I feel the vein in my temple start to pulse as a searing headache forms behind my right eye. “I have no fucking clue, Hannah! My life is a disaster that I’m not sure can be saved. Haven’t you figured that out yet?”
She brings her legs up Indian-style on the couch and turns to face me. She takes my hand and hooks her fingers loosely into mine. “I think you’re getting hung up because we’re talking in abstracts. I’ll give you something more concrete. Do you love me, yes or no?”
Fuck. “Hannah, I don’t know.”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
“Hannah—”
“If I were to ask you to marry me right now, what would your answer be, yes or no?”
“Jesus.” I rub my throbbing eye, wondering why the hell she thinks she’d want to marry me even if I said yes. “I’d have to think about it.”
She nods and unpins me from her gaze. “I guess that’s the answer, then. If you were ever going to love me, it would have happened by now.”
“You can’t tell me you love me,” I say as she gains her feet. I’ve given her absolutely no reason to.
She looks down at me a long moment. “There are parts of you I love, Caiden. You’re compassionate and caring; you have a huge heart and an old soul; and when you aren’t trying to prove to yourself that you don’t deserve love, you give it really well. I guess I’d started thinking that might be enough.” She shakes her head and goes to the fridge. “You want anything?”
“No. Thanks.” I feel like I’ve failed as a human being. Again. I’ve never done anything but disappoint the people who dare to try to love me.
She comes back with an open Heineken and takes a long swallow as she sinks into the cushions next to me. “So, here’s how I see it. If you’re not ever going to get over her, you have no choice but to go after her.”
When I realize what she’s saying, my heart starts to pound in my throat.
“Hasn’t she turned eighteen already?” she asks.
“Yesterday.”
And now I understand why we’re having this conversation today. Hannah knows why I spent most of yesterday just drunk enough to keep the memories at bay.
“If she’d extended the restraining order,” she says, “wouldn’t someone have had to notify you?”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s been a year. She’s moved on—started dating someone her own age. If she’s managed to make a normal life for herself, it would be supremely selfish for me to show up expecting her to drop everything and come running back to me now that she’s legal. I’m still eight years older than her. That hasn’t changed.”
She takes a long draw off her beer and we both stare mindlessly at the TV for the next several minutes until the end of the show.
She leans across me and takes the remote from the armrest, clicking off the TV. “Do you remember my theory on obstacles?”
It was her obstacle speech that inspired me to go after Blaire in the first place…which ended with Blaire publicly humiliated and me in jail.
“Did she love you?” she asks when I don’t answer her obstacle question.
I shrug. She said she did, but teenage emotions are tricky to pin down. “It felt like it,” I answer honestly. “At the time.”
“What if she still does, and she’s sitting home thinking the same thing you are—that you’ve moved on and you’re better off without her.” She smiles a little sadly. “Which, by the way, I would have to agree with, but that’s just my opinion.”
I huff out a laugh, but the moment passes, and as my smile fades, I’m left with an aching need in the pit of my stomach. “She’s with someone her own age,” I repeat, trying to keep my head on straight.
“So are you.” She lifts a hand to my face and brushes her fingers along the beard I’ve grown since she and I started doing whatever it is we’re doing. “Maybe it’s time to stop hiding behind it.”
My heart thuds in my chest.
What if she’s right?
Chapter 25
Blaire
When I went back to my room at dawn, Nate was gone. So was Aimee. I have no idea if they finished fucking or just went their separate ways. I showered, then packed as much as would fit in my Mini and left the rest for Aimee to deal with.
Storm clouds roll in as I drive, and by the time I hit the valley, it’s pouring—probably the last spring rain before everything dries up and turns brown for the summer. My tires suck, apparently, and I have to slow way down when I start skidding in the puddles. The rain makes what’s normally a three hour drive into four.
I bypass my exit on the highway, same as I did at Christmas break, and drive straight to East Overton. But as I pull into Caiden’s parking lot, I’m suddenly terrified.
It’s been a year. What if he’s found someone society deems more appropriate to love? The blonde looked like she was in her twenties. What if he’s in a serious relationship? What if he takes one look at me and wonders what the hell he was thinking?
I take a deep breath. Then another. Finally, as the raindrops begin to slow, I step out of my overflowing car and march up the stairs to Caiden’s door.
I knock.
No answer. But I can hear a TV inside.