Be cool. Be cool.
Remember you’re in the Underworld.
Nog here is the only way out.
“What in the heck are you talking about, sir?” I say. “And what land am I going to want to rule over anyway? In case you’ve forgotten, I’m still on my Queen Quest. Aren’t we getting a little ahead of ourselves, sir?”
Because Professor Nog is dead, he can see into the future. And he’s always giving us cadets little helpful bits of advice. I mean he can’t see into the future like the Oddsmakers or anything, but the ancient Nog definitely has some supernatural vision.
Now I realize old Nog in all his royal crustiness is suddenly standing right in front of me. And him being this close to me is freaking me out. Besides, when had Nog climbed out of the LavaTub and come over to me? I hadn’t even noticed.
The dead can be real sneaky like that. Take it from me. The dead may not be much in the talon-eye coordination department, but they are probably the sneakiest bastards you ever will come across. Because when it comes right down to it, you really can’t trust the dead any further than you can bury them.
“Am I correct in assuming that you want to live?” growls Professor Nog. “Because if so, then you’ll be glad my counsel is what I’m here to give. Or is death something you do not fear? Because trust me, Gork, I don’t have time to hold your talon here. Just follow my instructions and you might be OK, you may even manage to live through this day. Now when you come to the land over which you want to rule, give that land a drop of your blood. And then wait to see if the land gives you its blessing in the form of a sacred bud. Because take it from your old Professor Nog, this is the golden rule!”
The stuff Nog is saying to me right now is giving me a royal case of the creeps. Jabbering about my blood like that and all.
“Why don’t you give the land a drop of your blood, sir?” I say, snorting firebolts. “If it’s so dang important? I don’t see why it needs to be my blood that’s suddenly up for grabs!”
Professor Nog sighs and squirts blacksmoke out his nostrils. “Because there’s going to be a multitude of opportunities for you to die today,” he says. “Way too many for me to go over with you right now. But death is lurking around every corner for you today!”
“Death is lurking around every corner, sir? Give me a break. Aren’t you being a little melodramatic, sir?”
And just like that, Professor Nog reaches out with his index claw and touches my green scales and instantly I feel a chill pass through my chest and seep into my heart. And my heart stops beating and turns into a block of meat encased in ice. I squat staring at Nog with my beak hanging open.
“That, young Gork,” says Professor Nog, “is death. Now does that feel melodramatic to you?”
I reach up with my talon and feel my chest in horror.
No heartbeat.
I’m dead.
I knew it was coming, I mean that’s how the Time Freeze works. The dragon that’s extracted has to be dead for the majority of his time in the Underworld. But still.
I’m dead. I’m dead.
I can’t believe I’m actually dead right now.
Now Nog flicks his powerstaff and then my scaly green body lifts up off the ground and floats up into the air and soars across the room.
This is a horrid sensation.
To be dead, and to be floating around this lair like this.
And then, well, Professor Nog means to drop me smack-dab on top of that hideous couch made of flaming coals. But instead he drops me down on the floor right next to the couch. Like I said, because Nog is dead and over five thousand years old, he doesn’t exactly have the greatest talon-eye coordination.
Plunk.
I hit the ground on my back.
Yet I can tell by the way Nog is squatting there and staring in my direction that he doesn’t know he’s dropped me on the ground instead of the couch. And I feel kind of bad for him, if you want to know the truth. Without a doubt he is the crustiest professor I’ve ever had, but he means well, and I don’t want to embarrass him.
So, feeling like a royal chump, I quickly get up and lie down on the couch as if Nog had just dropped me on top of it.
I even cry out, “Ouch!”
Just to give the old bastard some satisfaction, make him think he still hasn’t lost his touch. I mean, you figure that’s the one thing that really haunts the dead. Wondering if they’ve still got what it takes. At least it would me. If I were permanently dead. I’m pretty sure when I’m permanently dead I’ll be the most insecure bastard in the whole damn Underworld.
Now as soon as my back hits the couch, these metal straps shoot out of it and strap my forelimbs and hind legs down.
Ouch.
This time it really does hurt. But of course I don’t let on that it hurts, because I don’t want to give this scoundrel the satisfaction. I strain against the clamps, but to no avail.
Lying there on the couch, I can feel my beak frozen in a horrified rictus of fear.
“Now that you’re comfortable and settled in,” he says, “let us discuss your final grade for the semester, Gork.”
“Yes sir.”
“Well, cadet, I’m afraid I have bad news for you. And I know you’re going to be upset. But I’m going to have to give you an A. I really have no choice in the matter. I’m sorry to have to be telling you this.”
Holy crap. Do not lose your cool. Don’t explode right now.
First of all, you know the situation is bad if Nog feels like he has to apologize to you, because it’s against the law for a dragon to apologize. But I guess Nog isn’t worried about breaking the law, because he’s dead and all. Once you’re dead, I guess the law no longer really applies. Or maybe the dead have their own laws? I don’t know. And one thing’s for sure, I’m in no big hurry to find out.
Now if you’re a man-creature who’s reading this, then you need to know that the grading system for us dragons is pretty much the opposite of your grading system. Because at WarWings an A is the lowest grade you can receive, it means you’ve failed the course. Whereas an F is the highest grade you can receive. So our class valedictorian this year will be some dragon geek who received four years of straight Fs. And here Professor Nog is saying he’s going to give me an A for his Conquering and Ruling Over Demons course.
I am beyond outraged. I’m seeing lava.
Screw it! I’m sick of trying to keep my cool and being polite! This crusty fool has gone too far! I don’t care if he keeps my scaly green ass in the Underworld for all of eternity! I’m not going to sit here and listen to him try and cheat me out of my F!