He shoves off the car. “Life’s not fucking fair. Get used to it.” He storms past me and back toward campus.
I watch until he’s out of sight, then kick my tire and scream at the top of my lungs. Angry tears press behind my eyes and I swallow them back. But it’s not Caiden I’m angry at. It’s the world—fucking society that is trying to dictate who I can be with. I could fuck an ax murderer if he was my age and that’s just fine. But I find the most incredible person I’ve ever met and I can’t be with him because he’s a few years older than me? What the fuck is that?
I kick my car again and march back toward the library. But as I get close, I see Caiden on the sidewalk near the doors, talking to Professor Duncan. All the wind leaves my sails. If he really could go to jail, is it right of me to push him there? Even if he only gets fired, I’d have ruined his life.
I really like him. If I go after him when he said no, and any of those things happen, it will all be on me. He’ll resent me forever.
So I turn for my car and drive home with Arctic Monkeys full blast, the lyrics bleeding from the gaping hole in my chest.
Chapter 10
Caiden
It’s three weeks before I see her again.
I shouldn’t have left her standing there alone in the parking lot. I shouldn’t have flipped my shit all over her. But up until this second, as I walk into Dr. Duncan’s Nineteenth Century poetry class and her gaze finds mine like a heat seeking missile, I’d convinced myself I was in the right.
Neither of us are in the other’s best interest. Whether she’s scared of me after I blew up all over her, or just pissed, if it’s kept her away from me, it’s not a bad thing.
But Dr. Duncan is sick today and asked me to cover his class. All the students are doing at this point is prepping for their presentations, which are scheduled to start next week and run through finals. Half of the class isn’t even here, opting to work on their own or maybe just blowing it off altogether.
But Blaire is.
A few students have questions on format and how to structure their presentations. Working with them serves as an adequate distraction and I’m able to avoid watching Blaire. But when the questions evaporate, I’m left sitting up here on the stool with nothing but my laptop. I pull up my dissertation PowerPoint and go over my own presentation, tweaking a few slides here and there. But with about five minutes left in class, I’m out of things to keep my mind occupied and my eyes finally slip in her direction. I get snagged in her gaze and there’s nothing I can do to untangle myself. We stare at each other, both trying to see through the bullshit to what’s really underneath.
“I’ll be posting Dr. Duncan’s presentation schedule on his webpage tonight,” I say, pushing up from my stool. “For those of you who are scheduled for Monday, if you come up with any last minute questions, feel free to email me this weekend. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. Have a great weekend and good luck next week.”
I drag my heels packing up, hoping Blaire will be gone by the time I’m finished, but when I look up, she’s the only one left. I start up the stairs and she falls into step next to me.
I shove my hands deep into my pockets and watch the sidewalk unfold in front of me. We’re halfway to the library before I finally open my mouth. “How are you about to graduate, but only sixteen?”
She flicks me a sidelong glance. “Seventeen. Today is my birthday.”
Some odd aching sensation swells inside me like a tsunami. It takes me a second to recognize it’s longing so intense it’s physical, threatening to double me over. I give a slow nod as I breathe away the pain. “Happy birthday. But you didn’t answer the question. You’re young to be a senior.”
“I was only in kindergarten for a two days before they promoted me to first grade because I was devouring early readers and doing simple math. I was already on the young side for my class, so…” She trails off with a shrug.
I can’t stop the smile. “So, you’re a child genius.”
She holds my gaze. “I’ve always been mature for my age.”
“I can believe that.”
Her arm brushes mine as we walk and the contact nearly brings me to my knees. I stay focused on the five stories of concrete straight ahead. The library. Only one of my jobs here at the university.
She’s only seventeen. I can’t want the things I want.
We reach the library doors and I pull one open. “Are you coming in tonight?” There’s an undercurrent of raw need in my voice that I despise but can’t control.
She shakes her head. “Poetry slam night. They moved it up because of Memorial Day weekend and graduations and shit next Friday.”
I nod as disappointment sinks heavy in my gut. “Ah, well…break a leg.”
“I’ll give it my best shot.” She smiles and turns for the student lot.
I watch her until she’s absorbed into the descending shadows, then head inside.