“Oh my goodness, yes, I’d love that,” I exclaimed.
We exchanged information, chatted a little more, and then I headed for my taxi.
The following day the group had a free morning, with filming not scheduled until the late afternoon. I slept in after my gig and took a leisurely shower. I must’ve been the last to wake up because everyone was gone by the time I left my room. Paul, James and Leanne decided to go sightseeing, while Callum took a trip to a chiropractor because he was having some trouble with his shoulder. That left only Trev, Neil and me in the apartment.
Neil sat on the couch with his computer on his lap. The door to the balcony was open and a cool morning breeze drifted in.
Deciding to make brunch, I asked Neil if he was hungry then texted Isaac to see if he wanted to come over for food.
“Where’s Trev?” I asked Neil, and he glanced up from his laptop.
“In his room, I think.”
I nodded and headed toward the bedrooms. When I reached the one he was sharing with Callum, the door was left slightly ajar. I lifted my hand to push it open, then hesitated. I could hear Trev talking inside and I didn’t want to interrupt. When I took a peek around the doorframe I saw he was on a Skype call.
“And how do you feel about the possibility of rekindling a relationship?” an older male voice asked. He sounded thoughtful but clinical, and I couldn’t think of who it might be until I remembered Trev mentioning his doctor. They’d arranged weekly online therapy sessions while he was away.
“To be honest, it’s difficult not to let my head run away with itself. When I’m around her I know I need to take things slow, but I just want to talk about everything. I want to ask how she feels, demand that she tell me where I stand. It makes me crazy not knowing.”
“Go on.”
“It’s just so difficult not to regress.”
The doctor’s voice was soothing. “When you feel that way it’s probably a good idea to take a step back. Assess the situation from a distance. Diving into things without thinking is one of your biggest issues. Not only might you scare Reya away, but you could also damage the progress you’ve made.”
I stifled a gasp when the doctor mentioned my name, my heart pounding rapidly to discover they were talking about me.
“I just want things to go back to how they were.”
“We can’t go back, Trevor, only forward. After all, you aren’t who you were back then, therefore, it can’t really be the same, can it?”
He sounded frustrated when he responded, “But that’s just the thing, doc. I am the same. Don’t get me wrong, some days I really do feel like I’ve changed, but then I have these moments of clarity. I see how brittle my progress is, how easily I can ruin it all. I’ll always be the bloke I was before, no matter how much I try. He’s a forgotten pill away, or a missed therapy session. I’m not sure I can keep living on this edge all the time. I can’t spend my entire life at war with my own head. It’s exhausting.”
The doctor was sympathetic now. “Unfortunately, there are only two options, and that is the better one. There is a consolation though, the war gets easier.”
“So, I just keep going through every day like this? That’s not how I want to live. I don’t want to give Reya this half-broken excuse for a man. I want to give her something solid and reliable. I want to give her everything she deserves.”
“This isn’t a new sentiment for you, Trevor. We spoke in depth about how you distanced yourself from her romantically during the early days of your friendship because you thought she wouldn’t be able to rely on you.”
“She wouldn’t have. Before I met Reya I’d already had a string of girlfriends and it was the same cycle every time. We got together, a few weeks went by, and they started to want a proper relationship. I couldn’t give them that, not consistently, anyway. Some days I’d feel solid and could act like the perfect boyfriend, but then other days I couldn’t focus at all. I’d get distracted and forget to call, or forget a date we’d planned. In the end they’d get so fed up with my unpredictable behaviour that they’d break it off. Or I’d get sick of their nagging and break things off myself.”
Wow. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was this the reason he’d kept me at a distance for so long? He didn’t want that to happen to us, the premature break-up? So many things started to make sense, and I felt so ridiculously stupid that I hadn’t put it together sooner.
“But Reya meant too much to you to risk a similar break-up?” the doctor questioned.
“Yes. I didn’t want to lose her. I couldn’t lose her. The way I felt about her was too strong, so I kept things platonic, even though some days it was fucking agony.”
“Don’t you think that shows restraint? You stopped yourself from taking something you wanted because of the possible long-term repercussions.”
“I suppose . . .”
“So, even back then you had that in-built control. Yes, it did break eventually, but you need to acknowledge the achievement was no small feat. You stayed the course for a very long time, with no understanding of your condition and no treatment. For over three years you maintained a friendship with Reya.”
“It’s not like it was easy,” said Trev with a hint of humour.
“And I believe you, but I also believe that with the right guidance and perseverance, you can overcome your hurdles and continue to do so. You have to understand that this is a lifelong practice. There isn’t a quick fix. Like anything in the world, continual upkeep and maintenance is what keeps it ticking over. The man you are today is far different from the one who first visited my clinic, but you’re only six months into this process. Once you get used to a routine you’ll feel much better equipped to enter into a romantic relationship.”
Trev was quiet after the doctor finished speaking and I knew I should leave, but my feet wouldn’t move. I was morbidly fascinated hearing all this, even though at the same time I knew what I was doing was very, very wrong. I was eavesdropping on what was supposed to be a private and confidential conversation. But I was hearing things about Trev I’d struggled to understand for years.
The doctor engaged Trev by changing the subject. “Tell me about the first time you met Reya.”
I stood very still, my back flush with the wall, my hands flat. I still couldn’t believe I was such a prominent figure in his therapy sessions. His doctor referred to me so familiarly, so they obviously discussed me often.
“I was out with my brother. He was interested in Reya’s friend, Karla. They’re married now, but they were still getting to know each other then. I saw her dancing and I . . . I dunno, I just liked her face. There was something real kind about her eyes.”
“And that kindness drew you to her?”
“Well, yeah. But my brother asked me to keep her distracted while he hit on her friend, so that’s why I approached her. I asked if she wanted a drink and she got all shy, so I knew I couldn’t go with my usual chat-up lines.”