“Prayers.” Theo spit the word in the parking lot. “What the fuck good will prayers do? He’s a scientist. He needs to get his ass in the lab or something and figure out how to stop that goddamn rejection.”
Then it hit me. All of it. Like a lightning bolt striking the top of my head and tearing straight down, nearly cleaving me in two.
I gripped Theo’s arm and he stopped with a jolt.
“What is it? Jonah? Talk to me…”
I pulled him close, the blood flooding my brain and my words coming out on shallow puffs of air. My head swelled. I could feel time racing past me, second by second, and I couldn’t be done yet. I wasn’t done yet.
“Help me, Theo.”
“What is it?”
“You have to help me.”
“Are you…Do you need doctor…?” His head whipped around the rows of parked cars, ready to call for help.
“No doctors. Not anymore. Theo, listen to me. I need your help.”
“Tell me,” he said. “What do you need? Anything, Jonah. Anything.”
“Help me finish it,” I said, my eyes boring into his. “I have to finish it, Theo. The installation. No matter what. I have to leave something behind.”
“Don’t talk like that,” he said. “You’re not going anywhere…”
I had to make him see. I held onto my brother, clutched him tight. He was solid and real, while I was already dissipating into the air, particle by particle. “Don’t let me vanish, Theo. Please. Help me…”
Theo’s eyes flared at my words, and his grip on my arms became painful. “I’ll help you,” he said through gritted teeth. “I’ll help you. Anything you want or need…I’m here. And so are you. You’re not going to vanish, Jonah. Goddammit, you’re not.”
I nodded and sucked in several draughts of air.
“Okay. Okay, thanks. I’m sorry, I panicked but I’m good now. Sorry. Let’s go. We can go now.”
I started walking and Theo had no choice but to follow. I could feel him watching me like a hawk. The solidity of him calmed me more. Not his anger, that was a shield between himself and the world, but what lay beneath. His devotion to those he loved. Unwavering and unbreakable. Permanent.
The blood drained from my head and my borrowed heart settled down. Still it ticked away the time with each beat. I had a finite number of pulses that could be counted and measured.
Six months.
I can do this, I thought as we climbed into Theo’s pick-up truck. If I made a schedule and kept to it. If I worked as much as I could, no stops, I’d make it. I’d leave something behind. I wouldn’t vanish into thin air, I’d use my air to infuse and shape the molten glass, capture my breath within it, and when it hardened, a part of me would remain locked inside forever.
Forever, I thought, feeling a little of the heavy weight lift, a lessening of the dark shadow trailing me, even in the bright sunshine of the desert. A little bit of hope to carry me through. A purpose.
It was time to get to work.
The gather of glass on my pipe dripped back into the furnace, jerking me from my thoughts. Like the glass, my life had been molten and malleable and full of potential. Now it was solidified; fired and hardened. No re-firing. No starting over with someone new because there was no time for someone new to become someone significant. I had my installation. Something that endured, that wouldn’t wither and die. Something that lasted. The memory was more than a year old, but nothing had changed. It was time to get to work.
“Let’s grab some lunch and keep going,” I told Theo.
His eyebrows rose. “Yeah? I thought you were going to—”
“I’ll text Kacey and tell her I have to work through. She can order a pizza or something,” I said, ignoring the ugly feeling in my gut, the guilt that hung heavy in my heart for ditching her.
Theo rubbed his jaw, looking like someone who’d fought to get his way and now felt bad about it. “If you’re sure…”
“I’m sure,” I said, pulling out my phone. “I have to stay on schedule.”
And that was the truth.
End of story.
I took a shower to wash last night off of me. All of it: the show, the booze, and how I’d thrown myself at Jonah. After, I wrapped myself in one towel, made a turban over my hair with another, and stepped out of the steam. I swiped the foggy mirror over the sink to see my reflection. My hand lingered on the warm glass. On the other side were Jonah’s medications.