TJ: Yeah, that’s what I’ll have you screaming.
I shook my head and tried not to smile. I wasn’t feeling angry anymore. Anxious still, yes—but angry, no. I wasn’t sure what it was about TJ, but he had a way of affecting my emotions without even being there. Just interacting with him made me happy. I suppose that was one of the side effects of love.
Oh how I loved and hated being in love with him. It made me feel like I was soaring through the world. Just picturing his face made me happy. And it scared me. It scared me that he had so much power over my emotions. I’d never really thought about it until recently. Until we’d become a fake couple. But now that I knew, it made me fearful. He was almost like a puppet master with my emotions.
I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure when the bottom was going to drop out and I was going to go flying through the vastness of an empty sky. I knew what it would feel like, though. It would feel like I was floating through the universe, by myself, empty, void of emotion and all air.
I knew the feeling because I felt it now sometimes. Late at night. When he was sleeping and gone from the conscious world. Then I would just stare at his face. I’d marvel at how handsome he was. I’d think about how I just wanted to touch his face softly, and how I wanted to run my hands through his hair. It wasn’t even in a sexual way. It was just that touching him, being with him, provided me with something so innate, so filling that it was all I craved.
But I didn’t touch him, because I didn’t have that right. Yes, we were sleeping together. Yes, he and I were closer than we’d ever been before, but it was all superficial and sexual. It wasn’t deep. It wasn’t a loving, adoring relationship. It wasn’t what I craved and wanted with all my heart. I wasn’t able to just touch him when I wanted. I knew that. I knew that we weren’t there and that’s what kept me up at night. That’s what made me sometimes stop suddenly, my heart growing cold, my stomach feeling fearful, and my head feeling heavy. TJ wasn’t mine. He might never be mine and I didn’t know if I could live with that.
“So, what did you say?” Sally interrupted my slightly depressing thoughts and I turned to her with a smile.
“I told him there is no way in hell he’s getting any photos of me in any dresses. I’m not Julia Roberts and this isn’t Pretty Woman.”
“Mila.” Sally laughed and linked arms with me. “You’re too much, you know that?”
“Yes.” I giggled. “This store looks nice. Hopefully they have something that will fit me and make me look fabulous.”
“I guarantee you will look fabulous.” Sally grinned as we walked into the very expensive-looking boutique.
“And sexy.” I laughed.
“You always look sexy.” Sally winked at me and then purred like a cat. I burst out laughing and then tried to quiet my laughter as I noticed two of the sales ladies staring at us like we were something the cat had dragged in from the alleyway. Something not entirely welcome.
“Can we help you?” A slightly older lady with perfectly coiffed blond hair approached us with a thin smile.
“We’re just looking at dresses.” Sally smiled back confidently and flicked her hair back. “My friend is going to an important party tonight so she wants to make sure that she has a dress worthy of the occasion.”
“Oh, well, we can definitely help.” The lady’s eyes fell to me and I could see that she was sizing me up. “Our dresses are very expensive, ma’am.” She looked at me in the eyes and I knew she was thinking that my Target and Ross bargain clothes had not impressed her. “There’s a T.J. Maxx up the street.” She continued as she stared at me. “It might be a bit more affordable.”
“I think we’ll still have a look,” Sally said, her voice loud as she looked at the lady dismissively. “Thanks for your help.”
“We should leave,” I whispered at Sally. “She’s a bitch.”
“Forget her.” Sally shook her head. “All the sales ladies in these places are bitches. Our goal is to get you a hot dress. We have to ignore them.”
“I guess.” I sighed and made a face. “I just really don’t feel good about giving her money.”
“If we buy a dress here, we’ll ask for the owner’s name and then send a scathing letter, okay?” Sally grinned at me. “That way, while she might get some commission, she’ll still get in some trouble.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “Deal.” I looked around the store and my eyes grew wide at the ample assortment of evening dresses. “I don’t know how we’re going to choose a dress.” I made a face. “I don’t even think half of these will fit me. They all look like size zero.”