When the last of my orgasm leaves me, I lean my head against the shower tile and try to hold back the tears. It’s all just a fantasy. I’m alone in my shower, and the water is turning cold. The images of Maggie I’ve conjured in my head spin down the drain with my release.
The warmth I felt in my chest seconds ago is now gone, and all I’m left with is the pain of wanting something I can’t have. Not yet.
Getting out of the shower, I grab a towel and dry off and make my way out of the master bedroom and into the kitchen. I grab the pen off the counter and go to the calendar hanging on the wall. I cross today off in red ink, showing that I’m one day closer to her. One more month and I can end this.
Leaving Maggie’s house was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. But I knew it was for the right reason. It was the only way I could stay away from her. Otherwise I would have smothered her with what I felt and would have been unable to have it. She’s one month from turning eighteen, and then it’s her decision. I will go to her and beg her to forgive me for leaving. I will beg her to take me, faults and all. Because she’s mine.
That one kiss sealed it for her, for us. I admitted how much I cared for her, and then I couldn’t deny my own desire any longer. Tasting her sweetness and feeling her soft body melt against mine was too much. I wanted it all, and more. I wanted to drink her soul into mine and bind our bodies together for all eternity.
But I knew it wasn’t the right time. I knew that she needed some space to decide if this was really what she wanted. The note I left for her was a sorry way to explain it, but doing it in person would have been wrong. If I had have been within arm’s reach of her, I wouldn’t have given her the chance to say no. And now, with some time away from me, she can tell me what she’s decided. If I’m still what she wants.
I’m not a man who’s been with a lot of women in my life. Certainly never in a relationship. Kissing Maggie changed all that, and it changed me. I know the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I want her to choose me. But even if she doesn’t, there will never be another in my bed. There will only be the thought of her to keep me warm at night. Because I can’t live a life with a substitute.
I’d like to think I’m strong enough to let her walk away and be with someone else if that’s what she wants. I keep telling myself over and over that if she chooses another man, that’s who she needs. But I know deep in my soul that it will break me. I’ll try to make her understand. I’ll do everything in my power to show her that I love her. And maybe then it will be enough.
I’ve been in touch with Major since I left, and he’s mentioned here and there how Maggie is doing. He’s dropped a few details about her going on dates and bringing guys to meet him. Every time he told me about it, I felt like I was going to throw up. But I had to remind myself that this was part of the plan. Give her a year to figure out if she still feels the same way about me as she did before.
Major would cut me almost as deep as Maggie. Part of me wondered if he was doing it just to hurt me, or if he was trying to get a reaction. We never talked about why I left, but I think maybe deep down he knew something either happened between Maggie and me or it was about to.
I wish I could say that I was able to stay away from her completely, but I’d be lying. I’m strong, but I have no power when it comes to my Maggie. I watched her every day. And I don’t mean almost every day, I mean every single day. I watched her go to school in the mornings to make sure she got there safe. I watched her go home in the afternoons, or out shopping with Alice.
I always kept my distance, and I made sure she didn’t see me watching her, but I couldn’t stop. I had to make sure she was okay, and selfishly, it helped ease some of the ache in my heart.
Being pulled in a hundred different directions was killing me when I was living with Major and Maggie. At first it felt like coming home and that I’d finally found the family I’d been looking for my whole life. We all fit together, and it was like my life was finally making sense. Then my feelings for Maggie grew, and they changed. At first she was like a little sister, and I felt protective of her. But as time went on and I got to know her, I fell in love. Hard.
But at least one part of my brain knew that she was too young to have and I needed to give it time. At least until she was legal. After that, in the eyes of the law at least, she could decide what she wanted. It was like ripping my heart in half, but I knew that this pain now could stop a lot of it from happening later. By moving out and giving her some space, it gave her the chance to see if this was some dumb crush or if she felt even a fraction of what I feel.
Time will tell. One month to go.
After I get dressed I drive to the spot near the high school and wait. When I see her Jeep pull up, I watch as she gets out and grabs her backpack before she’s greeted by a guy. I clench my fists at my side and grit my teeth, able to do nothing but watch this happen. She smiles at him, and it’s like a punch to the gut. All I want is to have that smile turned to me and for a brief second feel my sunshine. The long-lost warmth that’s been missing since the day I left her. I want it back so badly that my heart aches for it.
Thankfully he doesn’t touch her as they walk inside, and I let out a breath. I get back in my truck and drive to work, trying to push out of my head thoughts of her with whoever he was.
I roll my eyes at my own efforts, knowing that’s an impossible task.
Before I moved out, I’d already been looking for places to stay. I knew that at some point I would have to get a place of my own, and if I’m being honest, deep down I wanted to have my own place with Maggie. I don’t think I came to that truth until after I left, but looking back now, I was making all the moves so that when I returned, we could be together. I ended up getting a condo around the corner from her house. It’s just big enough for me, and maybe Maggie if she wants one day. I don’t allow my thoughts to drift to the what if she doesn’t possibilities.
When I get to work I wave to the guy at the desk and make my way upstairs. I asked to have my own office after I moved out of Maggie’s house. I knew it was a possibility that she may come back to volunteer, so I banished myself from the building and into the one across the street. This one they use solely for counseling, and it makes it easier to schedule my day. Even if it does mean that I don’t get to interact in the group setting like I did before. I didn’t want the sight of Maggie to tempt me into action, and I knew that seeing her there, seeing her smiling face, would have been too much.
I walk through the door of my office and stop short when I see a man in uniform sitting across from my desk. He stands up when he hears me and turns to address me.
“Lieutenant Strong?”