So Ricardo opened up to me tonight. I want to cry for him. I feel so bad!! How can people be that cruel? WTF is wrong with people? That’s what I’m saying. WTF people! And I thought my father was an asshole. Ricardo’s dad used to burn him with cigarettes, lock him in a trunk, and beat him with his belt. He said he once spent three weeks locked inside a closet. He got water and food sometimes but he had go to the bathroom in the closet. So gross. So wrong. Anytime he did something wrong his dad would put him in that closet. Then . . . get this . . . his father killed his mother. He stabbed her to death in front of Ricardo! Ricardo went to live with an uncle who abused him as well. He hit him and beat him and Ricardo made some references to sexual abuse, but he wouldn’t go there with me. I feel SOOOOOOO bad for him. He’s such a sweet guy. How did he turn out so great? He ran away from that sicko uncle of his and lived on the streets hustling. Why do young people sell drugs? Because they have to, that’s why. What other choice did he have? He used money to buy a cheap digital camera. He took pictures with it all the time, but didn’t have a computer so he just looked at them on the little display and when it got full he deleted the old ones to make room for new ones. Now he has a computer and he saves his best photos. He showed me some of his favorites and they are INCREDIBLE!! Totally amazing. He took this one of a homeless guy that would just break your heart. The guy lives in a cardboard box and moves his stuff around in an old shopping cart, but honestly he looks so happy to me. This whole experience has really opened my eyes to the world. I’ve learned more out here than I ever did in school. I think about that cardboard box picture a lot. I had a nice house and everything, but I felt so alone. The guy with the box has nothing, but he looked so happy in that photograph. Explain that one to me, will ya? Xoxo world! J. Barlow!
Totally freaked out. OMG freaked out. The craziest thing happened just now. My heart is still pounding. Gotta catch my breath.
OK, I’m better now. OMFG heart is still pounding. Here’s what happened. I passed out after getting high and drunk and when I woke up Ricardo was kneeling over me. Straddling me. I’ve never seen him look so angry. He scared the sh-t out of me. His face was this horrible scowl. He dropped tons of shredded paper on me like it was confetti or something. I didn’t know what it was at first, but a few bigger pieces fell and I could see it was my face. These were the pictures from the photo shoot. Ricardo had cut up all the pictures into little pieces and he made them rain down on me. What’s going on, I asked him? He said that he showed the photos to Stephen Macan. He’d been busy and hadn’t had time to look them over. When he saw them he freaked out, or so Ricardo said. She looks like a scared little girl. That’s what Stephen Macan told him. She’s supposed to be sexy. She’s supposed to be the next JLaw! J. Bar, right? I’m Jessica Barlow now. “These pictures are crap.” Those words are directly from Stephen Macan. Ricardo tells me he’s going to lose his job if I don’t take better pictures. They invested a lot in me, he says. This apartment isn’t free. The food. Photo expenses. All the booking calls Stephen has been making, setting up appointments, all that stuff. Everything depends on these pictures coming out right. But how can I make it come out right? I didn’t think I was any good at this to begin with. They did, not me. But Stephen still thinks I have it in me and he told Ricardo to get it out of me or he’ll find somebody else who can.
Everything is such a mess now. What am I supposed to do? You should have seen him. He was screaming and yelling, hitting the walls. Like totally panicked. I have to do better. If he loses his job it’s going to be my fault. Where is he going to get another photography job? He kept saying to me, do you think photography jobs are easy to come by? Well do you?? I told him we could go away together. He said if he gets fired because of me he won’t go anywhere with me. He won’t want to see me again. This job allows him to do his art photography. Ricardo is a real artist! He’s not just a hack. I can’t let that happen! Then he called me a weak little girl. He said he’s wasting his time with me. He says he’s going to get fired for sure. He’s right. I am a weak little girl. But I’m going to do better. I’ll do whatever it takes. I need to go talk to Ricardo. Back soon.
So sad right now.