“It’s okay,” he said. “They’re… gone now.”
That meant they were dead. Rightfully so, I guessed. Sometimes life really was about survival. They chased us. They wanted to engage in a fight. Someone had to die.
“I’ll be right back,” Finn said.
Darkness took me again.
~
When I came to again, there was a fire in the fireplace. A blanket on my body. And I was missing most of my clothes. I looked around and saw Finn sitting on the edge of the coffee table. Next to him was a bowl with water in it. And blood.
Blood?
“You’re all cleaned up,” he whispered. “Just a little gash on your forehead. You’re lucky, sweetie. No stitches or broken bones.”
“Okay,” I groaned.
“Does your head hurt at all?”
“No. I’m…” I blinked a few times. “I’m so sorry, Finn.”
“Why, sweetie?”
“Because you were supposed to have a different life. A better life. Not with me. Not like this. I could have gotten you killed tonight. And you saved me.”
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “I’ll always save you, sweetie. No matter what happens.”
Finn pulled away and I knew I had one last chance at it. So I asked. “Can you please just tell me about her?”
Finn shut his eyes for a second and then nodded slowly. “Yeah, sure. I’ll tell you about me and Carrie.”
31.
(Finn)
I told her how I met Carrie. How I had bought her some drinks, took her brother - Cormac - outside, how I fought him, how we laughed, and how the night never ended. And that’s exactly how it felt for me. That the first night we met was some kind of continuous span of time where the night, day, never ended. Like I had found my moment in time to lock right into and stay there.
“When I started making money fighting, it was strange for me. I grew up poor. I ate what I could when I had it. Even when I got popular at fighting, the money wasn’t great. I mean, I had a freaking apartment. That was luxury. Next thing I knew I was getting six figures tossed into my bank account. All the time. Sponsorships. Fights. Everything. And when me and Cormac got together, it was an explosion. He’s such a wild hair and I had the attitude and strength. Carrie had her hands full with both of us. But I loved that woman. I’d get drunk and tell Cormac how bad I wanted to marry her. Even sober, I just knew it was there. It was right. But she didn’t want to get married. She didn’t believe it. She liked the edge of freedom. You know why?”
“Why?” Shayna asked, weakly.
Staring at her was making me feel things I wasn’t sure I should feel. That right feeling I just mentioned? That was creeping in, bad.
“Because to her, the true sense of love was staying. Not being forced to stay by marriage. Because of vows and rings and legal papers. When you’re not married, you’re not bound to anyone. Or anything. You could wake up tomorrow and disappear. So her ultimate showing of love to me was being there. And for me to her, the same.”
I took a breath.
“I bought the land after we came hiking through here. I had the cabin built for her and I to live in. She wanted the woods and freedom. Here it was. All for the taking. She never got to see the cabin though.”
I stood up.
Shayna faintly tried to reach for me.
I closed my eyes.
Am I going there? Am I really going there right now?
“The life I live now makes it hurt worse,” I said.
“Why?” Shayna asked.
“I wasn’t like this. I mean, I was grumpy and an asshole. That’s just part of my built-in charm. But the violence, guns, intense fights, that’s all a new version of me. So as I live each day fucking around with a hard death, Carrie… she was taken so sudden and so…”
“How?”
“A fucking car accident,” I said. My throat started to close. I fought it away. “A car accident. Driving to the cabin to see it for the first time. A deer jumped out in front of another car. The guy swerved and lost control of his car. I guess Carrie tried to swerve away from him. She spun, he hit the ass of the car, and she went spinning until she hit a tree. Just like that. Nobody’s fault, really. No weapons. No bullets. No fists. No mob. Nothing. Just a goddamn random fucking car accident.”
I hung my head in defeat. It was the hardest thing to talk about. Because it was so simple. She was here, then she wasn’t.