“No, I guess you can’t. But where would you live?” Jenna watched a car drive by, then turned her attention back to her mother. She had a solemn look in her eyes, and instead of the bright lipstick she’d been wearing lately, her mother’s lips were natural, her cheeks pink from lying out in the sun. Without the mask of heavy makeup, fine lines were evident around her mouth and puckered around the creases of her eyes. Despite the signs of age, she looked beautiful.
Her mother shrugged. “I’m not sure, but your father is moving on, and being in the house we shared makes it terribly hard for me to do the same.” She smoothed the front of her shorts. “I know I’ve been…different lately.”
Jenna arched a brow, wondering why, if she knew she’d been acting different, she didn’t stop herself.
“This whole thing has been an eye-opener, Jenna. I was so shocked by your father getting remarried. Somehow even this long after the divorce, it really threw me for a loop that he’s replacing our marriage with a new one. Our relationship was replaceable. That’s a big pill to swallow. I guess I went a little nutty. I’m still going a little nutty.”
Jenna set her hand on her mother’s hand. “You’re not nutty, Mom. You’re just confused.”
“That’s just it. I’m not at all confused.” Her mother pulled her shoulders back, and her eyes became serious. “I know you think I am. I even know I’m driving you crazy with the way I’m dressing and the way I’m acting, but honestly, it’s the only way for me to move forward.”
Jenna covered her face with her hands. “Ugh.” She dropped her hands and had to laugh. “You know you’re acting weird and you think it’s a good thing? And you knew you were driving me crazy and you didn’t tell me that you weren’t losing your mind?”
“Oh, honey. I’m not sure how to explain this to you. But the best way I can is that sometimes we put ourselves into these molds when a period in our life requires it. Like when you’re deep into the throes of motherhood and your personal life gets put on hold. Or when you’re building a career and nothing but climbing that silly ladder matters. And then we wake up one day, and we realize that we had no idea who we were before we got into that mold. It turns out, it’s not so easy to move between them, only no one warns you of that when you’re young.” A breeze swept through the garden, rustling the purple, yellow, and white flowers beside them.
Miranda set her eyes on Jenna. “This is your warning, honey. We have to adapt to certain phases, but it’s not easy to keep from getting lost in them. This attitude adjustment of mine is my way of kicking myself in the rear to try and remember who I really am.”
“But aren’t you embarrassed by…?”
“By how I dress and how I act? No. I’m not embarrassed. You are, and I understand that, but I never realized how embarrassed you were until this morning.”
“This morning?”
“Oh, honey. Do you really think I’m blind? Pete had an overnight bag in his hand, not a tool box, and last I looked, you didn’t have a dog, but you have a dog bed in your bedroom.” She smiled and touched Jenna’s hand. “I also saw how upset it made him when you tried to cover up whatever is going on between you two, and that’s when I realized that while I was busy finding myself, I was losing you.”
“You’re not losing me.” She hadn’t realized how true the words were until she refuted them. She’d been putting distance between her and her mother, not returning her texts and calls right away. Her mother was right; she was losing her.
“Yes, I was. I was pushing you away by trying to be something I wasn’t, and I understand that, but I need you to understand that I’m not trying to be someone else. I’m trying to figure out who I really was, who I am, and trying out lots of things. But, baby girl, the last thing I want to do is to ruin things between us. I know I’ve been leaning on you a lot lately, and I’m sorry. It isn’t fair. You were so darn willing to be there for me before the summer, and as awful as it sounds, I was broken, Jenna. I needed that.”
Jenna’s throat thickened with guilt. “It’s not awful. You’re my mom. I’d do anything for you.”
“I know you would.” She put her arm around Jenna and pulled her closer. “But you’re my daughter, not my parent, and you have a life to live, too.”
“I’m finally living my life.” Thinking of Pete, Jenna couldn’t repress her smile.
“Oh, Jenna. You’ve always been living your life. You’re just living your life with the man you’ve been crushing on for years on end. I was afraid he’d never come around.”
“Crushing on?” Jenna laughed. Dreaming of. Fantasizing over. Both were more accurate. “I wasn’t sure he ever would either. I asked out another guy, and that got his attention.”
“Why is it that men need a threat to realize what they have?” Her mother’s eyes saddened.
“Mom, I’m sorry about Dad.”
She squeezed Jenna’s hand. “So am I, honey. I loved him. I love him. I’ll never stop loving him, and I’ll never replace him. You know what I said about it being hard to break out of the molds from different phases of our lives?” She didn’t wait for Jenna to answer. “Well, I knew things weren’t good between your father and me for a very long time. I just didn’t know how to fix them. I was comfortable in our life, and your father wanted to travel and see the world. It’s like one day he woke up and realized that we were on the downhill side of our lives, and he wanted to experience more of what life had to offer, not just wait for it to end.” She shrugged. “I was too content. I was afraid to break out of the mold.”
“So that’s why you’re doing it now? Breaking out of the mold?”
“I guess. I don’t really know. I know I say things about your father that I shouldn’t. I’m just hurt, and I’m brokenhearted, and it’s not fair to you. You love your father, as you should, but it hurts to know that I could have changed things and I lost my chance.” Her mother looked away, but not before Jenna noticed her damp eyes.
“Mom, have you talked to Dad about this? Does he know you’re trying to change now?” Could they reconcile? It was a strange idea to ponder, since her father was about to be married to Cara, but Jenna felt a flutter of hope in her chest.
“Your father and I are close, Jenna. We talk often.”
“You do?” How could she not know that?
“True love doesn’t just wash away because you’re bored.”
“But you got divorced. It’s been two years.”
“True. Your father is happy with his new tart.”
“Mom.”
“Sorry. She’s actually a nice woman, and she makes him happy. We’ll never lose what we had. They’re great memories, but he did the right thing. He took control of his life, and now it’s time for me to move on.”
“So…you’re not going to try to reconcile with Dad? I feel like I’m on an emotional roller-coaster ride.”
“Oh no, honey. I didn’t mean to give you that impression. You can’t go backward in life. Only forward. Which is why after tonight I’m going to get out of your hair and let you move on with your life.” Her mother hugged her, and held her against her while she spoke. “Thank you for being there for me. It was your kick in the pants that made me wake up.”