“You were supposed to be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I’m so mad at you for taking that car out. I will never get over the loss of you, and all I have are the things you left behind. Sometimes I wear your clothes, and I know that’s weird, but they smell like you and when I’m wearing them I feel close to you. I will never love anyone the way I loved you, and I will never stop loving you. My heart hurts so much and I’m trying to be strong, but it’s so hard. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and it’s not fair that I didn’t get more time with you.”
A beep sounded in her ear when she ran out of time and the recording cut her off. She rested her head on the railing of the bridge, her shoulders shaking as she cried.
When she was all cried out, she looked up and hesitated only for a moment before heaving the phone into the Mississippi River.
That night, Kate reached into the cupboard for one of the glasses she’d given Ian for Christmas. She filled it halfway with bourbon and sat in the chair by the window where she had waited for Ian to come home. But he would never come home again no matter how long she sat there.
She took a drink and winced at the taste. She would never truly be a whiskey girl, but since Ian wasn’t there to celebrate his birthday she’d decided she’d drink it for him. The second mouthful went down a little easier, and the alcohol warmed her, which she welcomed because she felt cold all the time.
When the glass was empty, she poured another. Her tears flowed freely because at home she didn’t have to hide them or pretend everything was okay. She drank and she cried, and her longing for him was as bottomless as her glass.
Earlier that day, shortly after Stuart left, Samantha had come into the food pantry alone. She’d pulled Kate aside and whispered, “I got some money. This is the second time it’s happened. The bank traced it to one of those charitable websites where you can ask for help and people can donate anonymously. But I never went to that website, and I never asked for help. I spent it because I needed it so badly. Do you think it’s okay to spend this one too?”
Kate had scared Samantha when she’d grabbed her hands and started crying.
“What is it?” Samantha had asked. “What’s wrong, Kate?”
“Nothing,” she said. “I’m just so happy for you. You should definitely spend the money.”
“If you think it’s okay, then I will.”
Kate finished the second glass of bourbon, head spinning and tears rolling down her face. She didn’t know why some people could have everything and others had to struggle and fight. Why some people lived to one hundred but others would not see thirty-three.
The only thing she knew for sure was that Ian had not been granted enough time on this earth, and she’d give anything to have him back.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Ian had been dead for thirty-one days when Kate received the message. She’d been walking home from work in the pouring rain, umbrella turned inside out from the gusty wind that had accompanied the downpour, when her phone sounded an alert to let her know she’d received a new e-mail. She forgot all about it until she went to call her mother an hour later and couldn’t find her phone. After finally tracking it down in the front pocket of the soaked jeans she’d removed immediately upon her arrival at home, she remembered the alert. When she hung up with Diane, she scrolled through the unread e-mails. A message from the dating site she no longer used caught her eye.
The subject line said, You have one new message.
Kate would have to log on to her dating account to read the message, but since she had no desire or interest in doing so, she deleted the e-mail notification.
The next day while sitting at her desk, she received another notification. You have one new message.
At Ian’s request, Kate had not deleted her account. But the thought of dating anyone made her physically ill, and the last thing she wanted was a constant reminder of her single status. She opened a browser on her phone and logged on to her account. Kate had modified her preferences so that she’d no longer receive alerts, but all the notification settings had been turned back on. She jabbed at the drop-down menu to turn them off again. Deciding it was time to remove her profile permanently, she went in search of the delete button.