I told Ricardo I would do anything to make the photo session work. Anything. I don’t want to lose him. I can’t. He’s the only one who’s ever cared about me. He doesn’t think I can do it though. He was a lot less angry this time, so it was easy to talk with him. I had to be innocent looking but experienced at the same time if that made any sense. I said I wasn’t experienced and he knew what I meant by it too. So we fixed it. I mean we did it. By it, I mean it. I wanted to do it with him, too, but as soon as he got on top of me, and started moving, I felt so weird. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t feel good either. We didn’t have any music playing or anything like that. The soundtrack to my first time was Breaking Bad because that’s what he was watching on Netflix when it happened. I was too embarrassed to look him in the eyes. So either I closed my eyes tight, or I turned my head and watched the TV while Ricardo . . . well, you know. Guess what show I’ll never watch again? I was so freaked out and my heart was beating like crazy. After it was over I asked him if it was any good? He said I needed a lot of work. Just like with my photo shoots.
Ricardo says my friends may be right about me. We took another set of photos and they’re getting worse. I look fat in them. I don’t look anything like Jessica Barlow should. He says I’m plain and dull and boring and nobody is going to give these a second look. It’s not even good enough for my Facebook profile pic. He said he thinks he understands now why my father doesn’t give a crap about me. I’m so damn forgettable.
Something is working at least. The sex is getting better. We’ve been doing a lot of I&I, that be Intercourse & Inebriation. I can’t have sex if I’m not drunk or high. It relaxes me. Anyway, I won’t lie—I like it. A LOT. Ricardo tells me he loves me. He tells me he loves me everyday. All the time. He says I’m his girl. I’ll do anything to make him happy. I mean anything. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He gets me like nobody else. When I’m with him I feel like I belong. I want to make him happy. Yesterday he said he’s getting a little bored with me. He wants to try new things. I asked him what and he showed me a lot of stuff online, things I never saw before and I’m trying it out with him (I’m also trying to scrub it from my mind). He makes me watch videos (ok, it’s PRON—ya know, the code word for P.O.R.N., and some of it’s nasty too). He likes to watch and I try to do it like they do it in the videos. I’m trying to be what he wants me to be. I’m kind of grossed out by a lot of it to be honest, but I’m getting used to it now. He says we should buy stock in Trojan. HA-HA! Now that’s funny.
I wouldn’t do this if Ricardo didn’t love me, didn’t want me. And I love him. It’s not some puppy dog thing either. We get each other . . . really get each other. He tells me he’d do anything for me and that’s what makes it ok for me to do anything for him. I’m not going to get into all the details. Cause it can be nasty. This isn’t some smut diary. Get your mind out the gutter PEOPLE! This is my journal and I don’t want to write about it because, I dunno, maybe someone will find this someday and I’d be super embarrassed about what I’ve done, but trust me I’ve now seen it all and done it all and well, at least I’m good at something.
Ricardo says that I’m amazing in bed. Amazing. He’s used those exact words. That’s something, right? I’m not grossed out that he has so much more experience than me. I mean he is like seven years older or something. But I’m flattered he thinks I’m getting good. And I really need the confidence boost because none of the pictures are working. We’ve tried everything. Makeup. Hair. We used all the money from my jewelry to buy me new clothes and new makeup. None of that worked. I asked if I could have a new phone and Ricardo said no. I can’t talk to anybody again. To make this work I have to forget about Nadine and become Jessica. But it’s NOT working. We even took some pictures outside and those came out the worst. I look like I belong back in Potomac. I have no edge! A real actress can belong anywhere and can look like anything. I look like a scared little girl from the suburbs hanging in . . . in . . . in wherever I am. I don’t talk to people, so I don’t ask them. Ricardo doesn’t want me to.
One time I started a conversation with a guy in line at the pizza place down the street from the apartment and when we got home Ricardo got really mad. Smashing walls with his fists kind of mad. Like the day he cut up my pictures mad. I asked him what was wrong and he said I had made him jealous. He said if I ever talked to another guy in front of him again, he’d hit that guy so hard he’d kill him.
And then he’d hit me.
CHAPTER 13