Hate To Love You

He lowered his lips, resting right over where his fingers were thrusting.

“Kennedy.” A soft beckon from him.

I looked down, saw the wicked grin, and widened my eyes. What was—he pulled his fingers out and kissed me there. His tongue slid inside, and my entire body clenched over the sensations. God. His tongue was moving in and out. He was circling me, sliding back in, and he continued.

My lungs were being constricted. I wanted to reach down, grab his head, and move against him. The need was so powerful, I grabbed fistfuls of his blanket.

I held on, forcibly holding myself back.

“Shay.” I was panting.

The pressure was building. I was nearing a climax, and I didn’t know if I could handle it. He was making me hurl over it before I was ready. He wouldn’t slow down. His tongue kept working, and then he began rubbing at my nub, and that was it. It was like my body crashed over the edge, and the tremors took over, wracking my body.

Shay lifted his head, but his fingers went back in me. They were slow and tender. He was helping ease the shaking, and I reached down, grasped his wrist, but I didn’t stop him. Our eyes caught and held, our faces were so close.

I never had a guy do that to me, and it made me feel as if I were stripped and bare to him. I never felt naked to him, even when my clothes were off, but I felt raw right now.

His eyebrows dipped together briefly. “You okay?”

My air was still stuck in my throat, so I nodded. “Yeah.” I swallowed. “I’ve never had someone do that before.”

A tenderness came over him again, and his grin softened. “You haven’t?” His fingers slid out of me, and a warm glow spread over my body. It washed down my spine, through every arm and leg, even down to my toes and fingers. I was tingling, like an out-of-body experience just happened.

I laughed at that thought. Talk about an ego-booster.

“What are you laughing about?” He stretched back up over me, gazing down.

“Nothing.” I framed both sides of his face. “Ready to study?”

He barked out a laugh. “Give me a second, then I’m coming back and working you up all over again.”

He stood from the bed, and I rolled over. His ass, I was almost drooling. It was so tight, but his front side was just as much of a masterpiece. He padded back to the bed, a condom in hand, and then he lay over me once again. He rested between my legs, his mouth finding mine in the sweetest kiss I’d ever had, and it wasn’t long before I was longing for him to be inside me. This time, when he eased inside, his mouth remained on mine, and it was slow, it was tender, and it was drawn out.

Shay took his time, worshipping my body all over again, until I exploded around him. Then he began thrusting harder and harder. He picked up his pace, and I wound my legs around his waist as he was pounding into me for his own release.

I raked my fingers through his hair as he moved to rest on his side. I moved with him, sliding my leg between his, and I tugged his face back to mine. One last kiss. It was tender, like so much else from him today. It was exactly what I needed.

He pulled back, then nipped me once more. “What was that for?”

“The whole thing?”

He rested his head on the bed, looking at me. “The kiss.” He touched my lips for a moment before falling to lie on his stomach. “It was nice.”

“The whole thing was nice.”

“Yeah. It was.”

If we were boyfriend and girlfriend, I would tell him my feelings from the day. I’d talk about the assholes in the food court, the assholes I ran from, the two in my class who would continue to be a problem. I’d tell him how the world seemed so heavy today, until I came here and he kissed so sweetly and touched me so gently, as if he knew that was exactly what I needed to push the heaviness away. I didn’t, because we weren’t. This was just sex, but a budding actual friendship was starting, too. I couldn’t lie to myself any longer about that, and I gazed back at him. I reached for his hand on my stomach and laced our fingers together.

He lifted his head, as if he was waiting for me to say something.

I couldn’t. I couldn’t share the last of what I had. I’d be too exposed, too vulnerable. I squeezed his hand one last time, then rolled to sit up on the side of the bed. I reached for my clothes. “We should probably study.”

He sat up behind me. I thought he’d go around me and start dressing. He didn’t. He slid in behind me, his legs coming around, and he draped himself over me. He tugged me back so I was resting against his chest, and he rested his chin on my shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

I tensed, but flashed him a grin. “Nothing.” I kept my tone light, though I knew he knew I was lying. “We really should dress, or we won’t get any studying done tonight.”

“Kennedy—”

I pulled away from him, standing with my clothes in hand. “Mind if I take a quick shower?” I didn’t wait. I hurried in, shut the door, and was under that water like my life depended on it. I took a pause then. What was going on with me? I’d dealt with assholes before. Why were they still with me? Still under my skin? And why was I running from Shay? I wouldn’t be sleeping with him if I thought he wanted to hurt me. I didn’t need to hold things back, but . . . no. I just needed a moment. The wall was down. That was what it was.

I was feeling everything.

I wasn’t protected.

One wrong word, one wrong look, and he had the power to hurt me. I was completely vulnerable.

I lingered in the shower, taking my time drying and dressing before I went back into the bedroom. The wall was back up and in place. I felt in control again.

Shay was at his desk, dressed in those sweats and shirt he’d worn when he opened the door downstairs. He lowered his pen. “Better?”

I nodded, feeling my throat swell. “Much.”

He wasn’t asking for specifics, but he knew I’d been affected. He just didn’t know from what. I sat on his bed and grabbed for my backpack.

He nodded, going back to his textbook.

I unzipped my bag. “It isn’t you.”

He looked back up. “What is it?”

“I . . .” I glanced down to my bag, though I wasn’t seeing it. “I, um, I don’t really know, but it isn’t you.”

“If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen.”

I looked back to him, saw the lack of judgment, the lack of expectation, the lack of impatience. He was there for me if I needed him, and that was it. It was the epitome of what every friendship should be. No demands. No pressure. Just there.

The bag fell from my hands, and I rose, going over to him.

He moved his chair back, and I lifted my leg, coming down on his lap to straddle him.

Maybe this was venturing too far into the territory of feelings, and being more than friends with benefits, but I didn’t care at that moment.

Shay’s hands went to my legs, and I dipped down to find his lips with mine. I sighed into them. We sat like that, kissing, him holding me, me just needing this touch from him until a long time later when he carried me back to the bed. Then he was back inside me, but a part of me could’ve spent the entire night like that, just kissing him.