“So you’ve made up your mind,” he said. “When Ahmad is out of play, you’ll return to DC and the CIA?”
I sighed. “If only it were that simple, but I don’t think it would be. Being here has changed me…not in a bad way for me, personally, but probably not in a good way for my future with the agency. I’ve been thinking about that day ever since I arrived here and my thinking from that first day when you caught me throwing my shoes into the bayou is not at all the same as my thinking now.”
Carter nodded. “You can never go home again.”
“That’s exactly it. I’m starting to see my previous life as very narrow, and I think going back and attempting to slip into my old life would be impossible. In order to do my job well, nothing can be even remotely as important as the job. Now that I’ve met people I care for, and experienced actually having a life outside of my work, I don’t think I want to let that go. Not completely.”
“But you don’t want to let the work go completely, either.”
“I don’t think I can. I think what I have to do is create a new life that gives me both options. Neither at one hundred percent, but neither at zero.”
He was quiet for several seconds, studying me, and I could tell he wanted to ask something but wasn’t sure about it. Finally, he asked, “So you’ve never had anyone you cared about enough to make you question things before now?”
“No.” And that was the God’s honest truth.
“What about Harrison?”
“It never once crossed my mind. Don’t get me wrong—I like Harrison and I have huge respect for him. But I don’t think either of us has ever viewed the other outside of our abilities and our obligation to keep each other safe. I guess if I thought hard about it, I’d have to admit that I do care about him, but it’s not something I think about because it might interfere with my work.”
“And you think Harrison feels the same way?”
“I’d bet money on it. Harrison is a great partner and a damned fine agent. I wouldn’t trust my life to anyone else at the agency, but that’s where it begins and ends. Besides, Harrison has a girl that he’s been seeing casually. In fact, I just spoke with him about it. When all this is over, he’s leaving the agency. Apparently, my crisis has made him question things as well.”
“Well, I would tell you police work has fewer risks, but lately, it doesn’t seem that way. And then there’s the personal element if you set up shop where you know everyone.” He shook his head. “This murder has really hit me hard. Gail Bishop is one of the nicest women I’ve ever known, and she made a real difference with her work. It’s a huge loss for Sinful, New Orleans, and so many people who will never be helped because she’s no longer here.”
“And Nolan,” I said. “I can’t imagine how he must feel. The only silver lining is that he doesn’t have to worry about going into a facility. With the insurance money, he’ll be able to afford in-home assistance as he needs it.”
“What insurance?” Carter asked. “I asked Nolan about insurance the other day…I knew he’d need a death certificate.”
I told him about the insurance agent’s visit and the policy Gail had taken out in secret. “Isn’t that great? I mean, considering.”
He nodded. “It takes away one worry, at least.”
“I think Ida Belle was going to handle the paperwork for him when the death certificate is ready.”
“I’ll let her know when it’s available.”
An awkward silence ensued and I wiggled a bit in my seat, feeling like a five-year-old in church—or my adult self in church. My only saving grace was that a quick glance at Carter let me know he was feeling as uncomfortable as I was. Or maybe it was something more. He was staring out my kitchen window and frowning.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
He came back into focus and looked at me. “Yeah. I mean, no, but it’s as good as it’s getting for now. I guess I better get going. I’ve got a mountain of paperwork to do.”
I’m sure that was true, but at the same time, I felt like it was more of an excuse to leave than a reason to leave. I rose from my chair and followed him to the front door, not sure what I thought about our conversation. Did I feel better? Had I gotten closure? I so hated that word. It was too pop psychology.
Carter stepped outside and turned back to face me. Before I could change my mind, I blurted out, “Are you still mad at the three of us for lying to you?”
He sighed. “It would be a lot easier if I were. But then I’d be a hypocrite. The three of you were doing what you were supposed to do—protecting secrets you’d been entrusted to protect. I appreciate that necessity because it’s part of my life as well. But I’d be lying if I said I liked it. For any of us.”