“I’m positive, Kelly. You’ve done enough. Both of you. I’m able to look after myself.”
They nodded, although Kelly seemed to have her doubts. Elle hurried from the car, in through the door of her apartment, and shut it tightly behind her. She locked it and went upstairs. The apartment was warm. Dennis had made sure of that, and Elle silently thanked him.
She sat down on her bed and stared at the empty fireplace. There were some logs of wood and she threw them onto the hearth. Then she poured a little of the lighter fluid that sat next to the logs onto them, and threw in a match. After a few minutes of coaxing the flames, she had a nice fire going. She needed the comfort of it.
She’d vowed to herself that she’d be strong, that she wouldn’t let Gris get to her, but his words cut like a knife. He knew exactly what to say. Her past was like a black mark on her soul, or so she felt. No matter how hard she tried, she didn’t seem to be able to rid herself of its stain. What if Gris was right? What if she was unlovable? What if Forrester really had changed his mind about her?
She shook her head. Her diary was sitting on the bed next to her and she grabbed it. There was that quote again.
*
It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.
*
She didn’t want to be hated, but she definitely didn’t want to be loved for something she wasn’t. Deep down she knew, if someone was ever going to love her, he would have to love her for all the things she was. All the things that made her her. All the imperfections, and scars, and difficult things she’d been through. Those were the things that made her Elle. Those were the things that she was most proud of, not ashamed of.
What was it that Gris had said about the police? That he had them wrapped around his finger? That’s where he’d slipped up. She had to believe that. She might not be the perfect girl, she might not have had the perfect life and the perfect upbringing, but she deserved to be loved. She knew that. She had to believe it. And she had to believe that Forrester hadn’t run out on her. He hadn’t abandoned her. Gris had arranged something with the sheriff. That was why she hadn’t seen Forrester.
She looked out the window. For once, it wasn’t snowing. She put back on her coat and marched down the stairs. If Forrester was still around, she was going to find out. If he needed her help, she was going to figure out a way to help him. She wasn’t the kind of person to give up on someone she loved, no matter how terrified she was of running into Gris.
Once out on the street, she looked carefully in every direction. She knew Gris. She knew the kind of man he was. She knew how easy it would be for him to grab her, pull her into his car, and take her away with him. But she couldn’t let that get to her now. She hurried to the intersection by the diner and turned toward the police station. She walked hurriedly, her boots making footprints in the snow like an Arctic explorer. The streets were completely deserted.
When she reached the police station she didn’t know if she should be relieved or scared. On the one hand, the police were supposed to protect her. On the other, she knew Gris had corrupted them. She could see into the sheriff’s office, and beyond it, the county jail. It didn’t look like anyone was on duty in the front office, but she knew there had to be someone working in there. There were lights on, a few cars parked out front.
And then she saw it. It was Gris’s car.
What was Gris doing at the sheriff’s office?
Her stomach turned. She knew something wasn’t right. He had no business being there.
Could this be the reason Forrester had disappeared so suddenly?
As she stood there on the sidewalk, looking through the fence at the sheriff’s office, a battle raged inside her. It was a battle between everything she was, everything she’d been in the past, and everything she wanted to be in the future.
On the one hand, she could hear Gris’s voice telling her that no one would ever love her. That was the part of her that feared Forrester had up and left, abandoning her to her fate. She knew that was a real possibility. What if Gris or the sheriff had simply told Forrester about her past? About the life she’d led as a child? Surely that would be enough to get a guy to think twice about her, no matter what he’d thought he felt for her before. As if to drive home her fear, Gris’s black car sat there in the parking lot, the back still dented and damaged from when she’d rammed into it.