“I could really use a friend again,” I say. “Can we be that?”
Wade nods. “Yeah, we can be friends.”
“I’m so sorry, Wade.”
So much guilt and anxiety has surrounded my evolving relationship with Wade that restricting ourselves to just friends feels like a disservice. It’s something we both thought we had a shot at turning into more. But this is what will save us in the long run.
I tell him about California, leaving out all mentions of having sex with Jackson and the role I played in your death. I want him to know how we paid tribute to you, and I want to preserve who you were for everyone else. No one else needs to spend the rest of his life second-guessing how much they actually meant to you.
“I’m proud of you for making it to the beach,” Wade says. “Both of you.”
It wasn’t easy. I couldn’t admit it before because you were listening, but I really, really wanted Wade there with me and Jackson. He would’ve fought the ocean too. Thinking about it, I can’t handle his compliment.
“I’m no longer talking to Jackson. We were a support system for each other for a while, but I think that was stupid and unhealthy. I should’ve been here with you and dealing with Theo instead of investigating more into his life with someone else. I’m sorry. Again.” A second apology. An even number.
“Let’s do that then,” Wade says.
“Really?”
“Maybe you’re Theo’d out, but I miss the guy.”
Exchanging Theo stories is so exhausting—both good and bad—I wish I could crawl into bed beside Wade right now and fall asleep against his chest. But my dad is texting, telling me to come home before it gets darker, which is probably for the best because if I spend any more time here, I won’t be able to stop myself from making a move on Wade.
“I got to go,” I say, putting away my phone.
“You’re not going to vanish on me again, right?”
“No.” I hope I won’t, at least.
“I’m thinking about visiting Denise and Theo’s parents this week. You should tag along,” Wade says. “I’m sure they could go for seeing some friendly faces this month.”
“I’m not sure we should really be going to Theo’s house together,” I say.
“Why not? Griffin, you didn’t cheat on Theo. Theo was dating Jackson and you were single. We did nothing wrong,” Wade says. “Besides, we’re just friends.”
I want to hug him but resist. “Call me tomorrow and we’ll figure out a day. See you, Wade.”
He walks me out and something as simple as turning around when I step out the door feels like I’ve punched my own face. Back when he and I were just friends, I could tell him I’ll see him later, get in the elevator, and go home without thinking about him for the rest of the day. Then he and I started hooking up, and there were times I couldn’t even face him whenever I left his house. Then once—once—I actually turned around and kissed him at the door, guilt-free and excited for the next time I would get to see him.
Now I don’t know what’s appropriate. Wade is probably thinking the same thing, too, except he doesn’t wait for me to decide and gives me a head nod when closing the door. This universe I’m stuck in gets worse and worse: all this history, and I can’t possibly have a future with this guy any more than I can have one with you.
Monday, December 19th, 2016
Wade and I are on Denise duty.
Ellen and Russell are about to run out to get their Christmas shopping done. Your parents not already having those presents wrapped and locked away in the chest at the foot of their bed is a big deal, though Denise is too young to realize this—but thankfully smart enough to know what’s good about this Santa business because I’m sure Wade and I are bound to slip.
Your parents are looking better. Russell is clean-shaven but still smells of cigarettes, and I really hope to find a patch on his arm sometime in the near future. Ellen looks tired, understandably, and the gray in her blond hair has gone untouched, but she doesn’t seem defeated.
“It’s lovely to see you both, really,” Ellen says, and I believe her. “Thanks for taking Jackson in, Griffin. He’s family like you two, but hosting anyone during that time required fuel I didn’t have. We’re relaxing back to that point where we can trust our emotions a little better, I think.”
“No worries,” I say. She has no idea the role he played in her only son’s death. The role I played in your death. I don’t deserve to be here or anywhere near her family again. I’m sharp, I’m poison, I’m suffocation, and I’m fire. But going forward, I can be more careful with those around me. “Did the box with Theo’s things arrive okay?”
Ellen nods. “Thank you for sorting through that with Jackson. Your love for Theo means more than I can find words for.”
“No words necessary.”