Heart-Shaped Hack

“Tell me everything you know about me,” Kate said. She was tired of being blindsided whenever he spouted some new personal detail.

“Let’s see… you turned twenty-nine in September. You have a dentist appointment next week, and the book you placed on hold at the library is ready for you to pick up. You receive a disturbing number of messages on your dating account from men trying to hook up with you or asking to see you naked, which you delete immediately. I have to say I’m truly shocked at what men deem appropriate behavior in the modern dating world.”

“You,” Kate said, pointing a finger at him. “You are shocked.”

“I am. I’m not sure how you women put up with it.”

“The struggle is real. Go on.”

“Your e-mails all include emoticons, usually hearts and smiley faces, and your Netflix queue consists mostly of romantic comedies. Oh, and you’re a 34C. That’s just the stuff I can remember offhand. I’m sure there’s more.”

Kate was horrified. “How do you know my bra size?”

“I scrolled through your order history at Victoria’s Secret.”

“Well, that’s not at all creepy,” she deadpanned.

“Did you know there are items in your shopping cart? Sweaters. Lots of thick, long, skin-covering sweaters. Frankly, it confused me.”

“Maybe I already own plenty of lingerie. Considering I walk to work, sweaters are much more practical. Plus they’re awfully cute.”

“I added a few things to your cart and checked out for you. I paid for it with my credit card. Expedited the shipping too, so you should have it by Monday.”

“You added a few things?”

“One hint: not sweaters.”

“How wildly inappropriate.”

“Kid in a candy store. Couldn’t help myself.”

“How?”

“Excuse me?”

“You’ve obviously hacked into my computer. How did you do it?”

“I came in your backdoor.”

“I’m certain you did not.”

“I assure you that I did.”

“Without even discussing it with me first? No preparation? No warning? Don’t you think that’s incredibly bad form?”

Ian grinned. “Are we still talking about your computer? Because I find you utterly delightful right now.”

“I’m waiting.”

“A backdoor is just a way to gain remote access to a computer. It took me all of two minutes to take over yours.”

“You have access to my computer?”

“Yes.”

A panicked expression appeared on Kate’s face. “Can you see my browsing history?” She’d recently clicked on a link to an article about how to pleasure a man orally, telling herself that it was always prudent to keep one’s skills sharp, especially now that she was single again. That link had led to a plethora of other links covering a host of similar topics, and Kate had spent a rather enjoyable evening sipping wine while clicking and reading.

Ian winked. “I can, and I must say the more I learn about you, the more I like you.”

“And to think I was once bothered by you tracking my credit card activity.”

“Those were the good old days, huh?”

“Do you know what I think? I think you’ve fallen into the habit of relying on your money and the way you look to excuse your appallingly intrusive behavior.”

“You’re absolutely right. There aren’t many problems my money can’t solve, but let’s talk more about the way I look. What exactly do you like the most?”

Kate feigned indifference. “I’m sure you’re very appealing to some, but I don’t happen to find you all that handsome.”

“Yes you do.”

Kate decided a subject change was in order. “You owe me some information.”

“Quid pro quo, then?”

“It’s only fair.”

“Go ahead.”

“Age?”

“Thirty-two.”

“Hometown?”

“Amarillo.”

“Really? You have no trace of an accent.”

“I’m a man of many personas, darlin’.” He said the words in a thick drawl.

“College?”

“MIT. Computer Science. Top of my class, of course.”

“Naturally.” Kate pulled her jacket tighter. Her butt had gone numb. “How long have you lived in Minnesota?”

“A little over two months.”

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