“Live dangerously,” Lottie urges me. “Finn, c’mon, help us out.”
“I’ll do my best.” He nudges me. “What do you say? Want to play hooky for the day?” His smile is full of mischief, and I wonder in what universe would anyone turn him down.
“That depends what you’ve got in mind.” I tease.
“Well, first we need to get you wet.” He murmurs, too low for the others to hear. I blink. “In the ocean,” he adds, winking. “I was thinking a beach day.”
“That sounds great.” Lottie declares.
“But don’t you need me to watch Kit?” I ask.
She waves my concern away. “I’ve got it. You go be young, wild, and irresponsible.”
“That sounds like an order,” Finn says gravely.
“It is.” Lottie gives me a meaningful look. “You two should get out of town for the day. Take some time to hang out, have fun. Talk.”
I give her a glare, but she’s already hugging Dee goodbye and heading out. Finn chivalrously opens his car door for me.
“Ready?”
As I’ll ever be.
We spend the day by the ocean, following the winding coastal route out of town until we find the stretch of calm shoreline up near Beachwood Bay. It’s still early in the season, and most people have stuck to the town beach, but Finn drives us out further, to where the golden sands are empty and the waves crash against the shore. We make ourselves a hollow in the dunes, half-hidden amongst the sea-grasses, sheltered from the brisk sea breeze, and let the hours drift by, just talking and kissing and dozing together on the sand. Finn brings his guitar, and I make him play for me, his finger moving so surely over the strings in a melody he knows by heart. It’s perfect, the kind of day you want to freeze in amber just for the simple peace of those moments in his arms. The lazy path of his fingertips on my stomach, the slow, steady beating of his heart as I nestle my head against his chest. Last time I took it all for granted in that wide eyed teenage way, not realizing how rare or precious it was to connect with someone like this. Now, I won’t make the same mistake.
The sun is sinking lower in the pale sky when Finn takes my hand. “Come on, let’s take a walk,” he says, tugging me to my feet.
“Or we could do more sitting,” I yawn, and he laughs.
“I haven’t dunked my feet in the ocean for years.” He tugs again, and we leave our things in the dunes and head, barefoot, towards the waves. The ocean is restless today, foaming in distant peaks and rushing to fill the shallow flats with tiny tributaries and streams. A wave rushes over my feet. I gasp from the cold, but I quickly get used to it, the afternoon light fading on the far horizon.
Finn takes a deep breath beside me. “It’s fucking beautiful,” he says, looking out across the bay. “I forget that, sometimes, with everything else.”
“No place like it,” I agree.
“Is that why you came back?” Finn turns to look at me.
I shrug and keep walking, the shallow waves rushing over our bare feet. “I told you, New York just didn’t work out.”
“Eva.” My name is so soft on his lips it makes me ache. “I know you, and you’re no quitter. It was all you used to talk about, making it to the city, making it on Broadway, or someplace else. What happened?” Finn squeezes my hand. “I’ve been trying to figure it, but I just don’t get it.”
I take a deep breath. Even though he’s confided in me and bared every part of his past, I still feel so exposed right now. It’s hard to find the words.
“I messed up,” I admit finally. “I lost myself, I guess. Did you ever feel like you just disappeared, and the person living your life wasn’t you?”
Finn nods, his eyes not leaving my face.
“That was me in New York,” I sigh, looking out across the water. “I just… wanted to forget you. Forget everything. I went so far off course you wouldn’t have recognized me. Even I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. The partying, the other men.” I stop, getting choked up, but it’s not my stammer getting in the way of speaking. It’s shame this time.
I look anxiously at Finn, but he just gives me an weary smile. “I’ve been there, honey. Believe me, I know. But that’s all behind us now. You can’t let it hold you back.”
“But.” I swallow, feeling confused at how easily he’s taking the story. “You don’t even know the half of it.”
“I know what I went through without you, and fuck, I’m not proud of that either.” Finn pulls me closer. “You want to talk about self destruction? I could fill a whole book with the things I did. But none of it matters now. I don’t need to know who you used to be,” he swears. “All that matters is standing in front of me, right now.”
I can’t stop the tears coming. I wish he could be right. If only I could wipe the slate clean and never have to face the past again, life would be so much simpler for the both of us. But I know, deep down, I can’t go on like this. It’s been eating away at me not sharing my whole heart, and keeping him in the dark any longer will only make it worse.