I wondered then, if I could go back in time, if I would still have agreed to the plan. At the time, it had seemed quite harmless. I hadn’t thought that it was anything more than a business transaction, but then I hadn’t been thinking with anything other than my head. Things had changed now. There was a part of me that couldn’t stop thinking about how much I was hurting Mila and she didn’t even know. I was ashamed of myself. I was a predator, taking what I wanted without any regard to my prey. I was the top of the food chain. I was king. And I didn’t like who I was with all that power. I was a despot. A despicable person.
Yet, I was still able to forget. I was still able to be with Mila and pretend. Because when I was with Mila, I did forget. All I thought about was how easy and good it felt to be with her. She was so genuine, so sweet, so loving. I froze as I thought about that. She was loving. Too loving. I knew she was falling deeper and deeper for me. She possibly still had a crush on me. Still felt she was in love with me. I liked that, but I didn’t. I didn’t want her to fall in love with me. I didn’t want her to think that I was something that I wasn’t. Falling in love with me would only break her heart a second time. I couldn’t do that to her. I wanted to be selfish. I wanted to feel her love. Oh, how her love filled me up. When I was lying in bed late at night, sometimes I would just picture her smile and the look in her eyes as she leaned over to hug me and kiss me and it would make me warm. It would make me feel things that I’d never imagined feeling before. Sometimes those feelings made me feel uncomfortable. If they happened in the day, I banished them. But late at night, when the lights were out and it was quiet, I could pretend it was all a dream world. A dream-world fantasy and I’d let myself enjoy it. I’d let myself just soak it all in. And in those moments, I felt alive, truly alive. It was only in the morning that I’d be angry at myself.
“TJ, are you paying attention to me?” Mila poked me in the arm.
“Sorry, what?” I gave her an awkward look, not having heard a word she’d said. “I was thinking about something.”
“Not about Barbie, I hope,” she said jealously and I tried not to grin.
“Maybe I’ll think about Barbie while you think of your ex-boyfriends.”
“You’re an asshole.” She glared at me.
“Am I?” I asked her and leaned over and kissed her on the lips. “Let’s not talk about Barbie anymore. She’s tiresome.”
“So does that mean she’s banished from our lives forever?” Mila asked eagerly, her eyes wide and a huge smile on her face.
“Yeah,” I said softly, not wanting to lie, but not knowing what to say.
“So Cody is no longer seeing her?”
“Cody is no longer seeing her.” I nodded. That was true. Cody had no interest in her other than from that night. Though we hadn’t really spoken about it. We hadn’t spoken about much since my fake engagement to Mila. Not that he knew it was fake. He was pissed at me for having kept our “relationship” a secret for so long. I didn’t know what to tell him. I couldn’t tell him the truth either. And that added to my hurt. We’d been best friends for so long and I felt that I was ruining everything with my actions.
“At least Cody grew some brains. It’s a pity it happened before he became a douchebag.”
“I think he did Sally a favor,” I said, sticking up for him. “At least she knows now that he likes to get around.”
“I don’t think that makes her feel better.” Mila rolled her eyes. “Men change when they’re in love.”
“So you think Cody would have stopped sleeping around if he was in love with Sally?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “That’s what love is all about.”
“Okay.” I tried to hide a grin.
“What? It’s true. When people are in true love, they don’t mess around.”
“Uhm, okay. True love, huh?” I nodded.
“Whatever.” She looked pissed. “I mean, it’s not like you’re going to mess around on me, right?” Her eyes searched mine.
“Well, we’re not in true love, so technically I can, right?” I responded without thinking and I saw her face drop. I immediately regretted my choice of words, but then realized that perhaps they were the best words I could have uttered. I mean, I had to disabuse Mila of the idea that this was ever going to be some picture-perfect love story. That wasn’t how our story was going to go down.
“Yeah, we’re not in love.” Mila shrugged, her voice void of emotion as she looked back up at me with a disinterested expression. “We can do whatever we want.”
“Well, no, we can’t.” I frowned. “As per the contract, we both will remain faithful for the duration of the engagement.” I pursed my lips. “We don’t want anyone on the board to have any inkling that this isn’t a love match, and if you’re flirting around with a bunch of other men, it’s going to be hard to convince them of that fact.”
“Yeah, ’cause I’m the person that’s going to be flirting around.” She stepped back. “Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom.”