a sick rush hit my gut, but just as I always do, I pretend. Her life…it’s hard enough, and Maddy agreed.
“She was around us both a lot, and they went to the same school,” I say, guilt slamming into me from all directions because of how Maddy fits into Tanya’s broken puzzle.
My phone buzzes again, and this time I don’t even hide how excited I am to get a message from Maddy. It’s a small heart image. It’s stupid and childish, and I fucking love it.
“She loves you, too,” Tanya says, breaking me from my momentary giddiness. I glance up and our eyes lock. All I can do is give her a crooked smile, and hope like hell she’s right. “I like her, Will. I like you liking her.”
I look back down to the phone in my palms, to the stupid heart—pink and cartoonish. I breathe out a short laugh and nod my head.
“Thanks,” I say.
Maddy ended up bringing food anyhow, and after we all scarfed down burgers and fries, she insisted Tanya head to the hotel for a little while to shower and get some sleep. Exhausted doesn’t even begin to describe her state, so she didn’t argue, and I was glad. Maddy and I stayed with Dylan, and Tanya was back after a few hours, refreshed, but still not quite whole. She may never be whole, but she fakes it pretty damn well.
We all ended up staying in the hospital the second night. When Dylan had a seizure, Maddy refused to leave Tanya alone. I tried to explain that those weren’t anything new for him, that Tanya was used to them, but Maddy was running on adrenaline, and I know that sometimes it’s just better to let her win.
The exhausting marathon day and night has left everyone spent, and while I work to stave off the onset of a panic attack as I lay down on four seats by our airport gate, I worry that I’m really going to have to survive this trip alone. Maddy hasn’t let go of my hand once—clinging to my fingers during the drive and through every second of check-in, parting only for security—and only long enough to pass through the X-Ray machine one at a time. Her hand is in mine now, but there’s no strength in her grip. Her head is leaned the opposite way, her cheek smooshed against her fist, her body one nudge away from toppling over completely.
My heart is racing, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the flight or her. The woman at the gate begins to deliver garbled instructions, and I listen just well enough to recognize that we should be called to board in about five minutes. I swing my feet around, but don’t let go of Maddy’s hand. She startles, rubbing her face and looking at me, then she gives me a smile and snuggles in against my arm, her other hand hugging over my chest.
My heart is still racing. I am terrified. If this plane falls from the sky, I’ll lose her. I won’t know. She won’t know. We will never be. That…is what terrifies me.