The Flawed are emotional, as though it’s a win for them. They embrace one another, careful not to gather together in more than twos. The old man’s children fall into a huddle, weeping and rejoicing at their father’s cleared name. I don’t expect them to show any gratitude for something that should have been said from the beginning.
I see Carrick in the back row. His hat is off and his chin is high. He’s standing still and solid in all the mania around us, nodding at me in support, his eyes on mine, not moving. I focus on him. For once not judging me, for the first time not laughing at me. I didn’t realize it was his respect that I wanted so much, but I know now that it was, that without our ever speaking I knew his thoughts on me and I agreed with him. I know this because, despite the terror that’s inside me over what is about to come, I am satisfied.
I focus on Carrick, even as Tina and Bark come to take me away. I watch him, still, strong, and silent, like the rock he was named for.
TWENTY-FIVE
TINA AND BARK take me out of court and lead me back into the waiting room where I had lunch not long before. My head is still spinning from what has just happened. It’s all a blur already, and I need someone to help bring it all back to me, to remind me of what has happened. What did I say?
I notice Tina’s grip on my arm is tighter than usual, and so is her face.
“Tina?” I hear the terror in my voice. Gone is my earlier certainty and bravado, if that’s what it is called. I’ve learned that to be courageous is to feel fear within, every step of the way. Courage does not take over, it fights and struggles through every word you say and every step you take. It’s a battle or a dance as to whether to let it pervade. It takes courage to overcome, but it takes extreme fear to be courageous.
Tina ignores me, purposely turning her face away from me, but I can see the scowl. “Do you have any idea how stupid you’ve made me look? I believed you. I told everyone who listened that you were a good girl.”
“Tina, I’m … I’m sorry. I don’t know what…”
“It’s done now,” she snaps.
She leads me into the room, and I look around, suddenly very afraid, uncertain of what will happen with every new second. Bark closes the door behind them. I hear the lock and I’m alone.
I hear footsteps coming in my direction, down the hall. Loud, urgent steps. There is only one pair. I stand in the middle of the room and brace myself.
“Open it!” I hear Bosco shout, and I jump, startled.
The door flies open and I see the flash of a red cloak. It is Bosco, but it is not Bosco as I’ve ever seen him before. His face is like thunder, and red to match his robe.
“What the hell do you think you’re playing at?” he yells, louder than I’ve ever been spoken to before, and I’m stunned.
Tina gives him, then me, a nervous look and swiftly, quietly closes the door, leaving me inside alone with him.
“Bosco, I’m—”
“Judge Crevan!” he yells. “You will address me as such at all times, do you understand?”
I nod manically.
He seems to notice the effect he is having on me, and he calms a little. He lowers his voice.
“Celestine. You gave me your word. We discussed what we would do. I put my word, my career, on the line for you, and you betrayed me.”
“I didn’t, I mean, I didn’t think—” I stammer, but he cuts me off.
“No, you didn’t bloody think at all, did you,” he says, pacing, lost in thought, and I’m glad to be removed as his target of anger. “They’re having a field day out there with this. My own press, and the public. Seventeen-year-old young woman, educated, the envy of other girls, they’ve built you up as, that I’ve built you up as”—he rolls his eyes—“speaks out in court, admits to and is proud to be Flawed. Do you have any idea what this can do? How dangerous it is? It could breed an entire generation of imperfection, of greed and errors.” He stops pacing and comes close to my face, and I wonder how I ever found him handsome, because all the handsome is gone now. “Did you not understand, Celestine, that this is not about you? It is about our country’s future, ensuring reliable, perfect, ethically sound, morally competent leaders who can make pure decisions and lead us to prosperous times. Did you not understand that?”
He is in my face, demanding answers and explanations, and I can barely think.
“I will not have them make a poster girl of you. I wanted you to be on our side.”
“I am on your side, Bos—Judge Crevan,” I quickly correct myself. “And I don’t think you have anything to worry about with my effect on people. I am not a motivator. I couldn’t lead anyone even if I tried. I just want to be normal. I want to fit in. I want to be with my friends, I want to go home. I don’t want anybody to build me up as anything that I’m not,” I say, tears in my eyes. “You know I love Art so much. I love being a part of your family. I would never do anything to deliberately hurt you both. I am sorry that I have embarrassed you, and I am sorry that I have put you in this position, but I just couldn’t do it to the old man. I just couldn’t let him be punished for something I did.”
“Who?” he says, confused.