I’m left alone with them. My body is trembling. I’m afraid and I’m cold.
There are a number of things I realized later that I could have and should have done. Lashed out, screamed, ran, but I am frozen to the spot. They picked the one thing that humiliated me most: my body. I never wanted anyone to see it, no one, and yet here I am standing near naked while three people who I thought wanted to be my friends are shining a flashlight on all the parts of me I can’t even bear to look at myself. Through the sackcloth, I see the camera flashes as they take photographs of my scars and who knows what else. They talk among themselves, at how gross and disgusting my skin is. I know that by the time they leave here, these photographs will have worked their way around to every student in the school. Who knows, they could possibly be Pia’s front page tomorrow.
I feel someone walk around me, light on the toes. Must be Natasha.
There’s a gasp. “Oh. My. God,” Natasha says suddenly behind me. “Look at her spine. Get over here.”
They jostle around the back of me to take a look.
“Man,” Gavin says. “Crap. That one must have hurt. It’s not as neat as the others. But wait, how many is that?”
They go through them all, counting my sears, counting my flaws.
“Six?” Logan says, surprised. “The reports only said five.”
“Five was the most ever,” Gavin said.
“Three was the most ever,” Natasha corrects him. “She’s got six,” she whispers. “I don’t think we’re supposed to know she’s got six.” Suddenly she sounds nervous.
Their energy has changed. I sense that they’re not enjoying it as much as they thought they would. I’ve made them uncomfortable. The reality is not what they imagined it would be. My scars are scars caused by pain. Pain in theory and pain in the flesh are two different things. I think it has had a sobering effect on them. This, oddly, gives me strength. I have gone through what they seem to fear. They have brought me here because they are attracted to their fears. They want to analyze it. Understand it. Rise above it. Laugh at it. But I have lived it. It is my tragedy that they fear. And that gives me strength.
“What time is it?” I ask. There is still hope.
“You’ll be home in time. Get over it,” Natasha says, trying to sound tough, but I can hear her fear. “Right, my buzz is gone. I’m bored. Food, anyone?”
“Yeah,” Gavin says, a little too quickly, and I almost smile beneath my sackcloth.
“You coming, Logan?” Natasha asks.
“I’ll be right behind you.”
I can sense the others’ uncertainty and reluctance to leave.
“Go on if you’re going,” Logan says, eager to have me to himself.
“Just don’t…”
“Don’t what?”
Gavin pauses. “You won’t, you know…”
“Gavin, don’t offend me. She’s Flawed scum. I wouldn’t touch her with a barge pole.”
“Don’t flatter yourself,” Gavin says, and he and Natasha laugh. “Okay, just don’t leave this place in a mess. My granddad will kill me.”
There’s a long silence, and I hear Gavin’s and Natasha’s footsteps disappear. I’m all alone with Logan. Not a safe place to be.
“Please don’t touch me.” I tremble.
“I wouldn’t lay a finger on you,” he says close to my ear. “You’re disgusting to me. Disgusting to any man. No one will ever want you.”
He starts to circle me slowly. I’m relieved by what he’s said but at the same time wonder what he wants to do with me.
“Do you know what the significance of sackcloth and ashes is?” he asks.
“No.” I sniff.
“The others haven’t a clue. Tonight has been a stupid joyride to them; they’ve no idea the significance of what I’ve done.” He takes on an unusual voice. Like he’s lecturing or preaching. “Sackcloth and ashes were used in the Old Testament times as a symbol of debasement, mourning, and repentance. Someone wanting to show their repentant heart would wear sackcloth, sit in ashes, and put ashes on their head. Ashes signify desolation and ruin.”
I lower my head, the humiliation complete, but he continues talking and circling.
“When Jonah declared to the people of Nineveh that God was going to destroy them for their wickedness, everyone from the king on down responded with repentance, fasting, and ashes. They even put sackcloths on their animals. God saw genuine change, a humble change of heart, and it caused him to relent and not bring about his plan to destroy them. Sackcloth and ashes were used as a symbol of a change in heart, demonstrating that sincerity of repentance.”
He stops talking, stops circling, and there’s silence apart from my heavy breathing under the hot and stuffy sackcloth and my terrified heart banging.