But what way would hurt her less?
“I’ve killed, Hailey.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve killed and hurt. I’ve watched the life drain out of someone’s eyes because I was ordered to. Because if I didn’t, they’d kill my men or me. I didn’t want to, never did, but I did it anyway.”
She pressed her lips together. “I figured you had, Sloane. That doesn’t change what I think of you.”
“It should, damn it.” He paced, running a hand over his head. Hair was just starting to scrape his palm and he knew he needed to shave again. That didn’t matter, though. The only thing that mattered was making sure Hailey understood what he was saying, understood why he’d left her standing on the street like he had.
“I’m dirty, Hailey. I have blood on my hands that I’ll never wash off. No matter how many times I told the shrinks after I got out, they didn’t understand. The only ones that do are the ones that were over there with me.” He stopped pacing and met her gaze. “But out of all the men I went over there with, the only one that came back was Jason. And you saw him. He’s what I should be.”
“Don’t say that. You know you’re not supposed to be that shadow.”
He shook his head and let out a shout. “I damn well should. I lost everyone but Jason over there, and fuck it, I lost Jason there, too. He didn’t come back whole, no one did, but for some reason I came back with more than I should. How could I? That roadside bomb wiped out my unit. Fucking burned them to a crisp and I was forced to listen to it, to watch it. I almost bled out and burned with them, but I didn’t. Instead, I have to walk in this world every damn day knowing I’m not good enough. No matter what I do, I’ll never be worth it. I’ll have never earned my life. Jason didn’t die that day either, yet he left more on the field than I did.”
“Sloane.” Tears slid down her cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away like he normally would have. If he did, he’d break, and he was already shattered as it was.
“Yes, I have PTSD. That doesn’t go away with the love of a good woman, with the ability to see that I have it. It’s never going to go away, Hailey. I might be able to look like I’m normal on most days, but sometimes I’m going to freak the fuck out. Sometimes I’m going to have nightmares. Sometimes I’m not going to be okay. How is that good enough for you? How can you stand to be with me knowing I’m not whole? I came home. Others didn’t. My friends had to die for me to be able to stand here in front of you. They were the ones that didn’t make it and yet because they died, I lived. I was able to make it out and yet their families will never know how much they meant to me.”
She choked out a sob. “I’m not normal, Sloane. I’m sure as hell not whole. You said yourself I was more than my scars, and yet you don’t think you are as well? Scars aren’t just the ones on our skin, aren’t just what we can see when we look in the mirror. I know I have them inside, on my heart, on my soul. I know you have them, too. And I’m fine with it. I love the man in front of me, scars and all. Can’t you love him, too?”
“I’ll taint you,” he whispered.
“You can’t, Sloane. Just love me. Love is enough to get us started. We can talk to someone if we need to, but love is enough. It doesn’t heal all wounds, doesn’t make the past go away. It doesn’t heal our scars, doesn’t erase the pain, but it does make it worth it. With you, I know I’m okay. I know I’m loved. Even if you haven’t said it.”
He let out a breath then stepped toward her. She cupped his face with one hand, the other on the blanket before he cupped her face instead. When she wiped the tears from his face he hadn’t known had fallen, he closed his eyes.
“I love you, Hailey. I love all of you, every breath of you, every ounce of your soul. But I’m not worthy of you.”
“You’re a fool, but I love you, too, Sloane. And you don’t get to decide if you’re worthy of me. That’s not how love works. You don’t get to walk away from me, leave me bleeding and in agony because you’re afraid to hurt me. You hurt me anyway, trying to protect me, and I’m not going to let you do that again. You hear me? If you want to leave me, then you do it without lying to me. You do it by saying you don’t love me and you don’t want me.”
He opened his eyes and cursed. “I love you, Hailey. I just damn well said it. Of course, I want you. I can’t breathe with wanting you.”
“Then let that be enough. We can do anything, Sloane. But we have to be together to persevere. You’re a good man, Sloane Gordon. I saw you with Jason. I saw you try to help and know you could only do so much. Don’t become him, Sloane. Help him, but don’t let his pain take away what you have. Don’t fade into the shadows because you feel you should. Step into the light because of those you lost. Show them that their loss was worth it. Show the world that you made it and you live for them, not in spite of them.”